Abergavenny man plans to remake Star Wars for a new generation

FOLLOWING the news that the Welsh Assembly is handing over £100,000 in public funds to finance the first-ever Welsh language dub of Star Wars, an Abergavenny man has decided to throw his hat in the ring and ask for a similar handout.

Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he is planning to ask Plaid Cymru if they’ll invest in him to film a modern reboot of George Lucas’s sci-fi classic to mark its 50th anniversary.

“I know I haven’t got the celebrity clout of Matthew Rhys or Rhys Ifans, but I’ve got that one thing that money can’t buy - vision!” Explained Turnip.

“Doing a Welsh language dub of Star Wars and calling it ‘Gobaith Newydd’ is all well and good, but hearing Darth Vader talk in Welsh is hardly groundbreaking. It’ll just make a lot of people giggle. A bit like if he said stuff like, ‘The force is strong in this one butt’ with a valleys accent.

“What I’m planning is more in keeping with the spirit of a maverick like George Lucas and updating the story for a modern audience.”

Turnip added, “If you’ve asked me, they’ve missed a trick with the Welsh dub. Why not go the whole hog and do a completely Welsh remake? But updated for the streets?

“Don’t get me wrong. Star Wars is a good film, but it needs modernising. All those lasers, spaceships and men in funny costumes with weird names have got to go. We’ll keep the good versus evil vibe, but everything else needs a strong reboot, and I believe I’m the man to do it. I just need the suits at the Welsh Assembly to write the cheque, and I’m good to go!”

Turnip explained the idea came to him during last Wednesday’s eclipse.

“The plan was to watch the celestial event in Big Tony’s mum’s treehouse!” Explained Turnip. “You’ve got a great view from up there, but she kicked us out at the last minute. Apparently the Women’s Institute she’s a member of wanted the treehouse to do some sort of mass knitting session during the eclipse. Why? I don’t know! The Women’s Institute can be a bit like some weird cult at times and in my experience it’s best to leave them well alone.

“Anyhow, we ended up down the Usk in Clytha instead, and as I was stood in the river watching the totality, Puerto Rico Paul shouted, ‘JT. Turn way. You’re not wearing your 3D glasses!’ But by this point I was memorised, and to be honest the sun was so obscured by the moon it didn’t really hurt my eyes, so I kept gazing right into it like I was going into a deep meditation.”

Turnip added, “All of a sudden there was this blinding white light and I was kind of hallucinating that I was a young Luke Skywalker in that bit in Star Wars when he’s bored of the farm life and starts looking at the twin suns of Tatooine and hopes for a more exciting life far from tractors, livestock, the cost of corn and Uncle Owen’s incessant nagging.

“It was an epiphany! I knew then that the fates were conspiring and telling me to remake Star Wars for a new generation.”

Turnip explained that flush with excitement, he shared his plans with Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul on the way back to Aber in the Bedford Rascal. Only for Puerto Rico Paul to say, ‘Great! Will you ask Gemini to write the script?’

Turnip said, “I asked Paul, ‘Who the hell is Gemini?’ And them much to my disgust, he brought to my attention an AI version of me that had appeared in last week’s Chronicle!

“Sniggering into his fag, Paul threw me a copy of the offending article, and I found some bearded bellend who looked like a cross between Worzel Cummidge and a hapless hipster looking back at me for the pages.

“‘Is this dickhead supposed to be me? I snapped.

“‘Easy!’ Said Paul. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.’

“‘This isn’t imitation. It’s nonsense. I’d never grow a beard, have such a lame haircut or wear such a frazzled expression. I’m a man who attacks life. Not one with a bad wardrobe who talks about allotments and root vegetables with a passion bordering on a fetish.

“‘Just because my second name is Turnip, it don’t make me no hillbilly. I’m an urban swashbuckler from the Mardy, who’s more at home in a golf buggy than a tractor.’”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “I read the first couple of paragraphs, and I felt deader than a zombie on sedatives. These weren’t words. This wasn’t language. It had no rhythm, no spark, no soul. It was the confused ramblings of a newborn and senseless mediocrity trying to reshape itself into something a little less lame.

“It just reminded me why I’ve always hated computers. The irony being, I’ve just saved the world from an apocalyptic AI overlord who wanted to consume humanity whole. And this is the thanks I get in my own hometown?

“‘What a dark day for the Turnip clan!’ I mused out loud. ‘To have our reputation tarnished paper in such a manner. I sense the AI clown Peter paleface’s hand behind this. Yet his game is still a bit off, and it’ll take more than a microchip and a pot to steal my crown.’

“‘These hacks are making an enemy of their own future by dabbling in such dark arts as if it were but a mere Victorian parlour game.’

“‘Anyhow. I’ve wasted enough time on this travesty. I have things to accomplish that no AI and few mortal minds could comprehend.’

“‘What’s that JT?’ Asked Big Tony.

“‘Time Travel Tone. Nothing more and nothing less. But first I need to make some serious dough to build the machine, and I feel breaking into Hollywood with a timely reboot of Star Wars is just the way to do it!’”

To be continued…