WHEN someone said “Kentucky!” What’s the first thing that springs to mind? In nine out of ten cases, or buckets, it’ll be that special chicken with that secret recipe cooked up by that weird guy with a beard they call the Colonel.

Yet there’s a lot more to the “Bluegrass State” than Southern fried chicken.

There are also horses!

“I never knew Kentucky was the horse capital of the world. I just thought it was a place where they cooked chicken and played banjos, so it was a real eye-opener meeting Captain KFC. Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Without his horses and his help, there’s no way we’d have managed to fly under AI’s radar and make it to Deadwood undetected.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after he and the boys fled from the leprechauns’ lair and left their little friends to fight off the clown Peter Paleface and the AI menace, they ran without thought or direction into the Mojave Desert, but soon ran out of steam.

“Running around like headless chickens can be quite euphoric for a while, but it soon gets boring. Plus, we didn’t have any food, drink, or fags” explained Turnip.

“We needed a plan, otherwise we’d end up dying a slow and painful death in the desert, from either dehydration or heat exhaustion. I didn’t exactly relish the indignity of vultures picking out my eyeballs and stripping the flesh from my bones, but we didn’t have any phones, so no one was sure what to do. And then Tyke came up with the idea of using his special talent of talking to Golden Eagles to summon help.”

Turnip revealed that after Tyke conversed with a “wondrous feathered beast of the air” it took to the skies to send a message to “his man in Kentucky.”

“After the big bird took off, I didn’t have high hopes that anything much would come of it. I mean, from the Mojave Desert to Kentucky is about 2,000 miles as the crow flies, let alone an eagle,” explained Turnip.

“The bird would probably get bored before it got to Arizona and go find a cliff to romantically perch upon. I don’t know why Tyke was insistent on sending a message to some guy in Kentucky. Wasn’t there someone closer to home he could have called on? I mean, New Mexico would have been a stretch, but at least it was feasible, but Kentucky might have just as well been on the dark side of the moon.”

Turnip added, “So you can imagine my surprise when Tyke roused me from my slightly French and existentialist reverie, to announce with boyish wonder, ‘He’s here!’

“‘Who’s here?’ Asked Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘Captain KFC!’ Announced Tyke in a shrill voice as he pointed to a black shape in the sky that was growing a lot bigger and louder with each passing second.”

Turnip explained that as they looked to the heavens, they saw a huge aircraft that almost threatened to blot out the sun.

“Apparently, it was a cargo plane!” Said Turnip. “The good news was that Tyke said it was carrying four horses, the bad news is that me and Puerto Rico Paul had never ridden a horse outside of the carousel in the fair when we were nippers.

“Although Big Tony, who’s got a bit of gypsy blood in him, and Tyke, who rode horses in movies like ‘The Last Samurai,’ were used to riding bareback, me and Paul have always maintained the sophisticated urbanite’s distance from anything horsey.

“To be honest, I’ve never really trusted the way they trot around the place like highly sensitive psychopaths. They’re a bit too nervy and highly-strung for cool cats like me and Paul. I don’t like the way they just crap as they’re cantering a long either. It’s a bit classless. And the way they swish their heads always seems quite threatening. I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that they harbour a deep-seated resentment towards humans as well. The bottom line is I don’t trust them, but now, if I wanted to be a proper cowboy and get the hell out of Dodge, I was being forced to saddle up and ride all the way to Deadwood on one.

“Yet before Captain KFC could unleash the horses, he needed to land, and that was a massive ordeal, I can tell you. I won’t go into any great detail, but needless to say, it involved a lot of yelling, a lot of sand, and a lot of noise, but the pilot had obviously done this sort of thing before.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that once the ‘eagle’ had landed, they all waited with bated breath to greet the Captain.

“The first thing we saw after the cockpit door flew open was a snakeskin boot, and then we heard a voice with a Kentucky twang, drawl, ‘Fark’s sake! That was close!’

“As Tyke went running towards the plane like all his rodeos at come at once, the pilot jumped out and if the snakeskin boots weren’t bad enough, he was also wearing double denim topped off by mirror shades and a white cowboy hat. He was also chewing on a matchstick.

“I instantly knew it was the sort of look that would make Puerto Rico Paul insanely jealous, and when Paul gets an attack of the green eyes, the world needs to tread carefully.

“As Tyke and Captain KFC embraced one another like long lost business associates and talked shop, they eventually remembered they weren’t alone in the desert, and as Tyke introduced the Captain to ‘my crew’ as he called us, the man from Kentucky pointed at me and said, ‘So this is the Abergavenny man I’ve heard so much about.’

“After being met with the usual wall of silence we reserve for strangers with strange accents and even stranger hats, the Captain KFC took out his matchstick, spat on the sand, and said, ‘I see you boys ain’t exactly the chatty types. Why don’t we just get straight down to business then? How much you looking too front up for each horse? Bearing in mind they’re Kentucky thoroughbreds who been trained right and looked after even better?’

“Before anyone could reply, Paul piped up with, ‘Where we come from, they call people who sell horses, gypsies!’

“‘That right!’ Said the Captain. ‘Where I come from, they call them boss!’

“‘Obviously impressed by the Captain’s unruffled demeanour and sartorial choices, Paul asked, ’So why do they call you Captain KFC? You own a sub-standard fast food franchise or something?’

“‘Or something…’ Said the Captain as he looked Paul up and down slowly to get the measure of the man who was taunting him.’

“Before things could get any more heated, Tyke interjected with, ‘This here is Kentucky Farkin’ Curtis boys. Be civil. He’s a media baron and trust me, you want him on side.’

“‘A media what?’ Said Paul. ‘That some fancy word for a blogger?’

“‘Nothing fancy about what I do boy!’ Growled the Captain.

“‘Or clever I bet!’ Snarked Paul.

“‘You want these horses or are you wasting my time. Because both will cost you - a lot!’ Warned the Kentucky hot-head.

“‘Course we want the horses, Captain,’ bellowed Tyke merrily. ‘Unleash the beasts and let’s see what we’re working with!’”

Turnip added, “After yelling,’Fark Yeah! Captain KFC finally opened the holding doors on the cargo plane, but it wasn’t just horses he had in there, there was something a hell of a lot weirder waiting inside the shadows to destroy our already damaged minds.”

To be continued......