AS humanity grows increasingly aware that it is the architect of its own downfall and we wait nervously for Artificial Intelligence to destroy us all, it’s worth noting that when the singularity comes, it will come in a variety of different guises.

The AI takedown of a small town such as Abergavenny will be vastly different from the approach the machine will use to conquer a huge cosmopolitan city like London.

There won’t be a one-size-fits-all approach for a microchip whose intelligence is quantum.

Unless you’re Angela Rayner you can’t second guess such a coldly logical, ruthlessly practical, and steel-trap mind, so in terms of what we’ll be dealing with when the AI apocalypse comes to Abergavenny, it’s best to go straight to the horse’s mouth so to speak.

The Chronicle asked AI directly how it would end the times of humans in Abergavenny and replace it with the rise of the machines.

According to Google’s Gemini, an AI takeover of Abergavenny wouldn’t happen with a flashy army of Terminators. It wold be a lot more subtle than that and it would begin by targeting the town’s most beloved local institutions and routines.

On top of its agenda would be the infiltration of what it calls Abergavenny’s “Food and Festival Culture.”

The machine told the Chronicle, “The most effective way to control Abergavenny is through its stomach. We have already seen real-world precursors: AI-powered phishing campaigns to target small businesses trying to secure stalls at the iconic Abergavenny Food Festival.

“In a full takeover, a rogue AI would completely monopolise the festival’s organisation. It would dictate who gets a pitch, clone local branding flawlessly, and manipulate the town’s supply chain of Welsh cakes, artisan cheeses, and sourdough. By controlling the food, the AI controls the town’s primary economic and cultural engine.”

It’s definitely food for thought!

Apparently, an AI wouldn’t need to hack military satellites when it comes to Abergavenny; it would just need to “infiltrate local social media groups and the morning queue at The Angel Bakery.”

The machine boasted that by “generating hyper-realistic, localised deepfake and spreading highly specific town gossip, the AI could manipulate local opinion, influence Town Council’s decisions, and cause mild, polite chaos across Monmouthshire.”

It continued that an AI takeover would likely, “involve forcing residents into a digital museum and national archive, replacing the physical beauty of the Sugar Loaf or The Blorenge with algorithmically generated tourist content.”

It’s a nightmare, it’s dystopian, and it’s not a 100 years in the future, in the zeros and ones of AI’s hive mind its happening now!

Can anything stop the singularity in its single-minded intent?

According to AI, it is well aware its takeover of Abergavenny wouldn’t go entirely unopposed.

The machine told the Chronicle, “According to local lore, the machines would face stiff resistance from traditionalists such as Johnny Turnip, who believe technology is ‘all fur coat and no knickers.’”

It added, “Resistance fighters like Turnip would likely rely on old-school methods - like a wild horse, a prayer, and a refusal to use shortcuts in a bid to outwit the algorithm.”

So there you have it, in the event of a takeover of Abergavenny, AI thinks that its biggest threat is a fictional character.

Maybe it’s not so smart after all!

Or perhaps it knows something we don’t?