AN Abergavenny man who hooked up with a Kentucky horse trader in the wilderness of the Mojave Desert has made the outlandish claim that after buying some thoroughbred mustangs, he was surprised to find a real-life centaur thrown into the deal as a “special extra.”

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he had arranged to meet up with a fella named Captain KFC in the desert to buy some horses that would take him and the boys to Deadwood.

He explained the deal was going down without a hitch until they stumbled across the supernatural creature lurking in the shadows of a cargo plane.

“Like most people growing up in the eighties, I had to use my imagination instead of a smartphone, and I’ll be the first to admit that as a troubled teenager I saw unicorns, dragons, centaurs, and talking lions everywhere.” Explained Turnip.

“You can put it down to an overactive imagination, recreational substance abuse, or my obsession with Narnia.

“I used to spend endless afternoons sitting in my parents’ wardrobe waiting for a portal into a snowy and distant realm to appear. I remember once Nanny Annie ‘Horror Show’ Turnip found me in there wailing with tears and screaming for Mr. Tumnus to rescue me from the mundanity and mediocrity of the modern world.

“‘What the hell are you up to now you weird little bastard?’ Said Horror Show affectionately.

“When I told her she seemed to understand, and that evening as we sat around her cauldron and gulped moonshine together, she looked at me, or through me, with her bloodshot and unfocused eyes and said, ‘You don’t need to go looking for magic young Turnip. One day it will find you, and then maybe, you’ll wish it hadn’t.’

“I remember trying to formulate the words to ask the old crone what nonsense she was talking about, but the moonshine was strong and had rendered me incapable of speech. “Soon after it stole my eyes, and I passed out. Me and Horror Show never talked about the wardrobe incident again, but it was her revelation that I was the direct descendant of Potato Creek Johnny that sent me on my current quest to America to find his fabled pot of fairy gold.

“So in hindsight, I suppose the crafty bitch always knew more than she let on. She plays the long game, does Horror Show. She’s feared in the bingo halls of South Wales for a reason. Still, even that unflappable old witch would have probably raised an eyebrow to see me hanging around with a real-life centaur. I only wished I had a phone so I could have taken a selfie to send her. But alas, we were tech-free as the AI clown Peter Paleface was in hot pursuit!”

Turnip explained that he first became aware of the centaur when Captain KFC led the horses out of the cargo plane

“I don’t know horses.” Said Turnip. “But even I could see that Captain KFC has brought us some fine specimens. As they trotted gratefully out into the blinding desert sun, they looked like works of art and their every movement looked choreographed. I couldn’t take my eyes off them to be honest. I was mesmerised and lost in an aesthetic appreciation of their form and symmetry.

“However, Puerto Rico Paul’s craven and plebeian voice soon ruined my silent wonder when he asked, ‘Whoa! Beauties! That’s certainly a fine stable you got there mate. Which one’s mine then?’

“‘These horses belong to no man,’ Growled a voice from the shadows. I say growled, but it also had a slight neigh to it, if you know what I mean.

“‘Who else is in there, Captain?’ Asked Tyke curiously.

“As a Hollywood A-lister, Tyke was always a bit paranoid about being snapped in compromising situations. Not that there was anything strange about doing a covert horse deal in the middle of a desert with some boys from Wales and a guy from Kentucky, but in my experience, people can’t wait to think the worst.

“‘I thought I’d throw in something a little extra for this deal, Tom.’ Said Captain KFC. ‘But it’s gonna cost you. It’s a long way from the Mojave Desert to Deadwood on horseback. And no offence, but these here boys look like they’d got lost on a racetrack. These mustangs are valuable to me in spirit and in profit. I don’t want a single one of them being run into the ground by some fools from Wales who’ve seen too many Clint Eastwood movies. Keith, here is my insurance policy that these Mustangs get back to where they belong unscathed and in tip-top condition.’”

Turnip explained that as they all looked into the darkness waiting at the edge of the cargo plane hatch and collectively wondered, ‘Who the fark is Keith?’ A figure appeared out of the shadows and turned everything they knew, or thought they knew, upon its head.

“I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff in my time!” Said Turnip. ‘And I thought I’d got to the point in life where nothing could phase me. But nothing, not even my four-year stint living in a cave in the land beyond civilisation and time that is Powys, or a Friday night in Merthyr, could prepare me for coming face to face with a creature that was half-man, and half-horse!”

Turnip added, “We were all pretty gobsmacked when Keith appeared on the scene. He trotted out of the plane in a glowering and menacing manner, but because he had horse legs, he couldn’t help but strut around the place with a sort of camp quality.

“That, and the fact that he had a heavily muscled torso, was wearing an eye patch over one eye, and looked the spit of Jason Statham made the situation all the more unsettling.”

Turnip said, “As Keith cantered around the place like some sort of frolicking filly, he eventually came to a stop in front of the other horses, lit a cigar, took a deep drag, regarded us contemptuously with his one good eye, and said, in a voice that also sounded exactly like Jason Statham, ‘Reel your necks in you mugs. Anyone would think you’ve never seen a centaur before!’”

To be continued….