OpenAI chief executive Sam Altman once joked, “AI will probably most likely lead to the end of the world.” Yet for one Abergavenny man, the ‘joke’s deadly serious and he believes that the computers are already plotting our downfall.

“My suspicions were first aroused when Mike, our job coach turned out to be a robot,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Because I have a good nose for these sorts of things I kind of guessed he was a cyborg but when he taunted Fast Eddie about not being tall enough to be a Brad Pitt stunt double, his actions confirmed it.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Although he’s not technically a dwarf, Fast Eddie is under five foot and has something of the pygmy about his person. It’s something we never acknowledge or mention because we’re not blind bigots like Mike the job coach.

“The robot may have thought it was funny to laugh at Fast Eddie’s fantasy of being a Hollywood stunt man but he would rue the day he questioned our friend’s height. Although Fast Eddie’s diminutive he’s a ferocious scrapper with a quick temper and even quicker moves.

“Only trouble was, Eddie is only flesh and blood and no match for quantum steel and microchip reactions!”

Turnip explained that when Fast Eddie charged at Mike his flying head-butt was brutally dealt with when the job coach caught him effortlessly in mid-air and slammed him to the ground.

“It was some sort of kung-fu move but with an AI edge. A bit like something you’d have seen in ’Mortal Combat’ or ‘Streets of Rage’ back in the day” explained Turnip.

“As we gazed in wonder at our friend lying gasping on the floor we realised that Mike must have super machine strength like RoboCop.

“The job coach just stood there grinning his cold machine smile and said, ‘Should have warned you, lads, I’m a black belt. So let’s have no more nonsense, shall we? I’m here to help.'

Turnip added, “Mike offered his hand to Fast Eddie, but being bested by a robot was too much for the little man to take and he just stormed out of there all red-faced and undignified like a scolded dog.

“After gloating for a bit Mike turned to the rest of us and said, ‘I should warn you, lads, if you leave before you’ve completed the course, or found gainful employment, your benefits will be stopped. There’ll be no second chances!’

“‘I know what you are Mike! You’re a mechanical man!’ I snapped.

“‘My background is in sales, not the automotive industry’ replied Mike pretending to be all confused.

“Take a hike, Mike, you know what I’m talking about. You want to harvest our minds for your AI overlords, so you can clone us before using our brains to generate electricity for the machines.’”

“To his credit, Mike looked a bit concerned when I said this, and acting all caring he sort of ushered me into a corner and said to me in a whispered voice, ‘I’m not sure what you’re going through Johnny, but we can get you help for whatever it is.’

“‘For a moment I looked deep into Mike’s eyes and saw something in there that looked genuinely compassionate, but then I came to my senses and realised the machine was trying to manipulate me.

"‘Nice try!’ I roared. ‘But we’re out of here! C’mon boys!’ I shouted to Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul.’

“As we marched to the door, kicking chairs and tea cups over, Mike once again pleaded, ‘Please lads. This isn’t the way. You’re long-term unemployed for a reason. Where will quitting the program lead?’

“‘To the pub!’ Smirked Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘Do you really think blocking everything out through alcohol helps’ Asked the robot as it adopted a daytime TV concerned host face.

“Puerto Rico Paul came to an abrupt halt, put his head to one side as if deep in thought, and said, ‘I could have done a lot worse than sit in Skid Row drinking wine. To know that nothing really matters after all. To know there’s no real difference between the rich and the poor. To know that eternity is neither drunk nor sober, to know it young and to be a poet.’

“‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Asked the robot.

“‘It’s not supposed to mean anything,’ replied Paul, ‘It’s a poem by Jack Kerouac which romanticises our outlaw lifestyle. No doubt your AI overlords will one day gobble it up and spit it back out, minus the humanity, on some distant social media platform, but until then, we intend to live in the sun, drink cold beer, and continue to sit and wonder. Now do one Mike!’

“‘Yeah!” I roared. ‘You can stick your singularity up your ass! The revolution won’t be computerised!’

“As the robot sadly shook his head at what he at last realised was a lost cause, we high-fived one another, gave the finger to the Newport jailbirds who were still skulking around job club and looking in dumbstruck awe at how Monmouthshire men handled a situation, and got the hell out of dodge!’”

Turnip told the Chronicle that three hours and six pints later, the boys were sat in a Newport pub considering their future employment prospects.

“Big Tony was ruining the triumphant mood and getting all morose about how he was feeling too old for the grunt and groan of the building game and needed a get-out-of-jail for free card,” Explained Turnip.

“Puerto Rico Paul then joined the pity party by revealing that his Simon LeBon tribute act just wasn’t the crowd-puller it once was.

"‘Harry Styles impersonators have pretty much killed the demand,’ lamented Paul. ‘They’re a real hit with the bingo ladies'market!

“He shook his head and asked, ‘How can a man of my pedigree and vintage compete with that! It looks like the gig’s up JT!’ He sighed while looking at me tearfully and pleading, ‘What can I do? What can I do?' Over and over again,

“‘You can be a man!’ I roared, before adding, more kindly, ‘I have a plan boys, and a vision that’ll allow us to make a lot of money doing what we love.

“‘Drinking!’ Said Big Tony hopefully.

“‘That’ll just be a part of it, big man.’ I reassured him.

“‘If it’s content creation, social media consultation, a photography agency, or if it involves us opening up our own coffee shop and baking artisan cakes, I’d rather you hack me to death with a shovel now JT,’ Said Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘Please Paul. A little faith. What I’m planning is way bigger. Now listen carefully….’”

To be continued….