THE unveiling of the new “Doctor Who” is always a big occasion, and the Chronicle can proudly reveal the new time-lord is an Abergavenny man.

However, there is a caveat.

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip is not an actor playing at a time-traveller, he’s the real deal.

Or at least he said he is.

“I’ve never actually liked Doctor Who!” Explained Turnip.

“He’s always been a bit twee for my liking, and I’ve never trusted men who wear colourful scarves and long coats.

“Flying around in the universe in a blue telephone box always seemed to be a bit childish for my liking. And the Daleks were always a bit too lame to be scary. The theme tune is cool, but that’s as far as it goes.

“Having said that, I was always a bit envious of his ability to time-travel. And after having been to the future and returned in one piece, I’ve done something that no actor who has played Doctor Who has ever done - travel through time.”

Turnip added, “Being a time traveller is not something I asked for, but it’s a role that has been thrust upon me. How can I refuse what the hand of fate has decided for me?”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he became aware of his true calling after he accidentally travelled to the future in a private jet to a time where extraterrestrials in UFOs were fighting dragons.

“It was a bit of a trip, I can tell you!” Explained Turnip. “One minute we were flying back to Penpergwm from Salt Lake City, dosed up on fatigue and DMT, and the next minute we had entered some sort of black hole and been spat out the other side where all kinds of madness was kicking off!

“There were also what appeared to be a giant statue of Keir Starmer, who was spitting obscenities at us and had used some diabolical power to trap our aircraft in a weird magnetic field that was preventing us from moving in either direction.

“I remember saying to Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony, ‘If this is what the future looks like, it ain’t pretty.’ A lesser mind might have thought it was simply a vision conjured up by the DMT we had taken earlier that trip, but I knew in my bones it was something else. It was something real. A warning of what could come to pass if I didn’t accept my destiny.

“Still, the biggest part of me was thrilled to realise that time-traveling was a real possibility.

“I didn’t know how it had happened, all I knew was that it had, and it was a talent I definitely wanted to explore further, but first I had to get back to our time, and the only way to do that was to force the giant statue to blow us up with a thunderbolt.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that although his plan might have sounded crazy to people with no real understanding of quantum physics, he did the calculations in his head and summarised that the fireball would hit the magnetic field before it hit the aircraft and the force of that alone would be enough to create a new black hole which would suck all time, space, and hopefully their aircraft in to the vacuum and hopefully return them to their own time.

“It was a gamble!’” Explained Turnip. “And a bit kamikaze! But he who dares wins and all that.”

Turnip added that after taunting the Starmer statue with an imaginative and unspeakable wealth of insults, it eventually lost its cool and fired a laser beam at them from its eyes.

“The boys were a bit nervous when the fireball came hurtling our way, but they don’t have an instinctive understanding of chaos theory like me, and so I just smiled at the statue and whispered, ‘Is that all you’ve got, big boy?’ And then we exploded.”

Turnip explained, “I’ve never been blown up before, and although technically we weren’t, it was still pretty rad. One minute, the whole world seemed to be on fire, and the next, there was a loud woosh sound followed by an ear-cracking pop, and it felt as if the flesh was being stripped from my bones. I didn’t have any visions, but I do remember seeing a lot of stars, and the next minute we were coming into land over Penpergwm.”

Turnip added, “We had made it back to the present, and we were intact. I looked over at the boys, and I could see they were thinking what I was thinking, which wasn’t a lot, except the general thought that we had gone boldly where no man had gone before. We had saved the world and travelled through time. It was exhilarating but tiring. So the first thing we did when we landed was to get a taxi back to mine for some chicken dippers and a bit of shut eye.”

Turnip explained that travelling through time had left them all a bit wired.

“I was knackered for weeks after. It was like I had run a marathon or something. Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul were reluctant to believe what had really happened at first, but those two don’t like to think outside of the box and would prefer to believe it was the effects of some hallucinogenic than see it for what it really is. A brave new frontier has opened up for us, and if we can find the tools to explore it at will, anything is possible.”

Turnip added, “I see now all my life has been heading in this direction. The future, present, and past have little meaning for me now. I’ll stride through them all like some sort of colossus who has broken free from the tyranny of the clock face.

“The horror of hours, the march of minutes, the delirium of days, and the wasted seconds are no more. From this day on, I am no longer Johnny Turnip the semi-professional paranormal investigator, but Johnny Turnip the semi-professional time-traveller. I just need a time machine, and I’m good to go!”

To be continued....