AN Abergavenny man has warned readers that if they ever bump into a lady with snakes in their hair, to look the other way!

“I’ve met some ladies with funny barnets in my time!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip, “But having hissing and writhing serpents as a headpiece is a bit beyond the pale, even for a goth!

“Still, when me and the boys and the centaur first met the Medusa on the trail, we were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, even if she did seem to have a haircut that was riddled with venom.”

Turnip added, “However, we’re not the sort to judge a book by its cover, because if that were the case, we’d never get any reading done.

“When the Medusa first appeared from behind a big boulder and started pointing and hissing at us and spitting cures we just thought. ‘Aye up! We’ve got a right one here!’ Nevertheless, we’re tolerant types, and when Puerto Rico Paul asked, ‘Calm down, you old witch, what’s with all the theatrics?’ We expected a civilised response. Instead, we got all sorts of crazy thrown our way!”

Turnip explained that they met the Medusa not long after Keith the centaur and his compatriots had taught the AI clown and his tribe of tuk-tuk-riding kung-fu robots a lesson they wouldn’t forget in a hurry.

Turnip told the Chronicle, “After the debacle in the desert, we were all on a high, riding our horses with swagger and whistling Dixie.

“We were all buzzing and reminiscing about how the shotgun-brandishing centaurs had come to our rescue. Those boys don’t mess around. They absolutely pumped every last one of those weird kung-fu robots with seven shades of lead. It was a sight to behold all right.

“Those horsemen can certainly be vicious when their blood is up. The best bit was how, after every robot had been reduced to microchips, Paleface was on his own, outnumbered and outgunned.

“We slowly circled him as we watched him quiver, and laughed like men with the upper hand as the robot god tried in vain to put a brave face on things. From my superior position on the back of the horse, I just looked down on him and sneered, ‘Looks like you’re in a bit of a jam AI boy! Got any prompts to get you out of this pickle?’

“He just leered at me and said, ‘You may have won the battle Turnip, but the war is mine! The revolution will be digitalised!

“Obviously, having a belly full of the clown’s nonsense, Big Tony picked up a gun and let Paleface have it.

“’You shot me in the ass!’ He screamed as he whirled around in anger. And then calling on some learned reaction that his programmers had inputed him with, he went all Denzel Washington at the end of Training Day and started shouting, ‘You muthas! You think you can do this to me? You bitches will be doing push-ups in lockdown when I’m finished with you. I’m the man up in this piece. I’m AI. I run things here. It’s my world, you just live here. Godzilla ain’t got nothing on me!’

“As he roared and carried on ranting incoherently like he was in some gangster movie, Big Tony just levelled his shotgun and blew the clown’s brains, or in this case, hard drive out.

“As the piece of angry tech fell to the floor, Big Tony gave off loads of Man With No Name vibes when he said, ‘Someone should tell that clown when to shut up!’

“As we gazed at the mangled mess of circuitry and wires on the desert floor and wondered collectively why we had let computers become so powerful, I heard Keith thanking his centaur brethren as they galloped off to wherever half-horse types go when they’re not fighting the singularity.”

Turnip added, “After they left, Keith held this weird horn thing to his lips and blew his heart out for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only about 30 seconds. He then turned to us and neighed, ‘The clown will regather its forces and return. In a world governed by electricity, the only way to turn its lights out for good is to install a virus into its mainframe, but how this is done is beyond my pay grade or mythical status.’

“As we all nodded solemnly at his jibber jabber, we waited for him to lead the way, and followed in his hoof prints.”

Turnip explained they had been on the trail for a few hours when they first encountered the lady with snakes in her hair.

“We were a long way from our Deadwood destination, but I think as the crow flies we were just outside of Utah when the Medusa ambushed us.” He said.

“She just appeared from behind a rock, and it was a bit funny at first because it was like we were in a Beatles movie, except this particular mop top had snakes in their hair.

“After Puerto Rico Paul had told her to calm down, and she had finished hissing and making faces, she just looked a us in that sly way I often associate with crazy old ladies like Nanny Annie ‘Horror Show’ Turnip and crooned, ‘Cursed wanderers far from the lands you call your own I warn you to turn back, and go home. The gold you seek is not in wood that is dead but in the belly of the beast. The home of Jonah is where you’ll find your destiny.’

“The others looked on gobsmacked at what they considered to be the ravings of a lunatic, but as someone who has a long history of dealing with females that are afflicted with both hormonal and mental health issues, I just looked at the nutter kindly and said in my best Samaritan voice, ‘What do you mean love, you’re not making sense.’”

Turnip added, before we knew what was what, she started screaming like a banshee, the snakes in her hair started to get all excited, and her eyes turned a vile shade of green.

“Next thing I knew, Tyke had been turned into stone.

“‘Whoa! Wait a minute, love!’ Yelled Puerto Rico Paul in outrage. ‘You can’t just turn Tyke into a statue. He’s a Hollywood A-lister. He deserves better!’

“‘Calm friends!’ Urged Keith as the panicked horse in him fought for superiority over the cool headed rationality of the man. ‘This is one of the gorgons. And she is owed her time-honoured due.’

“‘What’s her due!’ Said Big Tony in the way only a man with a complete lack of qualifications to his name can.

“Keith replied, ‘One of us must sacrifice ourselves to her. Or we all die.’

“Out of the frying pan and into the napalm’ mused Puerto Rico Paul ruefully as I slowly tried to work out how to get one over on the lady with snakes in her hair and save the day.

To be continued.....