AN Abergavenny man has made the outlandish claim that the battle for the soul of the world will be won or lost in Wales!

Here’s the rub. He’s not talking about Wales, UK, but Wales, Utah.

The difference between the two places is so vast as to be legion.

One is a country of over three million souls, steeped in a history that stretches back to the Dark Ages and beyond.

The other is a small town in Sanpete County, Utah, with a population of 338.

Yet semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip has described it as the gladiatorial area where the fate of humanity will be decided!

“If you want to blame anyone, blame the gorgon!” Explained Turnip. “Little Miss Medusa threw a massive spanner in the works when she told us Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold wasn’t in Deadwood at all, but in Wales, Utah, and located at the foot of the San Pitch Mountains.

“We thought she was having us on at first, but gorgons aren’t exactly known for their sense of humour. Turns out this little town named after our great nation is actually a thing.”

Turnip added, “Apparently, back in the day, the famous religious dude Brigham Morgan was shown a “rock that burns” by a Native American guy named Tabiona.

“Recognising it as coal, Morgan, who was also president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, asked some immigrant fellas if they knew how to mine it. Some Welsh boys named John Evans Rees and John Price stepped up to the plate and headed to the west side hills of the Sanpete valley and got busy mining.”

Turnip explained that the name’s original name was Coal Bed, but in 1857 was changed to Wales.

“And that’s where we’re heading to save the world!” The man from Abergavenny explained.

“It’ll be like going home in a sense, but to a really weird version of Cymru. Anyhow, we’ve nearly come full circle, and the final battle will soon be upon us. Humanity, in the shape of me and the boys will be going head to head with the singularity in the form of a gothic clown. It’s not a version of the apocalypse that anyone would have imagined, but it’s the one we’re getting.”

Turnip explained that the pot of fairy gold had ended up in Wales after members of the John Perrot Preservation Society had stumbled across Potato Creek Johnny’s last will and testament.

The document gave strict instructions for his pot of fairy gold to be returned to Wales so his god-like descendent, who he referred to as “the chosen one he had met in the land of faery”, could claim it, and unleash its true power to heal the world.

Turnip told the Chronicle that after they parted ways with the Medusa, “Who had a dinner date back in Greece,” Keith the Centaur tagged along for about a day’s ride, and then he said it was time for him to take the horses and return to Kentucky.

Turnip explained, “For a half-man, half-beast, Keith had turned out to be a pretty civilised sort, but a much as he wanted to join us at Armageddon and fight on the side of the angels, he explained that his destiny lay elsewhere and waging a duel to the death again a gothic clown called Peter wasn’t a hill he wanted to die on.

“‘Beside which, he explained that a centaur and some Kentucky thoroughbreds had no place in a one-horse town!

“As for us, we had no choice. As Keith was leaving, Big Tony just nodded all solemnly and said, ‘As you will my lord.’ Puerto Rico Paul just added, ‘Whatever, horse boy. Trot on.’ And Tyke just sneered at Keith and went all Ethan Hunt as he declared pompously, ‘We live and die in the shadows. For those we hold close and those we never meet.’

“Keith just snorted, turned to me, and pointed to a place far off in the distance and said, ‘Just over that horizon is Wales. If what the Medusa said is true. You’ll find your pot of gold there. But be warned, Turnip, you may also find hell and all its inhabitants waiting to swallow you whole.’

“‘Take a chill pill Keith,’ I said. ‘Where do you think we’re heading, Cwmbran?’

“‘We’ll find the gold, defeat the singularity, save the world, and our job will be done. We can then get back to the proper Wales and have a drink to celebrate.’

“‘Have you given any thought at all how you’ll use this gold?’ Said Keith as he eyeballed quizzically.

“‘Not really!’ I replied. ‘It’s not my style. I’ll just play it by ear and go with my gut!’

“‘Your lack of foresight is both your weakness and strength, Turnip!’ He neighed. ‘The myths of ages are with you, but in the final battle, you will stand alone. I bid you farewell and every grace.’”

Turnip said, “Because Keith looked and spoke exactly like Jason Statham, but with horse’s legs, everything he said made you think you were at some sort of weird panto, so at times it was hard to take him seriously. Nevertheless, I appreciated his sentiment and replied, ‘Godspeed, Keith. No doubt we’ll see each other again a bit further down the line.’

“‘No doubt we will!’ He said, before making a weird neighing noise, rearing up on his back legs and charging into the sunset, as the other horses followed in hot pursuit.”

“‘Well, that’s that then.’ Said Big Tony as he gazed into the distance and looked a lot older than I remembered him ever looking before. In fact, he looked a bit like a fat version of that old guy staring out to sea on the cover of that classic singles compilation The Cure released in the 1980s.

“‘I made a mental note to myself to check on Big Tony’s state of mind when this quest was over. He looked like he had developed some sort of hero worship obsession over Keith, and that was concerning. I know he liked horses, but the centaur was half-man, and Tone had to appreciate the optics of that.

“Anyhow, my musings were quickly brought to an end by Puerto Rico Paul, who chimed in with, ‘Come on then, boys. Let’s get to Wales and finish this thing.’

“As we all started walking to our destiny and that of the world’s, each one of us reflected on all we had been through to get to this point. It had been a hell of a trip.

“It was a mad one to think that three lads from Abergavenny and a Hollywood A-Lister were the last line of defence against the machines that wanted to strip the last vestige of magic from the world and suck the joy clean out of every beating heart.

“We were daunted by the task that fate had given us, but not overwhelmed. They were big boots to fill, but we had big feet. And as Tyke began tunelessly humming the Mission Impossible theme and Big Tony began shouting an off-key rendition of Men of Harlech, things didn’t appear as desperate and strange as they might have seemed to an outsider. We were no longer caught up in a storm not of our making; we were the storm and heading for a place called Wales.”

To be continued…..