A MAN who claimed to have rediscovered Abergavenny's secret tunnel network is now urging people to stay away after he and his friends made a discovery “that will mess with your head!”

Johnny Turnip, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul explained that they set out to “trap and tame a fairy” but got a lot more than they bargained for when they accidentally found the entrance to Abergavenny’s underworld in the grounds of the castle.

Turnip told the Chronicle, “At first the riddle on the door leading to the tunnels had us all stumped. It read, ‘What is the name of the ancient tribe of Abergavenny and what mythical animal did they once worship in the deepest Wilde?’”

Turnip added, “We must have smoked about 10 fags each trying to work that one out. Although I can name all of King Henry VIII’s wives and how they died, and Puerto Rico Paul is something of a specialist on the life and works of German existential philosophers, none of us are exactly history buffs. Suddenly, Big Tony surprised us all by shrieking, ‘I’ve got it! They didn’t spell ‘Wilde’ wrong. They’re talking about the Marty Wilde song, ‘Abergavenny!’

“To be honest I had no idea ‘Wilde’ was spelled wrong, but then I’m not a reader like Tone. When he’s not busy digging ditches or drinking his body weight in lager, you’ll usually find him with his head buried in Martina Cole.”

Turnip added, “Thank God for Tone’s eureka moment! We knew the lyrics to a song we had grown up drinking fortified wine to by heart. As one we chanted, ‘The ancient tribe is paradise people and the mythical animal is a red dog!’ As soon as we spoke the door slid open and from somewhere inside the song began to blast out from some hidden sound system. The bass was something else. It had a real kick! With Tony taking the lead and merrily snouting, ‘He who dares!’ We began to descend more steps into a dark and dank tunnel.”

Turnip explained, “We all began to do a little dance as we walked. Big Tony sort of raised his hand above his head, wiggled his fingers, and did this sort of mincing movement with his feet. For a big man, Tone’s always been light on his feet. It’s what makes him such a good fighter and dancer.

“Puerto Rico Paul did his trademark Axl Rose serpentine shuffle, and I just brought up the rear strutting like John Travolta’s character in ’Saturday Night Fever’ as he makes his way to the dance floor to teach some punk a lesson!.”

Turnip added, “That tune is a proper upper. Bryn Yemm’s version is class but Marty’s is the real deal. I once wrote to Liam Gallagher and asked him why he’d never done a cover version of it, but he never replied. Probably feels he hasn’t got the vocal ability to do it justice and was too embarrassed to say it.

“Nanny Turnip, also known as Annie Horror Show wants it played at her funeral. Although she’s got a reputation as a moody mare, behind the venom and spite she’s got a wicked sense of humour. She wants an old-fashioned funeral procession through the middle of town with horses, carriages, the works! She wants the march to start slow with a brass band playing the Darth Vader tune. Then, someone will get her Black Rock cock to crow by showing it a photo of Gary Barlow, and this will cue the band to start playing ‘Abergavenny.’ Should be a great day! Shame Horror Show won’t be there to see it!”

(Steps leading to another time and place! Tindle News)

Turnip told the Chronicle, that once the song was over, the three friends walked for what seemed like five minutes in complete silence, “apart from Big Tony’s laboured breathing” and then a strange apparition blocked their path.

Turnip recalled, “It was all fun and games until we saw what looked like a slightly oversight male wearing tracksuit bottoms and a pair of beaten-up Nike Airs. As a semi-professional long-distance runner, I hate to see trainers that have lost their integrity and box fresh appeal, it kind of reminds me of the horror at the end of all things, but that wasn’t the worst part. For some reason, this dude had decided to customise his look by wearing a knight’s helmet and some medieval body armour. He was also holding an axe, but seemed kind of embarrassed by it.”

Turnip added, “He then said in a sort of voice you don’t usually find outside of the panto, “Halt! I am Gary the Grey. Custodian of the Gateway and Keeper of the Nine Secrets. These paths belong to another. Leave now if you value both sanity and soul.’”

Turnip said, “I always recognise a nutter when I see one and this guy was having a major meltdown. However, I needed to tread carefully. Big Tony has little patience for dramatic types and if this athletic knight dude kept talking like that he was probably going to get lamped. So as a man of tact, I decided to take an innovative approach and play the madman at his own game. I said, ‘Let us speak plainly. We’ve come to capture ourselves a fairy. Now as soon as we have one of the little people in the bag we’ll be on our way.’

“He got all uppity at this, raised his axe, and shouted, ‘I am sworn defender of the Tylwyth Teg, and you sirs are scoundrels whose foul taint I will cleanse the earth and other realms of.’ It was strong stuff but our teachers used to say worse. Either way, it seemed the time for talk was done. Big Tony adopted his fighting stance and it was about to kick off when Puerto Rico Paul piped up with, 'Hang on a sec! I recognise that voice. It’s Manny from the estate!' Almost immediately, the athletic knight dude dropped his axe, took off his helmet, and all became clear.”

To be continued…