Abergavenny man claims the town is cursed!

FROM King Tutankhamen’s Tomb in the Valley of the Kings to the Village of the Damned in Connecticut, USA, it is well known that certain sites and places can be cursed, but as far as we can ascertain, no one’s claimed that Abergavenny is cursed until now!

According to local man Johnny Turnip, an evil witch has cursed the town since the sixteenth century.

“It sounds crazy, I know!” Explained Turnip. “And I wouldn’t believe it myself, but after I met the man in the woods and he told me the story, I just knew in my bones it was the truth.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he had heard about the curse after bumping into a stranger when wandering through St Mary’s Vale.

“I’d just gone up for a hike to clear my head when a man dressed a bit like Gandalf appeared through the Autumn mists. Although that might sound bizarre, it wasn’t really. You get all sorts of fruits strolling around the Sugar Loaf during work hours, and seeing a guy dressed like a wizard wasn’t exactly abnormal.

“Although, when he got closer, I could tell by his eyes and the way he carried himself he was a bit fruiter than usual, but still, you expect to find that sort of thing on the hills in this day and age. It’s par for the course.”

Turnip added, “As he got closer, he stamped his staff on the ground all theatrical like, before throwing his hood back and roaring like an angry thespian, ‘Do you know who I am?’

“‘A nutter?’ I replied.

“‘Hardly!’ He snorted contemptuously. ‘I am the wild man of the woods and have roamed these lands before town below and before civilisation within. And I now have a message for you from the Triple One.

“‘Gaia?’ I asked.

“‘The very same!” He announced smugly.

“‘How is the old bitch? Still hormonal?’ I replied.

“‘How dare you disrespect the goddess in such a way!’ He roared.

“‘Oh, come on dickhead.’ I said. ‘She dresses like a cross between Mary Poppins and Elsa from Frozen and is madder than a box of frogs. Still. She is a supernatural deity and could possibly help me in my ongoing ambition to become a time-traveller.’

“‘You will do the goddess’s bidding!’ He commanded.

“‘Calm down, you misogynist bastard!’ I said. ‘What’s her message and we’ll see how things pan out.’

“‘It is simple. Abergavenny is cursed.’ He said.

“‘So what the hell am I supposed to do about it?’ I wondered aloud.

“‘Apparently you’re the chosen one, and it has fallen to you to lift the curse.’

“‘Oh, for Christ’s sake. Here we go again.’ I muttered. ‘It’s not enough that Johnny has saved the world countless times, but now I have to save Abergavenny as well.’

“‘What is wrong with saving Abergavenny?’ Asked the wild man of the woods.

“‘It’s a bit of a bloody downgrade, truth be told.’ I replied. ‘I don’t mind saying the world because that’s got a bit of prestige and clout. We’re talking Avengers vibes. But saving Abergavenny is a bit lame. Who’d make a movie about that?’

“‘There is more to these things than you can possibly know Turnip. Trust me.’ He said. ‘Accept this mission and life as you know it will shift in ways you cannot begin to fathom.’

“‘I’ve heard that one before,” I replied.

“‘Still!’ I thought to myself. “I’m at a bit of a loose end at the moment. I’m training to become a time-traveller, but that’s not as easy as old Poe made it out to be. He said that all you need is to commit yourself to the ritual and visualise the time and place you want to visit as you fall asleep, and you should wake up there. But apart from a few dodgy dreams about Ancient Rome and Victorian London, nothing’s happened. Instead of waking up in some distant and exotic realm, I keep waking up in the Mardy, and it’s becoming a little disheartening.

“Perhaps what I need is a fresh break from being a time lord’s apprentice and return to it with a fresh pair of eyes. A new mission, even one as lame as saving Abergavenny, could be just the tonic. And so I decided to take the Gandalf wannabe up on his offer.

“‘Ok man of the woods,” I said. ‘What is this curse that needs lifting?’

“‘I’ve not been told that much.’ He said, looking a little embarrassed.

“‘How am I supposed to lift a curse when I don’t even know what it is?’ I said, like an impatient teacher addressing a class full of thick kids.

“‘Well, that’s your job. Mine is just to simply pass on the message. All I can tell you is that the town was cursed in the sixteenth century by a witch named Gertrude Blackheart. It was also foretold that one day a man named after a root vegetable would arise to lift the curse and restore Abergavenny to its former glory. So I’d get busy lifting if I was you.’

“‘For a wild man of the woods you’re not much help.’ I said scornfully.

“‘What do you want for nothing? A rubber biscuit?’ He said before erupting into laughter and adding, ‘Right! I’m off. My work here is done. Good luck with the curse. You’ll need it.’

“’Wait!’ I screamed at his departing back as he made his way back into the trees. ‘Where do I start?’

“‘At the beginning!’ He replied, followed by another fit of manic laughter.”

Turnip added, “As I watched the wild man of the woods return to wherever he went when not busy wandering the forest, I wondered to myself how I could possibly find out the origins of this so-called curse and what it all meant.

“The library could be a good place to start. I could look through all the old history books and see if I there was anything about this Gertrude in there. But that all sounded too boring. And then it him me like a hammer. Puerto Rico Paul’s mother Pauline was a witch. If anyone would know about the famous Abergavenny curse, it would be her. It was time to pay the old hag a visit.”

To be continued.....