The Chronic: It’s an honour to meet you, Mr Claus. Obviously, you need no introduction to our readers, but for the sake of convenience, what would you prefer to be called? Santa? Father Christmas? The Boss?

Santa: Nick!

The Chronic: Nick?

Santa: You gotta problem with that, pal? (For clarity, it might be wise to inform our readers that, for some reason, ‘Santa’ spoke in a strong New York accent and chain-smoked throughout the interview.

The Chronic: Nick seems a bit familiar for such a world famous figure.

Santa: Ever heard of Saint Nicholas? The fourth-century bishop known for secret gift-giving?

The Chronic: Nope!

Santa: That figures! The quality of journalism these days is shocking! Back when I was starting out in the gift-giving game, hacks used to know a lot about a lot; now they know even less about a little.

The Chronic: Ok! Nick! Let’s get the ball rolling. You’re known as the hardest-working man in mythology. What motivates you to keep doing what you do?

Santa: What kind of dumb ass question is that? I’ve been given a job to do, and I gotta do it. There ain’t no plan B, pal. I either deliver those presents or I cease to exist. What? You think there’s some sort of Universal Credit safety net or pension pot for guys like me? I’m on the front line, pal. While the world is sleeping, I’m out there visiting every god damned house on the planet to make sure they have something to celebrate come Christmas morning. It ain’t an easy gig, pal! Sure, you get the recognition and the satisfaction of a job well done, but at times I’d much rather be in the pub with the elves than eight miles high in the freezing cold and circumnavigating the globe! But as The Duke once said, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.”

The Chronic: In all the centuries you’ve been drawing up lists of who’s naughty and nice, and delivering presents, I bet you’ve seen some changes?

Santa: What kind of drivel you spouting now, pal? You’ve got a historical and world-famous figure in front of you. A figure who some people even doubt is real, and you come out with this lame nonsense? Is that the best you've got? Hold the front page, boys! We’ve got a real Pulitzer award winner right here! What do you want me to say? That nobody knows how to make mince pies anymore? The whiskey’s watered down? And those black screens you all stare into 24-7 have sucked the imagination clean out of you? You got one more chance to ask me a decent question, pal, or I’m whistling Rudolph, and we’re outta here!

The Chronic: Ok. What’s your favourite Christmas song?

Santa: That’s more like it, pal! I’ve always liked music, and a good Christmas playlist gets me through the night. As well as the more traditional tunes like Jingle Bells and Silent Night, I’m a big fan of bangers from the likes of The Pogues and The Flying Pickets. But the guy who really gets me is Dylan. His version of ‘Must Be Santa’ gives me goosebumps every time. Now, can we wrap this up, pal? I gotta fly!

The Chronic: No problem. Any last words?

Santa: Sure. BE NICE!