Abergavenny man launches a hunt for the “Beast of Talybont!”

THE picturesque little Powys backwater that is Talybont has many things. It boasts hills, woods, waterfalls, a reservoir, a canal, and some great pubs, and according to Abergavenny man Johnny Turnip, it also has a beast!

Turnip told the Chronicle that he has it on good information that the reservoir is home to a giant toad.

“When I say giant toad, I don’t want people to get me twisted.” Explained Turnip. “We’re not talking about the sort of amphibian you’d see on the Discovery Channel in the early hours. This thing we’re hunting isn’t a bog standard cane toad; it’s on a whole different level. It’s more of a dragon in the shape of a toad, but with a human body if that makes sense.

“It’s old, dangerous and completely unknown to any taxonomist who has ever lived.”

Turnip explained that after he accidentally fell off his bike into the Mon & Brec Canal and had a strange encounter with a small human/toad hybrid that implored him to travel to Talybont Reservoir and pass a message to his mother who went by the name of Queen Toad, he knew something was not quite right.

So he returned to Abergavenny to enlist the help of his two friends, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul.

Turnip added, “Puerto Rico Paul’s mother, Pauline, is regarded as the Witch of Tudor Street, and what she doesn’t know about the paranormal isn’t worth knowing. So she kindly filled me in on the history of the beast of Talybont.

“Apparently the beast is known in magical circles as the Queen Toad, but its real name is Thelma. The story goes that it was once the pet of the notorious occultist Aleister Crowley.

“It’s not widely known, not even in the top ranks of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, but after Crowley made the mistake of using dark magic to summon the spirit of an ancient Egyptian Queen and bound her to the body of his pet toad, he accidentally fell in love with the little creature.

“It wasn’t something he was proud of, but as some dead woman once said, ‘The heart wants what the heart wants…’ and all that.

“Anyhow, to cut a long story short, even for a man of Crowley’s dubious character, it wasn’t the done thing to marry a toad. He loved the spirit but not the form so he spent hours researching ancient lore, practicing obscure rites and casting spell after spell to turn the toad into an actual woman and so they could consummate their love in a humane and not bestial manner.

“It wasn’t easy, but he eventually got to the point where Thelma more or less had the body of a woman in her prime, but try as he might, no magic could transform her head from that of a toad to that of an ancient Egyptian Queen.

“Thelma carried herself with divine grace, but she still had a weird-looking head that Crowley couldn’t do anything about. So in the end he just brought her a wig, and they ended up doing what men and women who fall in love have been doing since time began.”

Turnip added, “From their strange and unnatural union a boy was born. Or perhaps you could call it a toad. Either way. It was exactly like his mother. It had the body of a human and the head of a toad. Crowley called it Little Will and was confident he’d grow up to be the greatest magician the world had ever seen and would rule the Aeon of Horus.

“Only trouble was, Will was more into sport than magic, and was something of a keen swimmer, but that’s neither here nor there.”

“About 12 years after Will was born, one of Crowley’s fierce rivals, a magician called Ronnie Darker decided to kidnap Thelma and hold her to ransom.

“Crowley was beside himself with rage when he found out what happened and swore he would destroy Ronnie a thousand times and more if he did not return his Queen Toad.

“Realising that Crowley was more than capable of hunting him down, taking back Thelma and doing something terrible without paying any ransom money, Ronnie panicked and took Thelma to Talybont Reservoir where he threw her in and placed a spell of confinement on the water.

“Ronnie picked Talybont because it was such an obscure area and the last place Crowley would look for his sweetheart. The spell he cast was a strong one, and it would take a great summoner to break it, but only if they knew where the Queen Toad was contained.”

Turnip added, “To make matters worse, after leaving the scene of the crime, Ronnie was walking along the Mon & Brec Canal back to Abergavenny where he was going to catch a train to London, when who should he bump into, but little Will.

“Will had a psychic connection with his mother. It must be a toad thing, but nevertheless she had called for his help, and he knew exactly where to find her. He had tried to tell his father, but Crowley was in one of his periodic opium dazes and could not be roused, so little Will had set off alone to Wales. Big mistake!

“When you have the head of a toad it attracts attention at the best of times, but particularly in a quiet area like the Mon & Brec Canal where it’s difficult to blend in with the crowd.

“As soon as Ronnie Darker saw little Will, he knew he was the son of an Ancient Egyptian Queen and acted accordingly. Without a word, he picked the poor little bastard up, threw him into the canal and cast the same spell of confinement on him that he did his mother, while gleefully boasting to Will where he had imprisoned her.”

Turnip explained, “Despite utilising all his magical talents, Crowley could not find Thelma or Will and died not long after from a broken heart, but not before he placed a curse on Ronnie Darker, who later choked on a peculiar shaped piece of ice in his gin and tonic.

“The year was 1947, and both mother and child toad have been in their watery prisons ever since. They had almost given up hope of finding freedom, until fortune threw them a bone in the shape of a Turnip.

“I swear on my ancestor’s graves both mother and son toad will be liberated and feel the sun on their scales once more. The hunt is on, and me and the boys are heading to Talybont!”