AN Abergavenny man has warned that anyone planning on going on an out-of-body experience anytime soon would do well to remember how exhausting a trip to the astral realms can be.

“It’s not all life-changing encounters with mystical beings and sensations of floating without a care in the world,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Visiting other realms can leave you feeling like you’ve just put in a 16-hour shift at the coal-face. Not that I’d know what that’s like but I imagine the effect on your muscles and general well-being is the same.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after an extended out-of-body experience in a place he calls the “Far-flung lands where the fairies live,” he felt absolutely shattered upon returning to this mortal coil.

Turnip explained, “The funny thing is, I always used to dismiss people who claimed they could astrally project. I just thought it was a case of, ’Wait to the ‘shrooms wear off dick-head!’”

Turnip added, “Puerto Rico Paul got heavily into the remote viewing thing in the 1990s. He and Fast Eddie even managed to get their hands on one of those sensory deprivation tanks,” explained Turnip.

“Paul is a huge ripperologist and the plan was for him to return to the Whitechapel in 1888 and find out the true identity of Jack the Ripper.

“He explained to us all how remote viewing worked but we didn’t really listen. Paul was doing a lot of pills at the time and was getting into all kinds of weird stuff.

“Anyhow, to cut a long story short, after days spent locked in his little lightproof and soundproof capsule full of lukewarm water and Epsom salts he ended up with a bad dose of the flu.

“He never made it to the gaslights, cobbles, and murderous mists of the old East End but when he was resting up in his mother’s caravan he did mention something about being in Dallas for the JFK assassination. We just put it down to him being the son of a witch, but now I see my old mate was on to something. There’s a lot more to these out-of-body experiences than meets the eye.”

Turnip explained that prior to his spirit guide Bob Dylan taking him to the far-flung lands he’d already had a few excursions into the mystic, but nothing quite on the scale of his most recent trip.

“I’d already talked with the Triple Goddess on the eternal beach but that only lasted a matter of minutes. It seemed I was in the far-flung lands for days without end,” said Turnip

“It all came to a head after meeting the Oracle of the Cursed Shores. Talking to a tortoise who claimed it was some sort of all-knowing prophet messed with my mind a bit.

“Anyhow the Oracle said that to find Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold I would need to return to New York and seek the help of the one they called the Fitz.

“‘Who is this Fitz?’ I demanded.

The turtle replied, ‘He is the beautiful and he is the damned, and he can always be found this side of paradise.’

“Drawing a blank I looked at Dylan who just winked and said. ‘There’s something happening here and you don’t know what it is do you Mr Jones?’

“Turning back to the turtle I said, I can see you’re one for riddles, well riddle me this reptile. Give me an actual location where I can find this Fitz and I shall be on my way to save the world.’

“‘Head to the Plaza in Central Park South and ask for Angel Eyes. Tell him the tortoise sent you and that’ll get you an audience.’

“‘Nice one Oracle” I said. ‘Now all I need is to leave the Island of No Return and get back to reality. Any ideas?’

“‘Sure thing boss!’ Said a voice behind me.

“As I turned I saw there was a pirate standing there. He looked like Long John Silver but with two legs. I would like to say I was shocked but by this point, my mind was capable of adapting to any fresh lunacy that confronted it.

“‘Hello sea dog!’ I said. ‘What brings you to the cursed shores?’

“‘You do Turnip. I’ve come to return you to reality.

“‘It’s time’ said Dylan gravely as he shook the pirate’s hand. The poor boy’s mind’s at breaking point. He’s seen enough for his first tour.’

“‘I remember my first time in these lands’ Said the pirate fondly. I was but a little drummer boy.’

“‘Enough of the reminiscing me hearty’ Said Dylan in a weird accent that made him sound like a village idiot from Bristol. This lad has fairy gold to find and a world to save. Can we count on your steel and have you a ship fit for service?’

“‘The boat isn’t fit but she’ll serve, and as for my steel. Captain Moon is the only buccaneer of bounty that can chart a course through the troubled waters that lie between the endless promise of the far-flung lands and the ugly rock we call reality. Now all abroad my mateys. Destiny is calling.’”

Turnip explained, “As Captain Moon waffled on, he led us a little further along the beach where his boat was moored.

“I was expecting something epic along the lines of The Black Pearl from The Pirates of the Caribbean but it was a rundown red and green canal barge that had seen better days.

“‘Ain’t she a beauty’ Said Captain Moon as he patted her affectionately and climbed aboard.

"‘Jump on me mates.' He urged. 'She may not look much but this old girl and me have sailed the universe and beyond with barely a scrape for our troubles.’

“As Captain Moon proudly took his place at the tiller of the narrowboat which was emblazoned with the name ‘A Quick One (While He’s Away)’ he waited like an impatient but cheerful spaniel for me and Dylan to join him.

“As we sat on either side of the Captain on the white plastic garden chairs someone had crudely painted with the word ‘Crew, he yelled, ‘Cobwebs and Strange! to me.’ And one pink and one orange parrot flew from the skies and landed on each of his shoulders before they screeched, ‘Tommy can you hear me?’

“‘Of course he can’t my loves. He’s deaf!’ Said Captain Moon. ‘But we can, and we’re ready to fly. Now take us to warp speed, my little feathered friends! We’re ready to rock and roll!’”

Turnip explained, “The skies were suddenly alive with thunder, that is if thunder sounded like 1000 maniacal mavericks playing the drums. Captain Moon then roared, ‘Close your eyes and feel the rhythm me boys. We’re about to ride the lightning!’

"And then things went cosmic in a big way!"

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.