Will a torch and a bottle of water be enough to survive doomsday?

AS Andy Burnham’s government valiantly strives to improve the nation’s mental health with warnings of the apocalypse to come while boosting the economy with another panic buying splurge, critics of their doomsday guide have suggested it’s about as much use as a chocolate teapot.

The grim survivalist checklist revealed by Labour Party survivalist Wes Streeting this week is part of the “Be Ready” campaign which urges citizens to be prepared for “increasingly sophisticated cyber-attacks” on businesses, or supply chain disruption caused by “hostile state actors or terrorists.”

Who are these “hostile state actors” and what exact threat do they pose?

Apart from hinting that the enemy might have a Russian accent, the government aren’t saying. They’re not revealing what they’re dong on there end either in terms of little things like boosting the defence budget, and saving money where they can, etc.

Instead they’re relying on the good old British public to fight the bogeyman and unknown menace with a few bottles of water, some canned meat, a wind-up battery radio, some loo roll and a couple of used banknotes.

At least three days' worth….

You don’t have to be an authority on apocalypses to know they last longer than three days.

We’ve all seen The Walking Dead and watched 28 Days Later as it became 28 Weeks Later and then 28 Years Later.

The point is extinction-level events take time to mature and really settle in. Three days is a blink of the eye in most doomsday scenarios.

So what good will a big bag of extra bog roll and a can of spam do when there’s Max Max style looters or an invading army at your door, really relishing their roles in the new world order and keen to cook and eat you?

Although quick to diffuse accusations of scaremongering, with the announcement that the government wants “people to be alert but not alarmed,” Streeting has done exactly that.

Supermarket shelves are already feeling the love, and the collective neurosis of the nation has just become that little more wired.

Besides which, as many people have pointed out, when the lights go out, the supply chains dry up and the taps are turned off, we’ve got bigger problems than a couple of ten pound notes, a torch from Temu, and some sparkling water can fix.

You’d think the Labour government would have plenty of important issues in the here and now to focus on as opposed to drawing up half-baked plans for a make-believe scenario, that just depresses an already downbeat and brow-beaten nation even more.

How about something tangible to lift our spirits? Rather than Wes Streeting telling us that ‘everyone needs to do their bit!”

Do the government even take its own advice seriously?

When asked last month what she would put in her emergency disaster pack, Angela Rayner said, “Mascara, concealer... I don't know, a bottle of sauvignon blanc.

“A tin of baked beans because you've got to have some baked beans. I like a good tin of custard as well.”

Sound advice for an overnight camping trip down the Gower, but for an extinction level event it lacks substance.

Yet they needn’t worry because if it all kicks off, that lot will have state-of-the-art and fully-equipped bunkers to ride it out in as we light a candle, open another tin of tuna and throw another tenner or insurance document on the fire.