MANY of you may be familiar with the “Man with No Name” character that Clint Eastwood made famous in Sergio Leone’s Dollar trilogy of films.

Yet how many of you have heard of the “Man with No Game?”

According to semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip, the man in question is a longtime resident of Wales, Utah, and is the real-life inspiration behind Eastwood’s cigar-smoking, poncho-wearing cowboy.

“When we first wandered into Wales, it was a bit weird meeting someone who walked and talked like the “Man with No Name.” Explained Turnip.

“It was a bit like walking into that TV show that was set in the Wild West with all those robots and the good-looking farm girl.”

Turnip added, “We knew exactly who the fella was supposed to be straight off the bat. Me and the boys had been raised on a steady diet of A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, and The Outlaw Josey Wales.

“We’d bunk off school, and watch a moody VHS copy of them at Fast Eddie’s house while drinking his mother’s gin and replacing it with water so she wouldn’t find out after she came home from bingo and beat Ed senseless with the dog lead.”

Turnip said, “We were only about 12 years old at the time, but back then, we were all cowboys. We used to walk around the streets half-cut and wearing these weird ponchos we’d made out of duvet covers. In hindsight, we probably looked like weird drunken ghosts with cap guns and potty mouths, but in our heads, we were the meanest and most ruthless gang of outlaws this side of creation.

“As we grew up and got into drugs, we put our obsession with being cowboys to one side, but Fast Eddie never quite let it go. He started collecting cowboy hats and boots all through his twenties, and he’d jump at any excuse to dress like a gunslinger.

“We just dismissed his obsession at the time because he’s technically a dwarf, and we didn’t want to offend him. But looking back, maybe my friend was born in the wrong place and the wrong era. He would have made a great sidekick for some famous outlaw or other, and it was a shame he couldn’t make the trip stateside with us. Line-dancing in Aberdare is sadly as close as Fast Ed will now get to the wild frontier.”

Turnip added that they first encountered the “Man with No Game” when they strolled into Wales, Utah, in the early hours.

He told the Chronicle, “I don’t know if any of your readers have ever been to Wales, but there isn’t a lot going on. We’d come down off the mountains and expected to walk into one of those old-fashioned western towns you see in the movies, with a salon and that sort of thing, but mainly it was just some roads with houses and a few static caravans surrounded by unforgiving wilderness on all sides. Puerto Rico Paul said it reminded him of Varteg, and he had a point. It was just a bit weird to think this tiny area in Utah was also called Wales.”

Turnip said as they strolled into town, they tried to best to look like the Magnificent Seven, (if three of them had already been shot), arriving on the scene of some terrible injustice to make things right.

He explained, “We tried to do the outlaw strut, but it’s a bit difficult when you’re walking into what looks like a quiet residential caravan park late at night. We’d walked from the darkness on the edge of town, but there were no black-hearted villains or Gothic AI clowns waiting in Wales for it all to kick off. Just tired people sleeping off another weary day.

“It seemed a strange place to stage an apocalypse, and just as I began to think we’d been duped by the gorgon, a figure appeared from behind a fire hydrant dressed as Clint Eastwood and drawled, ‘You fellas looking for the pot?’

“Our spidey senses alerted us straight away that this guy could be a potential head case. Why would a grown man dress up as a cowboy and wander the streets of a town of no more than 400 people at three in the morning?

“Admittedly, we were technically doing the same, minus the cowboy outfits, but we were on a mission to save the world, so we had legitimacy on our side. This dude was still suspect, and we decided to treat him as such.

“‘What do you know about the pot!’ I asked, as he nonchalantly lit up a cigarillo

“After taking what seemed like an eternity to puff away on his weird fag, he looked out for beneath the shadows of his hat and said, ‘You’re talking to the keeper of the pot. It was entrusted to me a lifetime and countless sunsets ago. I’ve been waiting a long time for its rightful heir to come claim it.’

“‘Who are you, stranger?’ I asked.

“‘They call me the Man with No Game,’ he replied as we all stifled a laugh.

“‘What’s so funny, fellas?’ He demanded

“‘Nothing!’ I said. ‘It’s just you look and sound a lot like the Man with No Name.’

“‘You talking about that Hollywood big shot who came here all those years ago with that director guy, looking for locations to source their silly little movies and speak to some real tough son of bitches in the name of character development?’

“‘Clint Eastwood was here?’

“‘That’s the fella. Didn’t have much time for him. All talk and no walk. I heard he stole my look, and then bastardised my name, or lack of it, for the big screen. Never seen them though. People say I should call it some sort of tribute, but I’m the Man with No Game. I have no time or inclination for the fancies or frivolities of others. I just got my duty, and once that’s done, I can lay my burden down and walk into the sunset a free man.’

“‘You’re telling me you’re the keeper of Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold?’ I asked.

“‘You got that right!’ He said. ‘I made an oath to the old bastard that I’d take care of business when the time comes. And guess what, the time is now. Now walk with me, fellas. One way or another, before the sun rises, the fate of the world will be decided.’”

To be continued…..