DOROTHY may have sung wistfully about it, and fantasists may chase it, but an Abergavenny man has made the outlandish claim that he has seen what’s on the other side of the rainbow, and it’s not pretty!

“It’s not ugly either!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “It’s just one of those strange kind of places where a person could lose their mind if they didn’t have their head screwed on. Lucky for me I’m not easily phased and thankfully Bob Dylan plucked me out of there before the infinity of it all got a bit too much!”

It may sound like the ravings of a drug-addled mind, but Mr Turnip insists his lived experience is for real.

“It all happened when I passed out in the alleyway in New York,” explained Turnip. “Dylan had put some kind of weird spell on me and I went under. The next thing you know I’m falling from these skies full of rainbows into an emerald green sea full of mermaids.

“Before I had time to draw a breath and brace myself for impact I grabbed onto a passing cloud, pulled myself onboard and it took me far from the ocean wriggling with mermaids to a meadow sandwiched between a forest and a river.

“My first thoughts were, ‘The grass isn’t always greener!’ Because in that place it was blue and the river was bright yellow, like gold!

“And then it dawned on me. I was on the other side of the rainbow - in the realms of the Tylwyth Teg. Or as Dylan and his weird mate had called them, the far-flung lands.”

Turnip explained, “As I dismounted my cloud and went for a walk in the bluegrass, I noticed that the birds in this place, which were all those flashy hummingbird jobs you don’t get in the UK, were all humming the melodies of songs by The Beatles.

“‘That’s where those scouse magpies got all their tunes from!’ I wondered out loud as huge diamonds began to appear in a sky that had changed to a strange shade of marmalade and a white rabbit in a top hat strolled casually by.

“I didn’t follow it though. That would be too predictable. I just snarled, ‘Cliche!’ At its furry back as it disappeared down a hole and went to say hello to this weird-looking little fella with a long beard and a cowboy hat who was crouching by the side of the river and getting all worked up about something.

“‘Howdy cowboy!’ I said, ‘Are you part of my hallucination or am I part of yours?'”

Turnip explained, “I kinda realised straight off that the old fella was a bit special because he was wearing dungarees, still I wasn’t prepared for his hysterical reaction to my presence.

“He took one look at me, shrieked like a banshee, fell to his knees, and started calling me ‘Canotila’ and pleading with me not to punish him for trying to steal the gold of the little tree dwellers.

“Playing along because I realised what he was seeing wasn’t me but something a little more supernatural and stern, I got my theatrical head on and said like some sort of mythical regal creature of old, ‘Your entreaties mean little to me mortal! Why should such avarice and deception go unpunished? You are but a trespasser in these fair lands and your very presence here taints them!’

“Looking at his fearful face, he seemed very familiar, and then it hit me. He was my ancestor Potato Creek Johnny and he was here looking for the fabled pot of fairy gold. I wasn’t having a vision I had traveled back in time and things were probably going to get a bit quantum!

“‘What year is it John Perrot?’ I commanded with all the authority of a fairy king as I looked down upon him imperiously!

Quivering because I knew his name, my great-great grandaddy or whatever he was whimpered, ‘It is 1898 and I am but a fool from the Black Hills of Dakota looking to make his fortune.’

“‘Well you’re from Abergavenny originally,’ I said, ‘And you should always remember your roots!’

“Trembling as he obviously contemplated the sheer magnitude of my all-knowing power, I sighed like I imagined a fantastical being weighed down by the magnitude of its own magic might, and seemingly being directed by an agency other than my own, pointed to his gold pan and bucket and said, ‘Dip that into the river as many times as it takes to fill that bucket and you’ll have enough fairy gold to one day bring magic back to the world. In a land of materialistic values and parasitic greed, it’ll appear as dust and be considered worthless, but its true value will remain priceless.’

“Keen to do my bidding unless I turned him into a turtle or something, Potato Creek Johnny filled the bucket with gold dust and I said to him, ‘Now leave these lands cowboy, via the same tunnel you no doubt entered. Tell no one of what occurred today except your own kin. Especially Tricky Turnip and your son Taffy back in the old country. You must hide the pot somewhere safe, but don’t tell anyone where because loose lips sink ships and all that!

“‘One day, your ancestor, a great warrior and leader of men named Johnny Turnip will travel to America in search of the gold and use it to bring magic back to the world and make it great again.

“‘Now go Johnny go!’ I roared as my ancestor, who looked a bit too hillbilly for my liking, fled the far-flung lands with the legendary pot.’”

Turnip told the Chronicle that as he gazed at a nearby butterfly flapping its wings, he mused on the fact that he had just interfered with timelines quite significantly and the consequences could be profound, but deciding he needed a cold lager after working so hard to manipulate fate his most urgent thoughts were how the hell could he get back to reality and the nearest pub?

As he hatched a plan of action, Turnip noticed a figure riding towards him on a penny farthing of all things.

He explained, “As the figure got closer I could see it was Bob Dylan but he was dressed like a regency dandy, with the white face paint, wig, and everything.

“‘How to JT?’ Dylan said as he took off his hat and jumped off the boneshaker. ‘I see you’ve made it to the other side of the rainbow in one piece. Now walk with me awhile. I have much to show you and little time to show you with,’ he said.”

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.