DUE to their green outfits, big hats, buckled shoes, red beards, insanely cheerful demeanours, and obsession with pots of gold and rainbows, most sane people would probably give leprechauns a wide berth without knowing anything about their origin story. Yet, according to an Abergavenny man with knowledge of such things, there’s another valid reason to fear the “little folk.”

“They’re basically fairies who have been driven insane by greed, alcohol abuse, and resentment!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“From what I can gather, they’re a bit like fallen angels. They once lived in the grace and splendour of the fairy realms, dancing with butterflies, chilling on toadstools, that sort of thing, and then they got a taste for gold and a thirst for whiskey and started causing bloody havoc in the far-flung lands!”

Turnip added, “Obviously the fairy chiefs weren’t having a bunch of yobs trashing their tranquility and ruining those fancy big dances the fairies love, and so they herded the leprechauns up one morning when they were fiercely hungover, lassoed them like cattle and dragged them kicking and screaming to the mortal realms.

“Ever since then they’ve been banished to live in holes in a place beneath the earth they call Leper Land. Obviously, being leprechauns, they have a giant chip on their shoulders anyway. Still, the knowledge that they can never again return to the far-flung lands of bluegrass, golden rivers, and tangerine skies has made them psychopathic.

“When not busy trying to fill their pots with gold, playing cruel tricks on earthlings, or butchering mermaids for their scales, they sit around get drunk, and sing songs about the old country.

“They’ve tried repeatedly to buy their way back into the far-flung lands, but fairies have no use for their kind of gold. Fairy gold is the stuff of healing, and leprechaun gold is the stuff of nightmares. Their tragedy is they never realise this. Still, it’s bad news for me and the boys!

“Apparently, the leprechauns’ top lads have got wind that Potato Creek Johnny’s descendant is on a mission to find his pot of gold and heal the world. The word amongst the little folk is some jumped-up types from Wales are looking to make a big score that could change anything, and the leprechauns are running scared.

"From experience, I know that a scared leprechaun is a dangerous leprechaun. I didn’t need my spirit guide Bob Dylan to tell me to watch my back, but he did anyway.

“‘Watch your back JT!’ He said. ‘Their name is legion and their number is many!’”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he was shown the tragic tale of how the leprechauns came to be by the Sugar Spun Sister and her amazing bubble show.

“They don’t have DVDs or streaming services in the fairy realms to tell their tales, but what they do have is bubble shows!” Explained Turnip.

“It’s quite amazing really. Dylan took me to this circus tent-looking thing and just behind the flaps was a woman all in a shimmering white gown playing the harp by candlelight. Dylan introduced her as the Sugar Spun Sister.”

Turnip said, “I was a bit worried at first because she looked a little like one of those Stevie Nicks types who would probably do an annoying dance before wanting to read my aura, but she just looked up and snarled at Dylan, but in the way an old friend would, 'Watcha doing here Mr. Magpie? Got no songs for you to steal today!’

“‘The business of songs is not what I’m conducting Sister.’ He replied. ‘I seek the bubbles of past times and the tale of how the leprechauns came to be.’

“‘What business has this creature with the foul ones!’ She asked whilst pointing at me like I was a three-legged dog wearing one of those cones of shame.

“‘He’s the one the prophecies speak of. The finder of the gold, the changer of times, and the Turnip of destiny.’

“‘Is he now!” Said the Sister, while looking me up and down with a face that seemed to say, ‘Not in any universe this side of sane he ain’t!’

“‘The stars have aligned, the cracks have widened and the show nears its end,” Said Dylan. ‘He is the one and we must show him the way.’

“‘This is the way!’ Said the Sister. And for a few seconds, I just nodded my head solemnly as if she was recanting some ancient rite, I then realised she was pointing towards the back of the tent and saying again with growing impatience, ‘This is the way!’”

Turnip explained thatas he followed the Sugar Spun Sister further into the tent where the shadows grew and the atmosphere thickened he noticed a fridge full of cold beer and asked if could have one.

“‘Be my quest!’ Said the Sister.

"'Don't you mean guest?' I asked

"'How boring!' She said."

After being told to make themselves comfortable on nearby bean bags, Turnip and Dylan both cracked open a tin each and waited for the show to begin.

Turnip explained, “As I stretched and took a refreshing swig it dawned on me just how strange it was to be sat here in the fairy realms, sharing a beer with Bob Dylan and waiting for a white witch to do her magic, but I’d been in stranger situations so I just sort of took it in my stride.

“Besides which, the Sister’s bubble show was well impressive. She had what looked like a regular tub of bubbles with one of those handheld blowers, but when she blew a bubble it got really big, and as it began floating she sort of waved her hand and things started happening inside. It was like being at the cinema but more immersive. Kind of like virtual reality but without those silly headsets.

“The first bubble showed how the fairies all once lived together in harmony and happiness before the leprechaun apocalypse. It was a bit like watching Mel Gibson and the Scottish villagers throwing rocks at each other and having a laugh at the start of ‘Braveheart’ before the English mob arrived.

“When that bubble burst, the Sister blew another, and then another, and another, until I had learned the entire history of the leprechaun origin story. It was grim but at least now I understood the little bastards better, and as Big Tony always reminds me, you should always know the enemy.

“The only part of the history I was a bit concerned about was that there was a part when my ancestor Potato Creek Johnny was seen strutting through the far-flung lands on his search for gold, drinking from a bottle of whiskey. Anyhow, he gets to talking to a couple of fairy folk and insists they have some of his booze. In the next bubble, the first fairies begging to fall foul of the leprechaun curse, and I can’t help thinking old Johnny Boy was indirectly responsible for turning the fairies bad by introducing them to whiskey!

“After the bubble show was over and I cracked open another beer and mused about the sins of my fathers and all that, I noticed the Sister studying me carefully before asking, ‘So foul Turnip. What do you understand from this?’

“I scratched my chin thoughtfully and replied hopefully, ‘That fortune is always hiding?’

“In way of reply she waved her hand, and me and Dylan were carried away in a great bubble of our own, far into the tangerine skies and to god knows where!’"

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.