WE associate quantum physics with many things. And almost all of modern technology wouldn’t be possible without it. However, Abergavenny man Johnny Turnip blames it for ruining his New Year’s Eve.

“I doubt if any of your readers would understand what I mean by quantum entanglement or the self-consistency principle!” Explained the semi-professional paranormal investigator. “But if anyone does, they’d know exactly why my New Year’s Eve was ruined!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after disappearing into the Mojave desert and tripping on peyote with a time-travelling Jim Morrison, he hitched a ride to Hollywood with a guy claiming to be Old Father Time, and somewhere along the way missed the whole of Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

“There’s no way we were in the desert that long!” Explained Turnip. “Something quantum happened when we were in Old Father’s Time limo, and we fast-forwarded from 2025 into 2026 and missed at least a good couple of weeks.

“It was kind of annoying because after finding out that our meddling in the past had seen us accidentally stumble into the wrong timeline and that reality was slowly readjusting around us, we could have all done with a proper drink.

“We had cleared out the limo’s minibar, and we were all feeling a bit fraught at the though of spending the rest of our days as quantum nomads. Old Father Time had said he’d drop us at a decent bar he knew in a place called, funnily enough, Barstow, and we were looking forward to a proper session.

“We’d lost track of time, but Big Tony said he had a feeling it was Christmas, and New Year’s Eve was on the horizon. So, putting the fact that we might have never been born or existed in this timeline to one side, we were determined to end 2025 on a high. The only trouble is, quantum physics had denied us our big blowout.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “As the limo stopped outside a boozer called the ‘Beaten Dog Tavern’ and we were about to get out, Old Father Time said, ‘Good luck in your quest, marines. I hope you find the pot of gold and 2026 treats you well.’

“‘No point talking about 2026 until 2025 is done and dusted,’ quipped Big Tony.

“To which Old Father Time replied, ‘The old year is dead, friends. Has been for a couple of weeks now. It seems time passed elsewhere while you were getting high.’

“‘What the hell!” Screamed Puerto Rico Paul. ‘You mean we’ve missed out on both Christmas and New Year’s Eve?’

“‘The desert has a habit of taking from a man,’ said Old Father Time. ‘Be grateful it didn’t take more than a couple of weeks. It could have taken your minds. Quantum theory is a hell of a thing!’ He mused as he shook his head in wonder.

“‘You can stick your quantum theory where your sun doesn’t shine!’ Bellowed Big Tony. ‘I want my New Year’s Eve.’

“‘Time and tide wait for no man.’ Said Old Father Time solemnly. ‘Any new dawn is a thing of wonder. What difference does a day make?’

“As we all voiced our discontent at once like a chorus of angry and wronged feral cats, Tyke broke through the discordant noise by reasoning, ‘C’mon, guys! What difference does it really make? We’re alive, we’re reasonably sane, and there’s a bar over there. Let’s go have some fun and make our own New Year’s Eve. Screw this quantum stuff. Let’s go drink some moonshine!’”

Turnip explained that Tyke’s voice of reason brought them to their senses, and as they thanked the old man in the cowboy hat and red suit for the lift and bid him farewell, they made up their minds that the best thing to do for now was to get drunk and see what happened next.

Turnip said, “As we made our way into the bar and tried to grapple with the thought that we were now in the wrong reality, I wondered if that applied to Tyke as well? Would he still be a world-famous actor, or would he be superseded by this dimension’s version of himself?

“I could see he wasn’t overtly concerned by such metaphorical questions because he was rich, famous, and American, and believed too much thinking and reflection was bad for the soul, but Puerto Rico Paul was cut from a different cloth. When he began to sob softly, I knew something was up.

“‘In the heat of the moment, I put my arm gently across his shoulders and knew I had crossed a line by the way he stiffened and violently shrugged it off.

“‘Easy JT!’ He hissed. ‘This isn’t some sort of men’s mental health club. Just give me a minute, and I’ll be fine. This quantum timelines stuff is a lot to take on board, but a few cocktails and I’ll be as right as rain.’

“‘That’s the spirt!’ Boomed Big Tony from behind.

“‘Encouraged by the big fella’s gusto, I added, ‘Chin up Paul, Nothing’s too broke that it can’t be fixed. Everything’s now in the past. We’re all in the gutter, but the stars burn bright, hard, and eternal. Let’s go find our new horizon!”

“‘Let’s get wrecked!’ Screamed Tyke as he jumped high in the air and nearly drew level with our shoulders.

“And that’s exactly what we did!” Explained Turnip.

“We were pretty impressed by the Beaten Dog Tavern. It was one of those low-lit and dingy places for serious boozers. There were a handful of miserable and desperate-looking types propping up the bar which brought back fond memories of home.

“After going hard on the cocktails, we switched to beer and whiskey chasers, and Tyke started challenging people to pool

“To be fair to the little fella, he couldn’t half handle himself with the cue. He was taking all comers and leaving them breathless with his quality wrist action. Afterwards, he just winked and told me he had learned everything he knew from Paul Newman during the making of ‘The Colour of Money.’

“Things really got going when we attacked the Jukebox, and to our delight, they had a copy of ‘The Safety Dance’ by Men Without Hats on there. That’s always a floor filler.

“As the song erupted, Tyke started strutting around the place with a pool cue and using it like a cock rocker would a microphone, whilst Puerto Rico started throwing some serious New Romantic shapes.

“The last thing I remember as I necked my whiskey and marvelled at the resilient nature of my mates, was Big Tony jumping on the bar, taking his top off and swinging it around enthusiastically while pointing at me in that euphoric way of the desperately drunk. And then everything went full dark, no stars!

To be continued.......