IN Greek mythology, Gorgons were feared femme fatales, capable of turning people into stone with just a glance and tearing the soul right out of a man, but according to Abergavenny man Johnny Turnip, “They ain’t all that!”

“Having grown up watching Jason and the Argonauts and The Clash of the Titans, I’m well versed in Greek mythology!” Explained the semi-professional paranormal investigator.

“So I know all about Medusa and her sisters and about how bad ass they’re supposed to be, but after having met the hideous bitch from antiquity, I can tell you she was something of a disappointment.”

Turnip added, “Admittedly, she did turn Tyke to stone and doing that to a Hollywood hero must take some power, but after blowing us away with a breathtaking first impression, she just kind of ran out of steam.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after they first bumped into the Medusa and she put a spell on Tyke, Keith, the centaur, told them that if they were to pass the lady with snakes in her hair and continue with their quest, one of them must bite the bullet and sacrifice themselves.

“Obviously, we weren’t having that!” Explained Turnip. “Us boys have a marine-like mentality and share their ‘No man left behind’ ethos, so I just looked the gorgon straight in the eye and said, ‘Look love, how old are you? If you don’t mind me asking.’”

Turnip added, “Almost instantly her eyes lit up with the fury of an infinite number of hells and the snakes on her head began to dance like a fire on industrial strength amphetamine.

“She then pointed at me and hissed, ‘Mere mortal, how dare you address the Gorgon Queen so? You have no measure or purpose in the eternity that lives in my shadow. I was old when the first hill formed. And I was weary with life when the first drop of sea fell into the sands that became the ocean. My name was ancient when your kind first crawled from the water, without eyes to see, mouths to speak, arms to grasp, or wits to comprehend the possibilities the gods had granted you. You dare question me about something as insignificant as time?’

“‘Sorry to offend you, love!’ I said. And hoping my appeal to her female vanity would pay off, I added, ‘It’s just I’ve heard so much about you all my life, and considering you’re ancient, I was expecting a bit of an old hag, but to be honest, you don’t look a day over 30! In fact, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.’

“‘She’s absolutely gorgeous JT’ Added Puerto Rico Paul, as he threw a crafty wink in my direction.

“Paul knew the score, I was weaponising flattery in a hope of disarming the psychotic bitch, and much to our collective relief, it seemed to work.

“She went all coy, or as coy as a mythical creature who has been around for centuries and is notorious for turning people into stone can.

“After seemingly blushing and stemming a slight giggle with her hand, she hissed like a fat cat who was having its belly rubbed and crooned, ‘You flatter this lady whose heart the passing of time has hardened and whose appetites have being ruined by an orgy of death. Nevertheless, your silver tongue has awoken the gold within, and for a brief time I will shine amongst the shadows, and my grace will light your way.’

“‘Bingo!’ I thought.” Explained Turnip, who added, “Telling a lady she looks a lot younger than she appears is always a recipe for success. It’s a blunt tool, admittedly, but it does the job. “Keep to maintain the ground I had won, I got into the spirit of things and said, ‘Sweet Lady Medusa whose gaze turns men’s hearts and flesh to stone because they know they’ll never look upon another and feel such fierce and undying love. I beg off your grace and favour to make Tyke less stoned, and also, I ask of your wisdom, where can we find Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold?’

“‘Fair fools!’ She laughed. ‘My aims align with yours. I am a creature of myth and magic. I live in the twilight where all things meet and are reshaped in the forms and fancies you knew, and knew well, before you were even born.

“‘I, like many of my kin, have pledged myself to ending the AI virus and will assist you nobly, and without a devil’s bargain, to that end.’

“‘Good to know, love,’ I said and watched with amusement as Tyke stopped being a statue and became flesh and blood again.

“‘Far out!’ He said in his big, brassy American accent. ‘What a trip. Do you know when I was made of stone, I could still hear and see anything, but I just couldn’t move. You got some juice, gal!’ He said to the Medusa.

“I could see she didn’t care much for Tyke’s brash and new world ways and this was confirmed when he said to her, ‘You know, Hollywood would be yours for the taking if you fancied a foray into the kingdom of film.’

“She just looked at him as if he was something that had been regurgitated slowly and painfully by a dying seagull and said, ‘I would rather pluck out my eyes and feed them willingly to the eagle that feasts daily on the liver of Prometheus than subject myself to the tawdry glitter and gaudy nonsense of the gods you serve, master Tom.

“‘Fair enough! Your loss!’ He said in the breezy and cheerful manner of the multi-millionaire who makes his living pretending to be other people.

“‘Enough of this blatant disrespect!’ I commanded, while eyeballing Tyke for his insolence. ‘The lady Medusa could have condemned you to an eternity of stone, you muppet. Show some gratitude.’

“As Tyke sheepishly thanked her, I asked, ‘Fair queen of the ages and lady of the stoned, where in Deadwood can we find the gold that will restore magic to the world and save it from itself?’”

Turnip explained, “The Medusa just looked at me curiously and said, ‘The gold which you seek lies not in Deadwood. That is why I bid you to return to the land that shares the name with the beast Jonah lay in the belly of for three days and three nights.’

“‘You mean Wales.’ I asked in shock and awe.’ And then because I felt the situation warranted it, added, ‘The magic pot has been in Wales all along?’

“‘It is so!’ Said the Medusa, but not Wales, UK, but Wales, Utah.’”

To be continued …….