TIME travel may just be an outlandish theory to some and a workable plot device to others, but for one Abergavenny man, it’s a concrete reality.

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip has made the outlandish claim that he’s been blessed with a glimpse of an unnerving future.

Turnip told the Chronicle, “You don’t just have to take my word for it, Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony were with me every step of the way as we waded through the time/space continuum like a couple of doughnuts slowly swimming through a river of treacle.

“However, after we returned to the present, the boys dismissed the whole thing as a side effect of the DMT we had taken.”

Turnip said, “That’s always been their trouble. They lack imagination! Rather than open their minds a little and admit that time travel is possible and that we had achieved it, they opted for the safer, more conservative explanation that we had temporarily lost our wits to an extremely powerful hallucinogen.

“It’s disappointing, it really is. After spending a year in the States and operating like deep state operatives in a supernatural underworld, you’d think the boys would be a little more open to the idea of wormholes, closed timeline curves, and cosmic strings, but no! It’s all, ‘It must be the drugs!’ With those boys.

“As I said, they lack the vision to see that by our very actions we have disproved Stephen Hawking’s Chronology Protection Conjecture. Although the Grandfather Paradox, the Many Worlds Interpretation theory, and the Novikov Self-Consistency Principle may still hold some weight, we have shown the world that the impossible is possible, and we didn’t even need a Tardis.”

Turnip explained that their time-travelling adventures began in the private jet, not long after they had taken their first dose of DMT.

“As the pilot announced we were approaching Wales, we decided to celebrate by doing some drugs. We’re no strangers to shrooms, but this DMT stuff was not just a different ballpark, it was a different league with rules we could never hope to understand.”

Turnip said, “It started with the bells! They were loud, high-pitched, and strangely beautiful. The only thing is, Puerto Rico Paul instantly started to freak out and jeopardise the harmony of the group think.

“‘He suddenly grabbed me and thrust his face against mine before screaming, ‘For whom the bells toll JT! They toll from me!’ Seeing the panic rise in his eyes like floodwater, I slapped him around the face hard and yelled, ‘Hold it together, lad, and stand fast. You’ve been here before. It’s just a little ego death. Don’t swim against the tide, go with it and follow Big Tony downriver.’

“As I instructed Paul like a battle-handed psychedelic pilot talking to a fresh-faced rookie on how to manoeuvre in the chemical skies, I noticed Big Tony had gone all zen-like and had started to resemble one of those Buddha statues.

“Not long after, gravity was removed from the equation, and I began to float towards the roof of the plane like a discarded crisp packet blown by a gale.

“As I gently hit the roof like the astronauts do in their space shuttles, Paul looked up and said, ‘What you doing up there JT?’

“‘Am I up high or are you just down low?’ I mused. And then Paul smiled, and reality seemed to smile with him. Or should I say, the atoms in my immediate orbit began to fracture, dissolve, and rearrange themselves in new and indecipherable patterns. Nothing was concrete anymore. All was flux. The interior of the plane, our bodies, our minds, and the plane itself had lost any sense of structure or self.

“We were swirling around in the cosmos like a mixture of those technicolor glass beads, glitter, and sand you see in a kaleidoscope. As each pattern was formed, it collapsed and gave birth to another, more glorious creation.

“We were all mixed up, and it was great! We could have probably existed in that state forever, but the roar of the sea crashing against the shore brought us home.”

Turnip added, “It was weird, but for the briefest of seconds, I felt like a grain of sand being washed up on the shore, and it didn’t bother me that I had no arms, legs, mouth, or mind to call my own. I was just a part of everything, and it felt right, but then I took a breath, became aware of my lungs, and instantly felt like I was drowning. The panic set in.

“Luckily, before I lost myself in a frenzied and frothing at the mouth whitey, I opened my eyes and found I was back in my plane seat sandwiched between Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul.

“All was calm, and all was still. We were just sat there with idiotic smiles on our faces as the shapeless and faceless blue figures told us the history of everything that was, will be, and is.

“Don’t ask me how they communicated with us, because they didn’t have mouths or eyes. They were like badly made human-sized puppets that even Fraggle Rock would have rejected, but they gave off this vibe of immense wisdom and love.

“They referred to themselves as the gurus and said that while we had taken leave of our senses, they wanted to show us the nature of everything, and they did. And we understood, and for the first time in our lives we knew a great and abiding peace.

“With lights and colours we have never seen, they showed us how simple everything really is, and as me and the boys communicated telepathically with one another, we made a pact to hold on to the secrets that were revealed to us and the knowledge we had gained.

“Yet, we knew deep down that keeping such things in the human mind would be like trying to collect the entire sea in a sieve. We would forever know it in our souls, but our brains would not be able to compute.

“And before we could ask the blue people what had happened to their faces, they disappeared, and suddenly, me and the boys were in a plane, feeling patients collectively awaking from a fever and eyeballing one another suspiciously as if to ask, ‘Are you real?’

As normality slowly returned, we all took a breath, and Puerto Rico Paul sighed, ‘Well, that was some trip!”

“‘No doubt about it!’ I replied. And as I looked out the window to take in the sights and regain some normality I caught my first glimpse of the UFO!”

To be continued…