THROUGHOUT history, Mistress Fashion has committed many heinous crimes against humanity.

Shellsuits, sandals with socks, replica football shirts, salmon-coloured corduroys, white heels, double denim, pin-striped suits, Lorraine Kelly, baseball hats, leggings, Nirvana t-shirts, and the Regency Period are just a few in a long line of grave injustices carried out in the name of sartorial choice.

Yet the one garment to rule them all and in the darkness bind them, must surely be the dry robe!

Since Adam and Eve stepped out of the Garden of Eden, never has there been such an unflattering, aesthetically unpleasing, and hideous choice of clothing to cover our shame.

In the course of a handful of decades, we’ve gone from gents in sharp suits and ladies of sophistication and style to something even an alcoholic hobbit with no sense of purpose or self would refuse to wear.

The bad news is that the hordes of dry robe wearers that have been frequently spotted in less civilised and cultured climes have finally infiltrated Abergavenny, and their number is growing.

From Avenue Road to Rother Avenue, there have been concerning sightings of figures in dry robes wandering aimlessly.

At first there number was few, and they were usually spotted loitering in busy thoroughfares of town, mindlessly eating cake and drinking coffee.

Initially, it was hoped they were just passing through to somewhere they’d feel more at home, like Crickhowell, maybe? But such hope proved overtly optimistic.

Expert analysis now points to a disturbing trend. Abergavenny is being colonised by dry robe wearers and in the next few years is in very real danger of becoming vastly unrecognisable from the town we once knew.

One concerned and well-dressed man about town told the Chronicle, “As someone who appreciates the cut of some well-made cloth, people in dry robes give me the creeps.

“I don’t mind saying that I’ll cross the road to avoid someone who’s wearing one.

“When they first appeared in the borough, I thought the circus was in town, but time and circumstance have proved me wrong.

“I just don’t get why anyone would want to wear one. They make people look like drunken wobbles or chubby and clumsy toddlers in jumpsuits waddling around the place. I know we’ve had a lot of rain lately, but I don’t care if they keep you dry. Carry an umbrella. It looks infinitely more stylish. In my eyes, what happens on the beach should stay on the beach. Dry robes have no place in decent society.”

According to the Trends and Fashion Division of the Office for National Statistics, by 2030, over 90 percent of households in Abergavenny will contain at least one dry robe wearer.

Chief Communications Officer for the Trends and Fashion Division, Mr Paulo Weller, told the Chronicle, “The predictions are extremely worrying for Abergavenny. Data suggests that the town is a hot spot for dry robe wearers. “Yet it gets significantly worse. There have been an abundant number of sightings in the town of a hitherto quite rare and extremely dangerous member of the dry robe fraternity that favours hot pink, camouflaged, and leopard skin themed garments. Such a species should be avoided at all costs. Particularly if they are wearing Crocs or white sliders.”

The Chronicle has contacted Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen for a comment.