MAHATMA Gandhi once said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world,” and one Abergavenny man has wholeheartedly embraced that philosophy by becoming fast friends with his old enemy.

“If you told me this time last year I’d be best buddies with a leprechaun, I’d say you were away with the fairies,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“But after chatting to the boss leper, I’ve realised teaming up with the little fellas is the only way to save the world from the diabolical threat of AI.

“At first, I was reluctant to form an alliance with a tribe of little folk who’ve got the blood of butchered mermaids all over their grasping little sausage fingers, but it’s for the greater good. And if you want real change, sometimes you’ve got to put your supernatural prejudices to one side and become a shining example to all.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after being kidnapped by the leprechauns, trussed up like pigs and taken to a dank cave in the bowels of the Hollywood Hills, the leprechauns’ chief, a fella named Greensleeves, told them both the world of mortals and the one of magic and myth was under threat from an artificially intelligent clown named Peter Paleface.

Turnip explained, “Greensleeves explained that the AI apocalypse is coming and it’s not going to be pretty for anything under the sun that has felt the wind on its face, or the rain on its head.

“Just to be awkward, I asked him, ‘What about fish?’ But he ignored me and said that everything in his world, like rainbows, unicorns, and talking owls, and everything in our world, like beer gardens and line dancing, would be destroyed by a soulless microchip that only knows how to imitate the pale shadows cast by the hand of infinite glory.

“‘The clown has no access to the universal mind.’ Screamed Greensleeves as he worked himself up into a bit of an incandescent rage. And he wasn’t talking about Ronald McDonald!

“‘But what can men do against such reckless hate?’ Asked Big Tony, who can be as dramatic as the most flamboyant queen when the mood takes him.

“‘Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them!” Urged Greensleeves, as I got a strong sense of deja vu.

“‘Ride where?’ Quizzed Puerto Rico Paul. Before adding, ‘And on what?’

“I told the boys to calm down because the leprechaun fella was merely being rhetorical to get our blood up. To which Greensleeves gave me a stern nod.

“‘Hold on a minute!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul. ‘I thought you lot had President Trump in your pocket! Why do you need the help of us bunch of handsome chancers if you’ve got the might of the US war machine at your disposal?’

“Greensleeves replied, ‘In the past, Trump has been a useful tool, but we’re playing for big boy stakes now. His world is built on AI, and the clown has infiltrated every last corner of it. This is not a war for territory, glory, power, conquest, or the savage glee; it’s a war to protect the angels who dance in moonbeams from being trampled into dust by the mechanical bull. If you have ever looked at the horizon and dreamed impossible things, then we have a duty to stand together and stand fast.’

“‘Pretty words!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul. But if you need our help, then it’s time to hand over Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold and let us do our thing.’”

Turnip explained, Greensleeves bashfully looked around the cave at a few of the other leprechauns, before sighing and saying, ‘We have the numbers but not the gold.’

“‘Wait a minute!’ I said. ‘Tyke had it on good information that you lot stole the pot from Jim Morrison’s Paris apartment after he died, but you just didn’t know how to utilise its magic because your hearts are dark and your ways are foul.’

“‘Easy.’ Growled Greensleeves. We have a truce.

“‘Truces can be broken!’ Barked Puerto Rico Paul, who has always been something of a self-sabotaging hot head.

“‘Patience Paul!’ I warned. ‘These fellas are now our friends. We need them to defeat the singularity. So let’s hear them out.’”

Turnip said, “Greensleeves took a deep breath and continued, ‘We had the pot, but it was no good to us, because as you know, our craven ways make it impossible for us to unleash the true power of fairy gold. We just want to use it to spend rather than heal. So we ended up selling it to the highest bidders on eBay.’

“‘What bidders?’ I asked.

“The John Perot Preservation Society. They’ve got the pot. They took it back to Deadwood somewhere.’

“I was about to say, ‘Great! Let’s saddle up the horses and ride out!’ When an eardrum-piercing siren went off. As I turned to look for the source of this infernal wail, I saw a tortoise with red eyes slowly waddling towards me.

“I pointed it and asked Greensleeves, ‘What the hell is that?’

“‘It’s the robotic tortoise we used to track you in the desert.’

“‘You used a computerised device to track us?’

“‘Yes.’ Said Greensleeves, still not understanding the implications of what he’d done.

“‘We’re on a digital detox for a reason, fool!’ I screamed. ‘That device will lead Peter Paleface and his AI army straight to our doorstep.

“‘At the name Peter Paleface, the tortoise stood on its hind legs, seemed to look at us smugly, and began to do a weird little dance. As the smirking gherkin pranced around the place like a fat ballerina with scaly legs and a shell on its back, it began to sing “Tiptoe Through The Tulips” by Tiny Tim, and I knew Peter Paleface was in the room.

“Without hesitating, Big Tony brought his size 12 down hard on the tortoise and kept stamping until it could dance or sing no more.

“As we collectively looked at the mangled mess of wire, circuits, and badly made tortoise, both leprechaun and man knew what we had to do.

“Addressing the cave full of creatures who gazed hopefully at me in the half light, I stood on a boulder, pointed at the tortoise, and roared, ‘We now know the scale of the evil that faces us. We cannot defeat it divided, but together, we have a chance. It may only be a fool’s chance, but that is all we need. Now, who is with me?

“As the leprechauns roared their allegiance to their Turnip King, I proudly looked on as Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul started throwing the little fellas playfully in the air in celebration of the final battle to come.

After nodding to Tyke, who was enviously watching the giggling leprechauns and patiently waiting his turn to be tossed, I gazed manfully at Greensleeves, and we exchanged the sort of knowing look of seasoned warriors and leaders of men and leprechauns everywhere.

“In knowing silence and slight, manful movements of our heads, we agreed let the troops have their moment because we were both more than aware of the horrors to come, but as John Wayne once said, 'Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.’

“Now all we needed was some horses, and we could hit the trail. To destiny and our salvation, or perhaps, our unmaking.”

To be continued….