THE Monmouthshire and Brecon Canal is many things. A legacy from the time when Wales was an industrial powerhouse, an awe-inspiring piece of engineering, and a tranquil and inspiring escape for boaters, walkers, cyclists and anyone else seeking a bit of refuge from the madness of crowds.

However, it’s never been described as being home to anything weirder than a few fish, the occasional heron and some boisterous gangs of ducks.

Until now!

An Abergavenny man claims that the Mon and Brec Canal is actually home to “something big, otherworldly, and monstrous.”

Johnny Turnip, who lists his occupation as a “semi-professional time traveller,” claims that within the canal’s untroubled and relatively shallow waters there lies an “ancient and unfathomable creature” that could very well become Wales’s answer to the Loch Ness monster.

The only trouble is, he has no proof to verify his claim. Not even a moody-looking photo of something shadowy and colossal moving through the water by Bridge 111.

He does, however, insist that after falling in the canal and coming face to face with “something that exists beyond all words and comprehension,” he has firsthand experience of “the beast below.”

“I don’t set out to have supernatural experiences!” Explained Turnip.

“They seek me out and I have no say in it. It’s a bit like how the darkness can only see the light and the light can only see darkness. Well, think of me as the light and you’ll come close to an understanding of my predicament.

“To paraphrase Shakespeare, ‘Some are born weird, some achieve weirdness, and some have weirdness thrust upon ‘em.’ Well, that’s me! I’ve got no choice but to roll with the punches and stay in the game.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after returning from a year in America where he claims he was on a secret mission to save the world from AI, coming back to “sleepy old Abergavenny” was a bit of an anti-climax.

Turnip explained, “To be honest for weeks now I’ve been at a bit of a loose end. Getting lost in a time-warp on the flight back gave me a new direction in life. But what’s the good in being a semi-professional time-traveller if you haven’t got a time machine?

“I’m like a digger without a ditch! Big Tony’s gone back to plastering walls for a living and Puerto Rico Paul’s making a few quid up the valleys out of his Simon LeBon tribute act. He’s a bit disgruntled that he’s never made a name for himself as a live performer in Monmouthshire, but his day will come. He’s trying to organise a Duran Duran day at Abergavenny Castle. Wether he’ll pull it off or not, I don’t know, but the important thing is he’s a man with a plan and in his own way, a visionary. You’ve got to keep your hand in otherwise you’ll end up slumped in front of the TV, filling in benefit claims and having anxiety attacks. And I’ll tell you something for nowt. This Turnip ain’t going out like that!”

Turnip added, “As for me, I had a word with Julius Geezer about renting one of shops in town and starting up my old Paranormal Research company, Strangers In The Night.

“Julius said he’d love to help me but all his properties have been rented by a Turkish barbershop consortium. So that was the end of that.

“I have asked my nephew Salty, to put together a dynamic Facebook page to attract all those looking for help with the supernatural, and so we’ll see how that pans out. According to his peers and his mum, Salty is quite tech-minded, but to me he comes across as a bit dense and dim-witted. But that could be just a Gen Z thing. He’s very autistic and a natural with social media.

“Anyhow, time-travel is my thing now and I want to slowly move away from the supernatural, but you’ve got to do what it takes to keep the lights on and food on the table. So in the meantime if there’s any vampires than need hunting or werewolves that need flushing out, I’m your man. Having said that Strangers In The Night will probably be just a sideline for me from now on in as I look to build a time machine.”

Turnip explained, that in-between reading up on how to make time-travel a possibility and waiting for the phone to ring he decided to take ‘El Bastardo’ for a ride and that’s how he met the creature from the Mon and Brec!

“El Bastardo is the name of my folding bike. It’s not one of those girly types though. It’s a Montague Paratrooper, that was purpose built for US Marines to jump out of planes and cross enemy terrain on. My old mucker Jon Bon Bowen works in the business and he got me a sweet deal!

“I christened her El Bastardo because she’s a bitch to ride, but as I only take her out about three times a year for a leisurely canal jaunt, she suits my purposes just fine.

“Anyhow, during last week’s heatwave I thought I’d take her for a spin to Talybont and back. I refuse to wear lycra, but because of the temperatures I opted go topless and wore only a classic pair of 1980s silky football shorts, some trusty flip-flops and aviator shades to protect my eyes.

“Roaring down the Hereford Road was a breeze but as I grunted and groaned my way up the old railway line from Llanfoist to Govilon it dawned on me how unfit I was.

“After stopping off at the shop in Govilon for a couple of cheeky cans of Stella and a crafty fag, I got on the canal and it was all plain sailing. At least it was until I got just past Crickhowell and this guy in high-vis waved me down and shouted something along the lines of, ‘Slow down! They’re filming up ahead!’

“As I roared past in the way of the no-nonsense cyclist and mouthed obscenities at the disgruntled pedestrian for trying to ruin the glory of my ride, I soared like a free bird around the bend and had to slam on the brakes.

“Turns out the guy wasn’t some random nutter who walked the towpath daily and created outrageous fabrications to lose himself in. “He actually worked for the BBC and up ahead there was a film crew blocking the towpath, whose publicly funded and dramatic antics nearly proved the death of me!”

To be continued….