AN Abergavenny man who is seeking to make a reboot of George Lucas’s 1977 classic sci-fi film ‘Star Wars - A New Hope’ decided that the Green Man Festival would be a great place to search for potential investors.

Johnny Turnip revealed last week that after the Welsh Assembly handed over £100,000 of taxpayer’s cash to finance the first-ever Welsh language dub of Star Wars, he decided to go one better and make a modern reboot of the Hollywood classic.

Turnip told the Chronicle, ““Don’t get me wrong. Star Wars is a good film, but it needs modernising. All those lasers, spaceships and men in funny costumes with weird names have got to go. We’ll keep the good versus evil vibe, but everything else needs a strong reboot, and I believe I’m the man to do it. I just need the suits at the Welsh Assembly or some other enthusiastic film fan with a fat wallet to write the cheque, and I’m good to go!”

Turnip warns that although the fundamental theme will stay pretty much the same, he stresses that his version of Star Wars will feature entirely new characters and be something of a radical remake.

“Naturally, I’ll take the leading role, because the story will be very much my story. And although I love the name Skywalker, I’ve always found Luke to sound a little feeble compared with Johnny. I mean you wouldn’t get a Luke Cash, or Luke Rotten, and no-one’s ever going to write a rock classic called Luke B. Goode. So we’ve made an executive decision for my character to be called Johnny Skywalker.”

Turnip added, “Johnny will be growing up on some desolate farm in Powys, because the viewers will have a lot of natural sympathy for anyone growing up in that backwater county, and then after my awakening and realisation that I’m the son of some great mythical warrior I go on to save the world from the evil empire.

“We haven’t got a Darth Vader or Obi-Wan Kenobi character yet, but Puerto Rico Paul will be the Hans Solo character and Big Tony will be Chewbacca. “Their film names will be Lonely Paul and Cosmic T, and they’ll travel all over Wales in a van smuggling counterfeit goods, until I call on them to assist me in something groundbreaking.

“Instead of droids, we’ll have a couple of Gen Z types well into their social media, and I haven’t decided on my love interest yet; we’ll probably have to do a casting call and see who I’ve got the most natural chemistry with.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that while the script is still being hammered out, they decided to take a trip to this year’s Green Man Festival at Glanusk Park to court any potential investors.

“A lot of those types you get at the Green Man have got more money than sense!” Explained Turnip. “And so me and the boys thought we’d go there on a little reconnaissance mission to check out the action.

“We didn’t have any wristbands, but Puerto Rico Paul said Julius Geezer always had plenty from the previous years, and if we were lucky the high-vis tarts wouldn’t check them too thoroughly if we just brassed it out on entry.”

Turnip added, “Originally the plan was to go on Thursday evening because Puerto Rico Paul was sure once Charlotte Church knew the best Simon Le Bon tribute this side of England was in the house, she’d call him up on stage for a rendition of ‘New Moon on Monday.’

“Trouble was Julius Geezer was in Rome until Friday morning, and so we had to wait for the moody wrist bands before we could catch the shuttle bus to the site.”

Turnip explained that as they travelled to Glanusk, Puerto RicoPaul wasn’t in the best of moods.

“He’d got it on him about missing his chance to duet with Charlotte Church, but I said, ‘Mate! You’re deluding yourself. Yeah, you can hold a tune, but you’re low rent and over the hill. The kids don’t want to see a Simon Le Bon tribute act. They don’t even want the real thing. Your time’s over, Paul. Get used to it.’

Charlotte Church
Charlotte Church (Oliver Chapman )

“They were harsh words, I know!” Explained Turnip. “But these are harsh times. And I don’t care if Paul’s bipolar or not. I’m not gonna sugarcoat things just in case he goes into a sulk.

“As he sat there furiously necking his Stella and scolding at the Gen Z types in front of him who were actually wearing seatbelts on a coach and talking about ‘being sure to make time for themselves when the pace of things became a little hectic.’ I kicked back and began to enjoy myself.

“Ever since saving the world from AI, I had been a bit down. Can’t help it! I’m a man who needs a mission, and looking around me now at the badly-dressed youngsters on board with their terrible haircuts, appalling taste in music and feeble tolerance for alcohol, I felt better than I had in a long time.

“They say comparison is the thief of joy, but I say it’s all about the set and setting.

“In my rush of enthusiasm, I finished my can and tossed it at Paul’s head. Somewhat out of character for him, he didn’t respond. Just sat there gurning, which cheered me up even more. Sensing a bit of bloodsport, Big Tony followed suit and actually threw some lager over him, and that’s when it all kicked off.

“I won’t go into details, but I had to forcibly remove Paul’s hands from Big Tony’s throat. I never like to get in the middle of a lover’s tiff, but when Big Tony started to go blue and his eyeballs looked like they were going to pop, I decided this nonsense had to end. They were scaring the other passengers on board who were always trying their hardest not to look at the violent spectacle unfolding before their eyes.

“These youngsters hadn’t travelled from Camden and other hellholes to the sanctuary of the Welsh countryside, only to find two middle-aged men trying to throttle one another on a coach. It was indecent and not representative of Abergavenny. Well, at least not all of it.

“After I had separated the two idiots, I made a point of reassuring the worried-looking youngsters by yelling almost incoherently in the faces of my so-called friends and telling them to behave.

“‘This is not the festival they want or the festival they deserve!’ I screamed while gesturing manically to the rest of the coach.

“After the boys shook on it and we had a game to see who could drink a can of Stella the fastest, order was restored, nerves were settled, and I sat back to enjoy the ride!”

To be continued….