AN Abergavenny man has made the unusual claim that none other than US President Donald Trump has been monitoring his activities.

It’s doubtful if America’s Commander-in-Chief has even heard of Abergavenny, let alone profess an obsessive interest in an individual who hails from the small Welsh market town.

However, semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip insists he has it on good authority that Trump’s Secret Services have a file on him, “and it’s pretty damned thick!”

“It sounds insane, I know!” Explained Turnip. “And I didn’t believe it at first when Abraham Lincoln told me, but on reflection, it kind of makes sense when you consider the magnanimity of what me and the boys are planning.”

Turnip claims that he was given the “crazy news” following an out-of-body experience in what he calls the “far-flung lands.”

He claims he was returned to his body after traveling through the astral realms with his spirit guide Bob Dylan on a flying canal barge piloted by a pirate called Captain Moon.

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Cosmically projecting your way through the ether on a canal barge is one hell of a trip, especially with Moony behind the tiller. He’s a man after my heart and a firm advocate of the go hard or go home philosophy.

“Anyhow, as the barge soared through the stars of another dimension, powered by two parrots named Cobwebs and Strange, we effortlessly broke through the flimsy fabric that separates one reality from another and as we soared high over Manhattan, Moony shouted, ‘Jump now you bastards or your minds will be ripped to shreds by the process of too much reality hopping!’

“As I was about to question the logic of jumping from a flying canal barge into a densely built up area of steel and concrete, Dylan tossed me out of the boat like I was nothing more than a pocket of slop and the next thing I knew, my soul was filling my body, a bit like lager does when poured into a pint glass."

Turnip added, “I could feel the essential energy of me filling every part of my mortal frame from my nose to my toes. As spirit puffed out substance like blowing up a balloon, I had a terrible sense of claustrophobia and being imprisoned in a constricting flesh tomb. I was about to go into a full-blown panic attack when I heard Puerto Rico Paul ask Big Tony with a snigger, ‘Why’s he shaking on the floor like that. Is he having a dose of the DTs or is he just looking for attention?’

“As my raging anger at wanting to slap Paul and the crippling anxiety of not being able to control my body fought for dominance, I heard the unmistakable drawl of my spirit guide Bob Dylan say, ‘It’s no joke, Paul. His body is going into reality withdrawal.’

“‘What the hell is reality withdrawal?’ I heard Big Tony ask.

“‘It’s what happens to a person untrained in the art of inter-dimensional travel when they suddenly switch between realities. Usually, it’s the mind that collapses under the weight of the experience, but Turnip’s mind is like a steel trap. It’s his body that’s struggling to cope with the adjustment. It’s a bit like jet lag but on a much more metaphysical level.’

“As I continued to spasmodically twitch on the floor like an over-enthusiastic raver in the early nineties, I heard Dylan add indifferently, ‘He’ll probably keep rattling and rolling like that until he passes out, and then I’m afraid his fate’s in the lap of the gods.’”

Turnip explained, “I attempted to say, ‘Thanks for nothing dickhead! And by the way, you’re a crap harmonica player!’ But it just came out as a sort of tormented wail, like I was in the seventh circle of hell or something and being tormented by a particularly focused demon.

“I heard Big Tony exclaim to Dylan, “But he hasn’t been anywhere? One minute he’s upright and chatty, and then the next minute you click your fingers and he’s on the floor writhing like a lunatic.

“‘First rule of the fairy realms!’ Said Dylan impatiently. ‘Time flows differently there. A few seconds here can be a lifetime in the land of the Tylwyth Teg. It’s all about perspective.’

“‘The times they are a-changin’ Said Puerto Rico Paul wistfully. Before puffing on a cigarette and adding, ‘Still! It could be worse. I once knew a man who got 12 months for stealing a calendar!’

“Ignoring Paul’s lame attempt at humour, Dylan murmured, ‘Your friend Turnip has had an OBE and that changes everything!’

“‘When the hell did that happen?’ Yelled Big Tony suddenly. ‘No wonder he’s excitable and gone into a seizure. Who would have thought JT would ever get an invite to the Palace? What a result for a boy from the Mardy. I wonder if he’ll let me be his plus one?’

“Realising that the big oaf thought that I was in line for an Order of the British Empire medal and not reeling from the effects of an out-of-body experience, I tried to snarl, ‘You absolute bell end!’ But it just came out like an anguished plea from the depths.

“And just as I started a new round shaking like I was a bowl of jelly at a breakdancing party, I heard an unfamiliar voice say with the authority of ages announce, ‘This ends now!

“And funnily enough, it did!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that as he opened his one eye, he saw the impossibly tall figure with the big stovepipe hat and the weird beard looking down on him as Dylan said, ’Nice work, Abe!’

“‘How’d you do that?’ I asked.

“‘The power of high office is no mere trifle!’ Said the tall guy with a voice that, for some reason, reminded me of oak.

“‘I commanded you to stop. You did. It’s a case of mind over matter, but sometimes the mind needs to be cajoled, whether by carrot, stick, or world leaders of time past.’

“‘Meet the 16th President of the United States fellas,’ Said Bob Dylan wheezily. ‘Mr Abraham Lincoln. Or Abe as he likes to be known.’

“‘I thought you were dead!’ Assassinated in a theatre!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘Ever heard of block theory?’ Asked Abe.

As we looked at each other sheepishly and sort of shook our heads as if we were back in school with a teacher that didn’t take no mess, Abe said, ‘Alive, dead, here, now, then, past, present, it makes no difference in a universe that exists within a single, unchanging four-dimensional block.’

“‘Cosmic!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul. More to fill up the expectant silence than to demonstrate his understanding of the quantum level stuff Abe was going on about.

“ Look it up!’ Said Abe. He then pointed one of his long skeletal arms at me and said, ‘As for you. You should know that which hunts you.’

“It was then he told me about Trump monitoring my activities, and everything became crystal.”

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.