AFTER accidentally stumbling across Abergavenny’s secret tunnel network while trying to “enslave a fairy," semi-professional long-distance Johnny Turnip has made the outrageous claim that his old friend, “Manny from the estate” has lived in the Aber “underworld” for the past decade, protecting the town from other realms.
“It’s not a well-known fact, but Abergavenny is the centre of the known universe,” explained Turnip. “And our old friend Manny has been keeping a lonely vigil beneath the town for years, ensuring the world is safe from hideous entities from other dimensions.”
Turnip added, “It sounds like bottled insanity, I know, but after myself, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul bumped into some dude wearing Nike Airs in the tunnels, the last person we expected to find behind the knight’s helmet was Manny from the estate!
“He called himself Gary the Grey at first but Puerto Rico Paul recognised his distinctive twang. Manny disappeared from the town ten years ago. Lazy Sue said she heard he’d moved to Brecon and when that happens it usually means something has gone profoundly wrong in a man’s life, so we didn’t pry. His best mate Fast Eddie was inconsolable though. They’d pretty much grown up in the same garden shed together and the thought of Manny reaching such a low point in life that moving to Powys was the only answer was nearly too much for Eddie to take!”
Turnip explained that once he realised the gig was up, Manny took off his helmet and gazing fondly upon his old friends with bloodshot eyes told his tragic tale.
“One day he consumed a spectacular amount of magic mushrooms on the Deri and fell helplessly into the fairy kingdom. We nodded thoughtfully at this because we’ve all been there. The only difference is, Manny decided to stay,” explained Turnip.
“The Tylwyth Teg made him an offer that if he worked for them as a sort of handy-man in the tunnels beneath Aber, he could live there rent-free and they’d provide him with all the lager, takeaways, internet, Netflix, and X-Box One games a man would ever need.
“Manny is only human and he jumped at such a generous offer. He told me, ‘JT! I’d pretty much run out of road in the world above. I was going nowhere fast. I wanted to live a little and see a bit of the world so I decided to take my chances in the tunnels. I’ve been here nearly ten years now, and it’s a good life. A man can get a bit lonely at times but I try to keep active on the socials and that keeps me honest! The job is easy as well. In theory, I’m supposed to stop unspeakable entities from using Abergavenny as a portal to enter the world and consume it in a never-ending orgy of violence and terror, but apart from having to sort out a drunken Leprechaun in 2018, things have been relatively quiet.
‘Most of the work entails keeping curious visitors from Aber out. There’s been a lot of interest in these tunnels in recent years and the last thing my fairy overlords want is a never-ending stream of tourists visiting their realm and posting pictures about it on Facebook. These tunnels are a two-way system, bad things from the land of faery can use them to enter Aber, but equally as repulsive life-forms from the world above can use them to enter the home of the Teg. So I’m afraid you’re going to have to leave. I know you wanted to take a fairy back with you, but it ain’t happening on my watch and for old-time’s sake I hope we can keep this peaceful.’”
Turnip explained that after a quick discussion with Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, the three adventurers decided the time had come to call it quits. They’d have to return home empty-handed, but as Turnip pointed out, “It’s not the destination but the journey that counts and our adventures in the underworld had taught us a valuable lesson - none of us function very well after 24 hours without lager! We needed to get to the surface again and soon. We were all dehydrated and bored. Big Tony in particular was getting very tetchy! The time had come to leave this stinking sewer system to the fair folk.”
After asking Manny the best place to exit, he led them to a set of steel steps that led to a manhole in Cross Street.
Turnip explained, “It seemed a bit tight on Manny to leave him alone in the underworld and Big Tony pleaded, ‘It’s no life for a Mardy man, stumbling around in the dark like a mole! Come and have a pint with us Manny. Besides which I always need a good labourer and you’re the best shovel man I know.’
“There were tears in Manny’s eyes after such unexpected praise from Big Tone, but his mind was made up. He simply looked at us like an Acid House Rasputin and said, ‘I’ve made a new life here fellas. Besides which, the fairies need me. I’ve made my vows. I’m the watcher in the tunnels and my vigil goes on until I no longer have eyes to see or hands to fight.’
Turnip added, “There was a bit of an embarrassed silence after that last bit of unnecessary waffle, but then I made a point of holding Manny's gaze and silently mouthed the phrase of semi-professional runners and borderline alcoholics everywhere -‘Go hard or go home!’ It was an emotional moment I have to admit, but it soon passed as I roared, ‘C’mon boys! Last one up buys the drinks all night!’
“We left Manny softly sobbing as we stormed up the steps giggling and trying to elbow one another out of the way like out-of-control toddlers. Yet when we finally burst through the manhole and breathed deep of the night air and liberation little did we know what would be waiting for us!
To be continued...