AN Abergavenny man has urged people not to go on any wild boar hunts in the Forest of Dean after he and his two friends were nearly eaten by a “crazed pig creature!”
Semi-professional long-distance runner Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he and a “couple of mates” had decided to go on an illegal hunting expedition in the forest to “Get their heads straight” after a crazy couple of days had left them questioning reality.
Turnip explained, “Me, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul were at a bit of a loose end after our adventures in the Abergavenny tunnels. In hindsight, we were probably overdue for some serious therapy, but we’ve always had a head-down and brass-it-out mentality.
"So Puerto Rico Paul went back to hawking his Simon Le Bon tribute act around the pubs and clubs of Monmouthshire, Big Tony went back to digging ditches and I returned to the job centre to pretend I’d been actively seeking work instead of saving the world.”
Except for a few blinding hangovers, and in Puerto Rico Paul’s case, the sudden onset of a personality disorder, the lads began to quietly settle back into domesticity.
Yet according to Turnip, early last week Big Tony announced to his friends that he needed to get out of town in a hurry and did they fancy a spot of wild boar hunting in the forest of Dean?”
Turnip explained, “It was a Monday evening and all of a sudden Big Tony screeched to a halt outside my flat in his Bedford Rascal.
"Me and Puerto Rico Paul were into day two of our “Game of Thrones” marathon, and so when the big man knocked on the door we pretended we weren’t in. Yet he was persistent, and I had no choice but to carefully place my half-eaten pork rib in my pint of lager to let it marinate, and open the door of my man cave.”
Turnip explained that one look at the deathly pallor of his old mate and he knew something was seriously wrong.
“Big Tony just looked at me and said ‘I need to get out of town and lay low for a while JT. I’ve messed up.’”
Turnip added, “It takes a lot to rattle Big Tone. He sort of strides through life like a colossus, indifferent and unconcerned to the carnage he leaves in his wake. So when he tells you he’s messed up, you know it’s wise to ask no questions. I just bellowed at Puerto Rico Paul to pause the swords and sex action and invited Tone in.”
Turnip revealed that after Big Tony had downed a four-pack and eaten the best part of a whole crispy duck, he asked his friends to accompany him to the Forest for a few days on a wild boar hunt.
Turnip said, “At first Puerto Rico Paul moaned that he had tickets for the circus on the weekend and he wasn’t about to give up the thrills and spills of the big top to go kill some pig. However, I gave him a stern look and said, ‘Our friend needs this Paul. We need this! This is not the time for clowns and trapeze artists. This is the time for men to be men. Let’s go bond in the woods and kill some animals!’”
Turnip added, “We were all soon shouting, ‘Hell Yeah!’ Giving each other high fives and bear hugs, but in all the excitement we forget that Big Tony wanted to leave ASAP and none of us had any camping equipment, guns, or beer.
“Tone said, ‘Don’t worry about that fellas. My van is loaded up with the necessary but trust me, we need to move and fast. Welsh Water is already on its way to the site. Puerto Rico Paul then mused ‘’Hang on a minute, I thought you were in the middle of a groundworks job at Brecon Road’. How come you’ve finished so early?’ 'Ask no questions and receive no fists in your face,’ muttered Big Tone as he ushered us out of the flat and into the Rascal.”
Turnip recalled that speeding down the road to make it to the Forest before nightfall, Puerto Rico Paul began rummaging through Big Tone’s CD collection.
“It was mostly AC/DC but there was an awkward moment when he came across the greatest hits of ABBA and waved it accusingly in Tone’s face. Tone turned a thunderous shade of crimson but he just kept his hands gripped tight on the wheel, and with his eyes on the road he softly said with an unmistakable edge, ‘It belongs to my ex-missus.’
Paul wasn’t having that and he began to sing in a camp voice, ‘Chiquitita tell me what’s wrong? You’re enchained by your own sorrow. In your eyes, there is no hope for tomorrow.’ Before he could get any further, Tone roared like a bear that’s been prodded with a sharp stick, put Paul in a stranglehold, and began to choke the life out of him. I quickly grabbed the wheel and screamed, ‘For Christ’s sake will you two muppets behave!’ We’re here to hunt pigs not throttle one another.’
“Eventually, Big Tony released his grip on Puerto Rico Paul, who had gone a strange shade of blue, and took the wheel back from me. We drove along for a few miles in that uncomfortable silence that always follows a row.
“Knowing that a humble apology was not in either Big Tony’s or Puerto Paul’s toolkit I put AC/DC’s ‘Back in Black’ on and although they initially tried to fight the urge to rock out like a bad bitch, by the time Brian Johnson was screeching, “Cut loose from the noose” they had their arms draped across one another's shoulders and were head-banging furiously.
"Wounds had been healed without any words needed to be said. It was our way and a good omen. Or so I thought, until we saw the white deer that made us veer off the road and crash spectacularly into the woods.”
To be continued.....