AN Abergavenny man who headed to the Keepers pond to catch a glimpse of the Northern lights last weekend, “swears down” that although he didn’t see the aurora borealis he did make contact with an alien life form.

Semi-professional long-distance runner Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he headed up the Blaenavon Road with his trust Nikon F camera to take a few snaps of the otherworldly phenomenon for a local Facebook community group page.

Yet upon arrival, he realised he had not only got the date wrong but the two friends he had arranged to meet there were “spitting feathers” because they thought Turnip had invited them to an all-night rave as opposed to a heavenly light show.

“Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul were frothing at the mouth in rage when they realised just how wrong they had got things,” recalled Turnip fondly. “Bloody idiots didn’t know what the Northern lights were. They thought it was a bunch of old-school DJs from Manchester putting on an event like it was 1989 all over again. To make matters worse they turned up dressed like a right couple of kippers. White gloves, whistles, bucket hats, dungarees, tie-dye t-shirts, you name it! Those couple of tarts were ticking every acid house cliche in the book. It’s not healthy for men in their early fifties to be acting like that. Still, it was good to see those two on speaking terms again. Things turned sour between them after an incident in Guardsman in the early 1990s over a Babycham and some questionable sartorial choices, but they’ve finally buried the hatchet thanks to their shared love of dance music and strobe lights.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after laughing at their collective idiocy and reminiscing about the good old days over a flagon of White Lightning, the three friends decided to walk from the Keepers to the top of the Blorenge and light a fire.

“You can’t beat a good fire on a cold night on top of the mountain,” explained Turnip. “Big Tony was moaning that we didn’t have any tires to burn because he likes the smell and they last a long time, but he soon cheered up when I told them I had a few cans of deodorant in my rucksack we could blow up if we got bored.

“Anyhow, we got to the top, and the whole of Aber was laid out below us, all lit up like a toy town. It was well depressing, but we started on the whiskey and our mood soon picked up. Especially when Puerto Rico Paul started to blast out The Prodigy’s ‘No Good (Start The Dance)' on his portable ghetto blaster."

Turnip added, “We were soon guzzling the whiskey like those energy drinks the youngsters are addicted to, screaming like lunatics, and dancing around the fire like three well-dressed warlocks. We must have looked a right state! And it was only then that we noticed the extraterrestrial.”

Turnip revealed that they noticed a bald-headed stranger sitting cross-legged on the edge of the mountain and gazing intently up at the stars.

“It was Big Tony who noticed him first,” explained Turnip. “He stopped dancing and snarled, ‘Who’s the dickhead?’ Tone can be like that, but he’s got a good heart. He’ll never start a fight, but having said that, he’ll never walk away from one either.

“Personally, I knew straight away it was an alien. I could tell by its posture and its sense of otherness. I’ve always had a good radar for that sort of thing.”

Turnip added, “As one we approached the thing from the skies. Puerto Rico Paul was particularly cautious because he claims he was once abducted by aliens and subject to all sorts of experiments, but to me, that just sounds like wishful thinking.

“Anyhow, as we got closer, it was making this weird kind of ‘Om’ noise and it had its eyes fixed firmly on the firmament. It seemed completely indifferent to our presence and even when Big Tony shouted, ‘Where you from alien? Kent is it?’ The shiny-headed creature just kept making this unsettling ‘Om’ noise.

“We held hands, surrounded it in a circle and Big Tony asked, with a slight edge of hysteria in his voice, ‘From what distant galaxy have you travelled space thing?’ Yet still, it ignored us like we were little more than mentally challenged savages.”

Turnip explained they suddenly noticed that the intergalactic visitor was sitting in a circle of toadstools and Puerto Rico Paul screamed, “It’s no alien, it’s Tylwyth Teg. Run before they kidnap us merry band of brothers and force us into a life of servitude in the fairy realms!”

A fairy painting!
(We come in peace! Rhŷn Williams - Wikimedia Commons )

Turnip told the Chronicle, “We hot-heeled it off the mountain like we were being chased like Benny Hill himself. Big Tony tripped on his flares a few times but we made it back to the Keepers car park in one piece. We were all taught by Puerto Rico Paul’s mother, who was also known as the witch of Tudor Street, not to mess with the fairies, or the Tylwyth Teg as she called them. She always said if you ever come across the little folk, keep your distance.

“I always thought she had some weird phobia of dwarves, but now I’ve actually met a fairy I know better."

Turnip added, “It was a strange and unsettling experience and I never expected to bump into one on top of the Blorenge, but life’s strange like that. Go for the lights, stay for the fairies!”

Since his encounter with one of the little people, Turnip insists he has been brushing up on fairy lore and believes if he captures one of the Tylwyth Teg, it will grant him a wish.

Turnip said, “In hindsight, we were a bit rash to flee the scene. It’s not every day you came across a mythical creature who can grant wishes. If I can trap and tame a fairy the world will be my oyster.