AN Abergavenny man has warned people not to chase rainbows or eternal life after he was persuaded by a psychic called Steve to do some “pretty outlandish things” in a foolhardy quest to live forever.

“In hindsight, I can see we were blindsided by ambition and immortality to really question what we were doing at the time,” recalls semi-professional long-distance runner Johnny Turnip. “But when you’re lost in a forest, and your mind is fried from sleep deprivation and acid, it’s easy to think hunting pigs while naked is normal.

"Looking back I can see we had been hoodwinked a little by Psychic Steve. I feel his intentions were good, but I think he’d been mixed up in necromancy for so long and spent so much time in the company of cult leaders like Earl Elderflower, that he didn’t know the difference between reality and fantasy anymore.

"And as it turns out, his brand of crazy was quite contagious!”

What began as an innocent illegal wild boar hunt in the Forest of Dean became a little more complicated for Turnip and his mates when they were spiked with acid by Psychic Steve and his supposedly 500-year-old sidekick Indiana Jenkins.

Once the LSD had made their minds receptive to being moulded by those with dark intent, Psychic Steve told them a story of the Homotrotter who was like a werewolf but a pig version that had haunted the Forest of Dean for over a thousand years.

He claimed the blood of immortality ran through the supernatural boar’s veins like the river of the damned and all Turnip and his mates had to do was kill the Homotrotter, drink its blood and they too would live forever.

“It all sounded so plausible the way he told it,” explained Turnip. “And when he said we had to hunt the crazed eternal pig creature naked by the light of the moon, or it would smell civilisation on us before we could get close, it sounded like simple common sense.”

A man pig!
(Behold the Homotrotter!Public Domain)

Turnip recalled, “Once we had all discarded our clothes, it was a bit embarrassing because we didn’t know where to look but as soon as Puerto Rico Paul picked up his shotgun and screamed, ‘He who dares!’ We felt like men again and it was time for the killing to commence.”

Turnip explained that with Psychic Steve and Indiana Jenkins leading the way, the rest of them brought up the rear.

“It was nighttime by this point so we had forgotten we were all naked,” explained Turnip. “We were just men in the wilderness, bonding over our shared love of hunting unsuspecting animals.

"The only difference is, this time we were also in pursuit of immortality.”

Turnip added, “At one point we thought we had closed in on the Homotrotter and we formed a circle around a suspicious-looking bush where we had detected movement.

"Puerto Rico Paul aimed and let the beast have both barrels. As the smoke cleared and we investigated further, turns out Paul had simply blown the head off of a poor rabbit. ‘You idiot’ snarled Big Tony. ‘You’ve just alerted the whole forest we’re here.’ Before Paul could even stick his two fingers up in reply, I heard Psychic Steve scream, ‘He’s coming! Run you fools!’

“As we turned, we saw the biggest boar imaginable bearing down on us. I kid you not, it had red demonic eyes and the sort of fangs that could cut through steel. There was no way we were taking this swine out of the game. Eternal life would have to wait for another day. We were trespassing in lord pig’s kingdom and it wanted us gone!”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Thankfully, Psychic Steve was standing in the king pig's path and suffered the full brunt of its savagery. It tossed him up in the air like a rag doll and when he fell to earth, you could tell by his screams, it got really nasty towards the end.

“If we thought we could have saved him we would, but Paul was out of ammo and I don’t think even Big Tony could have knocked out a wild pig with its blood up.

“As we ran and the pig’s hellish grunts, mixed with Steve’s dying howls filled our ears, we felt terrible, but mainly because we realised we were still naked.”

Turnip explained that after five minutes of running, they became aware of an almighty grunting noise, made by not one but an army of pigs who had emerged from the shadows and given chase.

“If you’ve ever been chased by a wild pig you’ll know how terrifying and at the same time embarrassing it is. You can imagine what it felt like to have about five hundred hungry porkers on your tail with the scent of human flesh in their nostrils. These piggies were squealing with excitement and it looked like Turnip was on the menu!”

A tree
(Weird scenes inside the woodlands! Tindle News)

Turnip added, “Just when all seemed lost, Big Tony forced us to a standstill and bellowed, “This ends here! I’m through with running. If we die, we die. But I swear I’ve yet to eat my last bacon sandwich!”

Turnip said, “As battle speeches go it lacked a certain something. It didn’t inspire Indy that’s for sure. He just said, ’Sod this for a game of soldiers. I’m out of here!’ And disappeared into the trees.

“Yet by acting the coward, he had drawn the pigs off of our tail. They headed after him and we were left with a little breathing space to make our play and get the hell out of this forest.”

Turnip recalls that naked and breathless the three friends just looked up at the night skies and the stars that sparkled there before erupting in laughter.

“What else could we do?” Said Turnip. “We were naked, with no weapons, booze, or direction home, but we were together. Three chancers on the make! The wilderness couldn’t defeat us, the acid couldn’t break us and the pigs wouldn’t eat us! We’ve been getting away with it all our lives!

“And when my old mate Tom Cruise turned up in his chopper I knew for sure everything would be alright!”

To be continued…..