WE’VE all on occasion, awoken somewhere foul, freakish and fantastical. It could be Newport or just the in-laws, but not many of us can claim to have opened our eyes only to find we had been sleeping in a lair full of leprechauns.

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip can, and the experience has left scars that run both deep and wide.

“Like most people with an above-average IQ, I used to have a healthy contempt for leprechauns and their vile and insidious ways.” Explained Turnip.

“Behind the PR smokescreen of rainbows, pots of gold, and jolly little fellas with bushy beards in green tunics who are partial to a merry tipple, there’s a darker and more deranged truth.

“For example, not many people know now that leprechauns were once fairies who let materialism and insatiable appetites corrupt them. Nor, for that matter, is it widely known that they were once responsible for the mass slaughter of mermaids! And there’s only a handful of people who are aware how they’ve attempted to thwart me at every turn in my quest to find my ancestor Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of gold and restore magic to the world.

“However, after waking up in the belly of the beast, so to speak, I’ve had to modify the way I feel about the little folk. It’s come to my attention that we both have a common enemy in the rogue AI clown Peter Paleface, and the world’s only hope lies with us putting aside our differences and uniting the tribes to fight this diabolical threat that has neither a beating heart nor an eternal soul.”

Turnip told the Chronicle he had his epiphany after passing out in The Beaten Dog Tavern in Barstow.

“Obviously, the desert, the peyote, the booze, meeting Jim Morrison and hitching a ride with Old Father Time took its toll on my nervous system in ways I hadn’t considered.” Explained Turnip.

“According to the boys, not long after I lost consciousness, they picked me up off the floor and placed me on the pool table to sleep it off, while they carried on partying until they also inevitably passed out and collapsed in a pool of stale beer.

“From what I can gather, while we were sleeping it off, the leprechaun's head guy Greensleeves and his crew saw their chance to capture us. He told me later that they had been tracking our movements since we entered the desert and were waiting for the right time to make their play.

“While we were out for the count, they trussed us up like hogs ready for the roasting and bundled us into the back of a lorry and took us to their cave, which was buried deep somewhere in the bowels of the Hollywood Hills.”

Turnip added, “You can imagine our surprise when we came to. Not only were we bound and gagged in this weird cave decorated with thousands of cheap fairy lights, but we were surrounded by what I first thought were hobgoblins.

“Turns out it was just a gang of leprechauns without those stupid hats they wear. They must take them off when they’re kipping. I remember thinking, ‘Thank God that’s all they took off!’

“Anyhow, I started trying to shout through my gag. As did Big Tony, whose eyes were bulging at the indignity of it all. But the leprechauns just pointed and laughed. Until one of them pointed at Tyke all confused and said in his annoying sing-song voice, ‘Have we accidentally tied up one of our own?’

“‘No!’ Bellowed a voice that cracked like thunder from the back of the cave. ‘That’s just one of their screen idols. Admittedly, he’s diminutive and has something of a riddle about him, but he’s not of our kin. He’s as human as war and cruelty.’”

Turnip explained, “As we all turned in the direction of the voice, the biggest leprechaun you’ve ever seen came striding out of the shadows like some sort of colossus from a land before time.

“He was at least five feet tall and was well buff. But not in a gym bunny way, this little fella was all street fighter. I could tell straight away from the way he held himself and the no-nonsense glint in his eyes that this fella was Greensleeves. That and the fact that his sleeves were green.

“He was definitely a leprechaun, but with the exception of the sleeves of his jacket, he was all dressed in black. And his hair wasn’t red, it was black and trimmed quite short. But the most striking thing about him was that he wasn’t sporting one of those silly hipster beards like the rest of his kind, but rocking the sort of designer stubble we don’t really see outside of the 1990s. In a certain light, he kind of looked like George Michael, if George had been seriously hard and about a foot shorter.

“To cut a long story short, the guy definitely knew how to make an entrance.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after “the boss leprechaun had him and the boys untied”, they had to wait until Tom Cruise stopped hyperventilating and making all sort of crazy threats.

“I love Tyke like a brother!” Explained Turnip. “But he often finds it hard to differentiate between reality and the movies. He always thinks he has to play the hero and save the day. It got a bit embarrassing because when the gags came off, Big Tony, Puerto Rico Paul and me knew from being in similar situations, that when you’re outnumbered, outgunned, and in a cave full of hot heads with beards, drinking problems and height issues, it’s best to keep quiet and focus on gaining some tactical advantage.

“Tyke on the other hand, went all red-faced and began shouting stuff at the leprechauns about how he was going to rain merry hell down on their heads and wipe them off the face of earth. You know, standard Hollywood leading man retribution fantasies.

“The leprechauns just laughed, and who could blame them? Tyke was trussed up like a pig and screaming threats. It wasn’t a good look, and he was letting the team down. “Thankfully, a leprechaun waddled up to him and hit him repeatedly around the face with a dead fish. The shock of that was enough to shut him up, but it was more the humiliation. Especially because we all started laughing at the surreal slapstick of it all.

“‘It’s not like the movies is it Tom!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul gleefully as he almost choked on his own laughter.

“As we all shrieked uncontrollably and transcended our terrible situation with humour, Greensleeves silenced us with his booming and commanding voice when he roared, ‘No!’ And then, a lot more softly, now he had our attention, he said, ‘It’s not like the movies at all. We’re now on the same side and here’s why!

Turnip added, “What Greensleeves said next was something of a game changer!”