AN Abergavenny man has made the outlandish claim that Old Father Time is more than a metaphor for the inevitable passing of hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, and centuries, and is actually a person.

“It was something of a shock to me as well!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “I’ve seen and done a lot of weird stuff in my time, but I never ever expected to be sitting in the back of a limo with an old dude in a cowboy cap who wasn’t even human but the personification of past, present and future.

“Coming so soon after the peyote trip, it almost threatened to derail me, but despite being an eternal being who had been around for a bit, he was quite a humble guy and liked a laugh. To be honest, I soon forgot I was talking to Father Time and just began to see him as one of those old guys you meet in the pub who has plenty of war stories. The only difference, I suppose, is that he’s a lot older than all those guys, and if you think about it in a quantum sense, a lot younger as well.

“The only trouble was, he told us something that threatened to torpedo our mission to find Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold. Since then, Big Tony has made repeated threats to abandon our quest and Puerto Rico Paul is choosing to stay extremely drunk and hoping reality will be different when he sobers up!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he and the boys ended up sharing a ride with Old Father Time after they finally made it out of the Mojave Desert.

“In hindsight, taking peyote in the wilderness wasn’t probably the best idea. But what can I say? Blame Tom Cruise! They were his drugs,” explained Turnip.

Still, it was nice to meet a time-travelling Jim Morrison, and I think we all learned a valuable lesson that day, and that is it’s probably best not to leave your house when you’re dabbling in premium-grade psychedelics. Still, you’ve got to measure the medicine to the man and not the man to the medicine, and there was no real harm done.

“That is, until we started hitchhiking and got picked up by some kindly stranger in a black limo.”

Turnip explained, “In hindsight, that sort of high prestige vehicle cruising through the wilderness should have got our spider senses tingling. The fact they were willing to pick up a gang of lads who looked every inch like they’d just been spat out the other side of a bad drug experience should have clued us up that something quite epic and cosmic was taking place, but we hadn’t slept or eaten for days and were a bit fraught!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after the long black limo pulled up, the door opened and from the neon emptiness inside, a voice as old as time said, “You fellas gonna stand there all day like plums waiting to be picked, or you gonna take a ride into the sun with a guy who’s been around the track more times than he cares to remember?”

Turnip said, “As we gratefully climbed in and felt the soft comfort of the luxury leather embrace our weary bones, we noticed that the only other occupant of the limo, apart from the driver who was hidden behind a mirrored screen, was this kind of short leather-faced looking guy, who reminded me a bit of the actor Ed Harris.

“He was wearing a bright red suit with a bootlace tie, a black cowboy hat, snakeskin boots, and was clutching a silver cane with what looked like the skull of a small cat perched on top.

“He sat opposite us and had these hard, cold eyes, like marbles, that seemed lit up from within by flickering flames, and when he talked, the world had a habit of listening.

“Not that he talked at first though. For ages, he just gazed at us as Bo Diddley’s ‘Who Do You Love’ blasted out of what was a mighty impressive stereo system.

“After the initial stand-off began to get a little strained, Tyke went to shake his hand and said, ‘Thanks for the lift, friend. We owe you one.’

“Like a rattlesnake in a room full of viruses, the old man pulled back his hand and warned, ‘Touch me stranger and you’ll crumble under the weight of centuries.’

“As a Hollywood royal who has grown accustomed to touching whoever he wants and getting thanked for it, Tyke was a bit shocked at the old man’s reaction. “Nevertheless, he handled it well, and just simply raised his hands and mouthed. ‘Ok!’ Like he was talking to a dangerous nutter. And to be fair, the old man was sending some serious ‘I don’t play in the same ballpark as anyone else’ vibes our way.

“As a man who had grown up around tweakers and was proud to call many of them his friends, I could sense by the admiring smile flickering on his lips that Puerto Rico Paul was beginning to develop some sort of kinship with the badly dressed old man.

“This was confirmed when Paul leaned forward and said, ‘Forgive my acquaintance’s impertinence, kind sir. He meant no harm by it. His ways are coarse, and he is a creature of the new world with all the vulgarity and lack of refinement that entails.’

“I had to put my hand on Tyke’s legs when Paul said this and whisper ‘Don’t be rash Tom’ because he needed restraining and was in danger of going all hot head and Top Gun on us.”

Turnip added, “I knew Paul’s game from old. He could be quite the charmer when it suited, and he was making sure the old guy didn’t feel the temptation to pull out a shotgun or attack us with a zombie knife.

“As it happened, the old guy seemed to warm to Paul and said, ‘I like you, son. You speak well, respect boundaries, and there is a lot of history that runs through you. In another timeline, you could have been the leader, but in this reality, that job falls to Mr Turnip.

“‘How the hell did you know my name?’ I said

“‘I know everything about you boys.’ He said. ‘In fact, I know everything that’s ever been or will ever be. I’m the man who passes through.’

“‘So what do they call you, cowboy?’ I said.

“He paused for a minute, looked at his boots and said, ‘I’m the ticking of the clock and the falling of the sun. The turning of the earth, the tyranny of numbers and the absolution of all.

“He then made some serious, non-nonsense eye contact and said, ‘The ancients used to call me Old Father Time, but you boys can call me Mr Time, or if you like, Papa!’”

To be continued….