AN Abergavenny man who claims he was forced to parachute from Tom Cruise’s private jet somewhere over the Atlantic, "swears down" that as he was free falling from the skies he saw the face of Donald Trump in the clouds.

“In hindsight, the adrenaline buzz of jumping near naked from a falling plane with Tom Cruise and the boys may have triggered some sort of psychotic episode,” admits semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“However, it did seem like Trump was in the sky and viewing me from the Oval Office with some sort of weird crystal ball thing. The whole thing only lasted a couple of minutes but he seemed to know exactly who I was and he was giving off strong Wizard of Oz vibes. But mostly he reminded me of Ming the Merciless in Flash Gordon.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after being smuggled into America on Tom Cruise’s private jet in search of a mythical pot of fairy gold, things took a turn for the worse when their jacuzzi party came to an abrupt end.

“We were partying in the bubbles when Tyke just appeared out of nowhere in his Top Gun flight suit. He was also in that wild-eyed manic state he sometimes adopts in movies. You could feel the plane falling fast and he started hurling these huge backpacks at us and screaming, ‘Abort guys! Abort!’ Just as Big Tony was muttering something about, 'Finally feeling alright again.'

Turnip added, “To make matters worse. Me, Puerto Rico Paul, and Big Tony were all naked except for our bathers. Plus we were all on the wrong side of a couple bottles of brandy. The last thing we felt like doing was jumping from a falling plane into the Atlantic with a Hollywood A-lister.”

Turnip explained that as Cruise quickly hurried them through a tutorial on how to put the parachutes on and when to pull the handle to activate it, he heard the Mission Impossible theme begin to ring out.

“I thought I was imagining it at first!” He explained. “And then I noticed Tyke had a Bluetooth speaker strapped to his waist and that’s where the music was coming from.

“‘What the hell you playing at Tyke?’ I screamed as the brutal reality of the situation we were in began to dawn on me.

“‘It’s just a bit of mood music to get us galvanised and keep our peckers up!’ Said Tyke merrily.

“‘Well, I’m more of a Jason Bourne man myself.” Said Puerto Rico Paul mischievously. ’The dude’s far more of a badass than Ethan Hunt. I mean, what sort of name is Ethan anyway?’

“Choosing to ignore Paul’s petulant behaviour and concentrate on the crisis at hand, Tyke took command of the situation like an old pro. He walked in a no-nonsense style to the aircraft hatch, and barked, ‘Ok Guys! On me!’

“As we shuffled awkwardly toward him wearing nothing but our swimming costumes and parachutes he got us to form a circle around him as he put Van Halen's 'Jump' on his speaker thing.

"As we all looked down and he looked up, he said, ‘On my word, we jump. We’ll fly for a bit and have a bit of fun, and then on my signal pull the handle and it’ll all be good.’”

Turnip explained, “Before I could ask, ‘But what about the co-pilot?’ Tyke pulled open the hatch, and shouted, ‘That’s right! I am dangerous!’ at no one in particular and was gone. Big Tony went to peer tentatively over the edge and was pushed hard in the back by Puerto Rico Paul.

“As we listened to the fat fella’s screams as he plummeted towards the ocean, Paul just turned to me with his back to the hatch, grabbed my straps, and shouted with tears in his eyes, ‘I’ve never told anyone this before JT. But I don’t think Paul McCartney is really my dad!’ And with that, he fell backward and took me with him into the void!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that as he soared through the air he noticed the plane rise again and was a bit confused, but the sight of Big Tony puking as he fell through the Heavens and Tyke doing these weird gymnastic moves in the air distracted him.

“Puerto Rico Paul seemed to be having a great time though and was screaming at the clouds about finally being a bird. As for me, I was more concerned about the ocean waiting patiently below and how cold, deep, and full of sharks it looked.”

Turnip added, “To distract myself from being torn to pieces by creatures of lesser intelligence, I started looking around at the clouds and that’s when I noticed Donald Trump!

“I wasn’t just seeing a likeness of the President’s face in the clouds, it was his face made out of clouds. He was looking at me in that weird focused way of his that reminds me of a bulldog chewing a wasp.

“He then turned his head to someone who must have been at his side and said in that peculiar sing-song voice, ‘So this is the chosen fairy guy? Don’t look like much to me. Where’s his suit? Limey son of a bitch needn’t think he can stroll in here and start empire building. I call the shots. This is the USA. You wanna play? You gotta pay the levy! Gotta pay those tariffs. And this guy doesn’t look like he got any cards. Gotta have the cards if you wanna play with the high-rollers!’”

Turnip explained, “At this point, I heard a sycophantic voice say to the right of Trump’s cloud face, ‘Damned right boss! You want me to send some of the boys around? Get a little rough house with these fool Brits?’

“‘Cool your jets JD!’ Said Trump. ‘This ain't the Sopranos! We gotta play the long game. All about the long game. Let’s keep our cards close and our enemies closer.'

“‘But what about our leprechaun overlords?’ Said the other voice. ‘They ordered us to take care of the fairy threat?’

“‘You let me worry about the shamrock boys!’ Said Trump. ‘You gotta pull those strings if you’re gonna be a puppet master. Gotta pull those strings and shake those puppets hard. Make them dance, make them sing, make them do all kinds of things.’”

Turnip explained, ‘Trump then did that sort of pouty expression he sometimes does and I could tell by the way his head was moving he was doing one of those unsettling dances of his. This seemed to go on for an eternity and then he just cooed, ‘There’s no real threat here. Just some Brit grifters on the make. Now let’s go play some golf and make up some new policies!’

“And with that the clouds evaporated, and I was snapped from my reverie by Tyke screaming, ‘For god’s sake JT pull the handle now, or the impact of the ocean will break every single bone in your body!'"

The Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is available now on Amazon.