AN Abergavenny man who claims he was flown to America in the private jet of a Hollywood A-lister and given half-a-million used dollars in a suitcase as a gift, has told the Chronicle his brief taste of the champagne lifestyle has left a bad taste in his mouth.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful Tom Cruise had the time and the means to smuggle me and boys into the States under the nose of the authorities. And the half-a-mill he gave us will come in handy," explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

"It’s just when we were above the clouds in Tyke’s hot tub, eating oysters, and drinking brandy, I felt a bit of a fraud.

“Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul got well into it though. They were like a couple of chancers who thought they had hit the big time. And when Tyke put on ‘Money Talks’ by AC/DC, Big Tony got so excited there suddenly seemed to be a lot more bubbles in the jacuzzi.”

Turnip added, “As those cretins started giggling, knocking back their drinks and singing along, an excitable Tyke started reenacting scenes from ‘Top-Gun’ in his y-fronts. It was all a bit too chavvy for me, so I just leaned back in the bubbles with my cigar and surveyed the scene like I was Tony Montana in ‘Scarface.’

“‘The world is not enough!’ I muttered out loud, feeling all sort of poetic and legendary.

“‘What’s that JT?’ Said Big Tony.

“‘Nothing you fat fool!’ I snapped.

“As he looked at me all sort of hurt and betrayed like the farmer’s favourite bull when he’s dropped off at the slaughterhouse instead of in a field full of bovine beauties, I just shook my head, closed my eyes and said, ‘Don’t worry about it Tone. I didn’t mean anything by it. You’re just a product of late-stage neo-liberal capitalism and have been programmed to chase the dollar since birth. Your base nature and limited intellect entail the illusory nature of money and the grotesque ugliness of status is your treadmill and you are but a beady-eyed little rodent condemned to that vicious merry-go-round until you collapse.

“‘As for me. I walk a higher path. The gold I seek is not that of man but that of the fair folk. Its purpose is not to seal any individual in a cocoon of great wealth, but to heal the world and sing a new song until everything is transfigured.’”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “After I had delivered what I thought was a pretty powerful speech, I turned to my audience and noticed they hadn’t heard a word I was saying. They had their heads underwater and were playing a game of who could hold their breath the longest. As it happened, Puerto Rico Paul won. He was under for well over five minutes but that’s only because he’s spent a lot of time in Porthcawl doing free diving.”

Turnip added, “Tyke wasn’t happy he lost. He does all his own stunts in the movies and that sort of thing wouldn’t have happened in ‘Mission Impossible!’

“His cheeks just went this weird crimson colour as Puerto Rico Paul started calling us all his bitches and shouting ‘Who the man?’ Over and over again in Tyke’s face, until the little fella had enough.

"He almost tripped over in his manic rush to get out of the hot tub, and as he awkwardly put on his unisex Kimono like an angry toddler he quickly said to the floor, ‘See you guys later. I’m going to the cock-pit to see how my co-pilot is coping with the turbulence.’

“‘Spineless thespian!’ Hissed Paul as Tyke left.

“‘Easy dickhead!’ I snarled. Cruise is our host and we wouldn’t be here without him. He’s a good man just a little competitive. The trick is to let him win from time to time and keep him happy. We need his largesse’

“As Paul just mouthed ‘Whatever’ and disappeared into the bubbles I looked at Big Tony who was clumsily trying to do a handstand underwater and wondered if our quest was doomed to failure before it had even begun.”

Turnip explained, “Ever since Nanny Annie ‘Horror-Show’ Turnip had told me that my ancestor was Wild West legend Potato Creek Johnny and he had hidden a pot of fairy gold somewhere in America for his descendant and namesake to find and heal the world, the job seemed simple enough. Head to the new world and find the bounty. Back in the day pirates used to do that sort of thing all the time.

“Even the little hiccup of having no passports or money didn’t deter us when we had a Hollywood legend on our team ready to smuggle us into the States and bankroll our operation.”

Turnip added, “Getting airlifted from the Mardy FC pitch by Tyke’s chopper was an epic experience. We felt like we were in the special forces being flown into enemy territory. Turns out we only got as far as a private airfield on the outskirts of Abergavenny where Tyke’s private jet was waiting to take us to New York.

“The Big Apple was Potato Creek Johnny’s first taste of America and we wanted to follow in his footsteps and look for any clues in our search for the fairy gold. Yet when the chopper touched down and we boarded the private jet it felt like a bit of an anti-climax.

“We were going to arrive in America like rich kid influencers rather than soldiers of fortune and it didn’t feel right.

“As we climbed up the flight steps and I looked longingly back at the chopper, I felt less like the Beatles on their way to conquer America and more like a dickhead on a private jet.”

Turnip explained, “As I sat in the jacuzzi and gulped my brandy, I looked out the window at the empty skies and realised this was all a test. If I ever had a chance of finding Potato Creek Johnny’s gold I had to ditch the Instagram lifestyle and embrace my inner cowboy.

“Tyke meant well but he was in danger of compromising my integrity with all his Hollywood nonsense. I was from the streets, not the hills. If I were to follow in a cowboy’s footsteps, I had to think like a cowboy and become the cowboy. This jet-set lifestyle was not only boring it was making me less of a man. My ancestor didn’t arrive in America with all the trappings of a rich man. He was a penniless immigrant!

“As soon as this big bird landed I made up my mind to ditch all the excess baggage and hit the trail hard. As Jon Bon once said, an old coat will be my pillow and the earth will be my bed.

"No sooner had I settled on a course of action, than my thoughts were interrupted by the plane suddenly dropping and the sudden arrival of Tyke throwing parachutes at us and shouting that we needed to put them on and fast.

"'The engines are blown and we're heading into the Atlantic' he screamed. 'We need to bail!'"

To be continued.....