ALTHOUGH Oasis haven’t announced any dates in Wales for their forthcoming reunion tour, an Abergavenny man is hoping to persuade them to play a one-off gig at Abergavenny Castle next summer.

If that sounds crazy, it is, but Johnny Turnip has never let crazy get in his way.

The Abergavenny man told the Chronicle, “Although I’ve never been a big fan of Oasis, to my mind they’re a poor man’s Pet Shop Boys; they do have the ability to draw in the crowds, and where there are crowds, there’s money, and it’s the money I’m after to make my vision a reality.”

Turnip’s vision is to build a time-travelling machine but not in the traditional sense. Turnip claims his mind will be the time machine, but he needs the free time to develop and strengthen it to prepare it for the ordeals ahead.

“Obviously, training to be a time-lord doesn’t leave you with a lot of spare time, and I’ve had to put a lot of my other cash-generating pursuits on hold while I train to master the universe!” Explained Turnip.

“Naturally, my finances have taken a hit, and there’s a black hole where wealth accumulation should be. So to fill it I’ve had to look at various shortcuts to build my bank balance. One avenue I’m exploring is the relaunch of my Paranormal Research Society, Strangers In The Night. We haven’t got our old premises above the takeaway in town back yet, so the base of operations is currently my flat, but I’ve left a few cards in phone boxes and in selected shop windows, so hopefully that’ll attract a few clients.

“In the meantime, I’ve come up with an idea to try and get Oasis to play a one-off gig at the Castle. Half the profits will go to me for promotion costs and the brothers can keep the other half or give it to a worthy cause like Man City or something.”

Abergavenny Castle
What a backdrop that would be! (Abergavenny Chronicle )

Turnip told the Chronicle that although no big-name acts, apart from the Abergavenny Elvis, have rocked the Castle, it is the perfect stage for a band like Oasis.

“It’s got great acoustics for an outdoor venue.” Explained Turnip. “All that stone will help give Liam’s voice a bit of bounce. He always used to sound a bit like a drowning cat struggling for air at the best of times, but age hasn’t been kind to his vocal chords. He now sounds like a cat well past its prime being attacked by fireworks. But I feel this sort of historic setting could be a game changer and help give Oasis a bit of majesty.

“I’m hoping I can convince them to close their set with Marty Wilde’s ‘Abergavenny.’ What a musical moment that would be, hey?”

Although Turnip has yet to finalise any contacts with Oasis’s management, he is hopeful that he can bring the Mancunians to Abergavenny.

Turnip said, “Julius Geezer is taking care of all the paperwork. I’m not sure how it’s going, but Geezer’s got the showbiz contracts and necessary clout to make it happen. Obviously, because of the setting, we have to keep crowd numbers low and as a result tickets will start at one grand a pop. So although that rules out a lot of the locals, it’s for a good cause, so I’d like to think the town will get behind it.”

Turnip added, “Puerto Rico Paul has said he’ll fill the support slot for free, but I have concerns. His Simon LeBon tribute acts usually go down well in the clubs up top, but he’ll be playing for a much tougher crowd at the Castle.

“When I told him my concerns over a few jars, he replied, ‘Look, JT. I’m well aware that the urban sophistication, avant-garde style, and pure showmanship of a performer like LeBon will be lost on a bunch of philistines in anoraks, but I’ll guarantee I’ll win the crowd over. Where you see bad haircuts, poor musical tastes, and atrocious leisure wear, I see nothing but possibility.

“‘I guarantee that although they may arrive humming ‘Wonderwall,’ they’ll leave howling ‘Hungry Like The Wolf.” By the time I’m finished it’ll be like Freddie Mercury at Live Aid all over again. They’ll be eating out of my hand after they realise what a real spectacle looks like”

Turnip explained, “After Puerto Rico Paul had finished his pitch, and me and Big Tony discretely raised eyebrows at one another across our pints as if to say, ‘What a tosser!’ I had to take matters into my own hands and show a bit of firm leadership.

“‘Look, Paul!’ I said. ‘I appreciate the boost a support slot on such a prestigious gig as this could do for your career, but….’

“‘Boost!’ Interrupted Paul. ‘This could be the making of me JT. It could open up the entire Neath Valley club scene, and the whole of Wales and the wider world to my Simon LeBon tribute act. Once people get a sense that I’m not just your average tribute act, but an inspired act, things could really take off. We could be talking official Duran Duran endorsements and all the rest of it. Potentially this could break me in Japan and make me the go-to act for people who want some quality LeBon but without the extortionate price tag that the man commands.’

“Nodding slowly but not really listening, because I was still bristling from being interrupted, I snapped, ‘Look here, Paul. Duran Duran are yesterday’s men. Even if I could get the real deal for free. I wouldn’t. They’d taint the gig with their eighties attitude. Too much baggage and too much Botox. You hear me dude?’

“Taking advantage of Paul’s gobsmacked silence, I continued, ‘Admittedly, Oasis are getting on a bit, and both Liam and Noel are giving off gnarly pensioners in the bookies vibes, but they’re where the money is right now. Nineties nostalgia sells by the bucketful and if all these Gen Z mugs can’t have a proper rock n’ roll band of their own, let’s sell them ours. They may be well past their sell-by date, but a bit of repackaging and rebranding works wonders. By the time they’ve realised they’ve been had over with some dodgy gear, we’d have bagged the loot and been long gone.

“‘If I put you on as support, it could jeopardise the whole operation. Besides which, Julius Geezer thinks there’s a chance he could get James Blunt to actually pay us some big bucks to support Oasis. Blunt is desperate for the prestige, you see? He was hoping appearing on The Traitors would turn his career around, but that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.’”

Turnip explained, “As Puerto Rico Paul fell into one of his bipolar silences and started tunelessly humming to himself, I sipped my Stella thoughtfully and prayed to the gods that after all this talk, I could pull this gig off. It would be one for the record books, that’s for sure.”

To be continued….