AN Abergavenny man believes he could be lost in another timeline than the one he was born into.

Admittedly, we’ve all felt like strangers in a strange place at one time or another, but semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip believes he has accidentally ended up in the wrong reality.

“I feel like I’m living in one of the Marvel multiverse films," explained Turnip. “You know, the ones where the plot gets too complicated to follow and even the special effects aren’t enough to keep you engaged.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he thinks he might have stumbled through quantum time and space during his visit to the otherworldly realm he calls ‘The Far Flung Lands.’

“Some of your readers might know it as the realm of Faery, but I know it by its real name because I’m a supernatural seeker and know things most of you don’t,” explained Turnip.

“Anyhow, whilst there I bumped into my ancestor Potato Creek Johnny, and as far as he was concerned it was still 1898, and he was prospecting for gold.”

Turnip added, “What you have to understand is that being in the Far Flung Lands is a bit like tripping on peyote in the desert; time loses its meaning.

“To cut a long story short, I interacted with the old hillbilly in a way that, with the benefit of hindsight, I probably shouldn’t. I told him to fill his bucket with gold and hide it because one fine morning in the future, his ancestor from Wales, a great warrior and leader of men named Johnny Turnip, would visit America to claim it and bring magic back to the world.

“Thinking I was a God, the clueless old fella did what he was told. He would have done it anyway, but I just wanted to push him along a bit and stress the importance of my mission.

“The point is, in my enthusiasm, I think I unwittingly changed the course of history, and me, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul may have ended up in a timeline where we’ve never been born and shouldn’t exist, if that makes sense?”

Turnip added, “Of course, this may just be a stray residue of the peyote poisoning my mind against me, but it was Old Father Time himself who gave us the fear in the first place.”

Turnip explained that after hitching a ride out of the desert with a weird pensioner who was dressed as a cowboy and called himself the personification of past, present and future, things took a bit of a cosmic turn.

“He told us he was the living embodiment of time, and we had no reason to doubt him,” explained Turnip.

“We were a bit sceptical at first because he had a leathery and lived in face. I mean, if you’re going to be the physical personification of time itself, surely you can take any form you want. Why choose to look like one of those dodgy silver surfer types that hang around Las Vegas when you could look like James Dean?

“However, because he was wearing a red suit, snakeskin boots and a cowboy hat, we could see he had style, and at the end of the day, it wouldn’t do for Old Father Time to look like a fresh-faced hopeful.

“The dude’s got history, and he wasn’t afraid to wear it. You should have seen how bloodshot the old coot’s watery eyes were. Anyhow, the point was, he explained, his encounter with us was no chance meeting. He heard we were looking for the pot of gold to bring magic back to this reality, but he warned us that by attempting to save the world, we may have made an enemy of our future.

“‘What the hell does that mean, you weird old bastard?’ Snapped Big Tony who has no time for cryptic talk.

“‘It’s simple, my straight shooting friend! Turnip here has broken a cardinal rule. He interfered directly with history, and that always has consequences.’

“The old timer elaborated by explaining, ‘When Turnip was in the Far Flung Lands, he spoke to his ancestor and by doing so changed the course of future events by the tiniest degree. But just like the flapping of a butterfly’s wings can cause a storm, Turnip’s brief encounter with his ancestor had a knock-on effect that cannot be quantified.”

“‘So what does that mean then?’ Said Big Tony, who has never been the sharpest tool in the box.

“‘It simply means that thanks to Turnip’s action, you are all in another timeline from the one before he visited the Far Flung Lands. Reality has been slowly readjusting around you since he returned, and your trip into the desert, where Turnip met Jim Morrison, and the rest of you had similar profound experiences, cemented the deal. You’ve come out the other side not just changed men, but into a changed reality. The life you had back in the place you call home will be altered dramatically when you return. In fact, you may find you never existed at all. You are destined to spend the rest of your days as strangers in a strange land.’

“‘Well, that’s a big bone to chew.’ Said Puerto Rico Paul, who was always a big fan of the understatement. ‘So what you’re saying is, we’re in an alternate reality where Abergavenny doesn’t exist?’

“‘Oh! It exists all right!’ Said Old Father Time. ‘Just not the version you knew, and you may find you never existed in it. You’re quantum nomads now, and there is no place in this universe you can call home.’

“‘So we’re like intergalactic gypsies?’ Asked Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘No!’ Said Old Father Time. ‘You’re just unlucky, and if you’re not careful, the gravitational pull of not belonging will tear your minds apart.

“‘So there’s no point in looking for Johnny’s pot anymore?’ Asked Big Tony.

“’ There’s every point!’ Snapped the old man suddenly. ‘This reality is as bereft of magic as the next. It could do with a short, sharp injection of otherworldly wonder. This dimension is almost identical to yours in every way except three, and that’s you, my merry musketeers. You don’t belong anywhere anymore, but then I don’t suppose you ever did. There’s no direction home for any of you. You’re finally free. My advice is to go for gold and see where it takes you.’”

Turnip explained, “As Big Tony started hyperventilating in terror, and Puerto Rico Paul picked up a bottle of whiskey from the limo’s mini bar and started necking it to block out the existential horror of being unreal, I looked at Tyke shadow boxing in his own private world and knew I had but one choice.

“I took a long, hard look at the face of time, squared my shoulders, puffed out my chest, lifted my chin, and said, ‘Game on, sucker!’”

To be continued......