AS holiday destinations go, a place named the “Island of No Return” wouldn’t be on top of most people’s bucket lists. It has a somewhat ominous tone to it. However, an Abergavenny man has claimed he has not only visited such a place but has returned to tell the tale.

“Apparently I’m the first mortal to visit what they call “the cursed shores” and live to tell the tale,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“To be honest though, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. In my opinion, it was no worse than a night out on the lash in Merthyr.”

The Abergavenny explorer was taken to the Island of No Return by his spirit guide Bob Dylan in a giant floating bubble.

“After the Sugar Spun Sister had sent us heavenwards in one of her magic bubbles, I was kind of enjoying the trip and taking in the views when Dylan said, ‘I hate to burst your bubble JT, but don’t get too comfortable. We’re on our way to the Island of No Return to pay a visit to the Oracle of the cursed shores.’

“‘Why would we do that Bob?’ I said. ‘Sounds pretty pointless!’

“Dylan just looked at me all cryptically and said, ‘Someone’s got it in for me, they’re planting stories in the press!”

“‘Stay on track Joker man!’ I replied. ‘You’re making as much sense as a fork in a world of soup.’

“Dylan just did a weird breakdancing mood, which trust me, is a lot harder than you think when you’re floating in a bubble, and said, ‘I’ve only smiled once in 16 months and I didn’t do out voluntarily.’

Ok, moody chops!” I replied. ‘Have it your way.'

"I’ve found that when the old bastard gets this sort of head on it’s best just to let him work it out of his system.

“Looking out of the bubble into the tangerine skies and the emerald green sea I saw a lady flying by and waving. The odd thing is she was wearing nothing but diamonds.

“Dylan just waved back and said, ‘Hi Lucy” and then the bubble burst.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “We didn’t so much as fall from the skies as we were teleported. One minute I’m sky high in a magic bubble and the next thing you know I’m walking on a beach of red sand.

“It was a savage experience and I know now why Captain Kirk always used to look so vexed. Having every single atom in your body torn apart by high magic and then rebuilt almost instantaneously in another place is pretty quantum.

“Anyhow, as technically I was only in the far-flung lands in spirit form, it was a case of mind over matter. Still, it left me feeling a bit worn and torn I can tell you.”

Turnip explained that as they walked along the sandy shores, his first thoughts were that the place looked as far from cursed as possible.

“It had a kind of tropical paradise feel to it if I’m to be honest,” he explained.

“As we walked I asked Dylan where we were heading and he said, ‘Well I’m a stranger here in a strange land but I know this is where I belong.’

“‘Ok Bob’ I said, but let’s get to the point shall we?’

“He suddenly knelt down, picked up some sand and rubbed it in his hands a bit like the thing that Russell Crowe does in Gladiator, and said, ‘Now I heard of a guy who lived a long time ago. A man full of sorrow and strife. That if someone around him died and was dead. He knew how to bring him on back to life.’

“‘Sounds like our man!’ I said. ‘We don’t need no necromancer but we could do with a magic man to find our way back to the mortal realms and give me a few tips on how to find Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold.’

“It was then I noticed the tortoise” Explained Turnip.

“It was kind of mooching toward us in a leisurely crawl and doing that weird reptilian thing with its head. I’ve always found tortoises kind of freaky and this one was a big bastard!

“‘What the hell does that thing want?’ I said to Dylan while pointing at the stunted dinosaur.

“‘Behold the Oracle of the Cursed Shores!’ Announced Dylan.

“‘Jesus Christ! What next?’ I cried. It was like being trapped in a bad fantasy film from the 1980s.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “The tortoise was looking at me with its beady and calculating eyes, like it couldn’t make up its mind if I was a cabbage or not, and then hissed, ‘Fools! Whatever quest has brought you to these cursed shores will be your last. No one ever leaves the Island of No Return.’”

Turnip said, “By this point meeting a talking tortoise was an average day for me and so it wasn’t so much that the tortoise could speak that shocked me but more the attitude on the scaly little freak.

“I shouted back, ‘Look here Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo, or whatever your name is. Back in my world we buy things like you in pet shops, play with them for a bit, and then stick them in the fridge and forget about them. No one tells a Turnip where they can and can’t go! Especially not a pea head in a shell!”

“‘Surprised at being talked to as an equal and not some sort of lizard god, the Oracle screamed, ‘Listen to the words long written down. You cannot and will not leave these shores!’

“‘Why?’ I asked

“‘Because it has been written!’ It yelled.

“‘A lot of things have been written, don’t mean any of it makes much sense.’ I said.

“As if chewing on the wisdom of my words like a partially ripe leafy green, the tortoise moved its head slowly from left to right and began to ponder.

“Sensing an opportunity I began planning my move. Looking over at Dylan I noticed that for some weird reason he was now standing on his head with his eyes shut. There’d be no hope coming from that wastrel. I weighed up the idea of tossing the tortoise on its back and threatening to cook and eat it if it didn’t tell us what we needed to know and how we could get off this weird beach.

“I then thought of picking it up and throwing it in the ocean and laughing like a superior being, but before I could decide on a course of action, the tortoise said, ‘You know. I’ve never appreciated that just because you’ve always done a certain thing or thought a certain way it can’t be changed. You’ve opened my eyes Turnip. I will now share with you the fruit of the Oracle and give you safe passage back from the Island of No Return.’

“'Cheers Turtle!' I said, 'But before we go any further you haven’t got any beer, have you? I’m parched!’”

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.