HOLLYWOOD may long have been billed as the place where dreams come true, but behind the glitz, glamour, and impossible reality of Tinseltown, there lies a terrible secret! At least according to semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Hollywood was built on stolen gold!” Claims Turnip. “And not just any stolen gold, but fairy gold! The precious stuff was taken from the Far Flung Lands by my ancestor, Potato Creek Johnny. It was meant to be used to bring proper magic back to the world. Sadly, he lost it in a game of Texas hold ‘em, and his sacred pot fell into the hands of the greed heads and money men in the movie industry who used the fairy magic to make themselves insanely rich by making films full of fairy glamour and make-believe.”

Turnip added, “Fortunately, seeing the cheap and tawdry product the Hollywood sharks were making using the fairy gold, an ambassador from the Far Flung Lands called Puck, stole the pot and tried to sell it for a few million to John Lennon in the late 1960s.

"The Scouse skinflint was too busy at the time imagining a world without any possessions, so he wasn’t buying! However, apparently, Puck did get lucky with the Doors' frontman, Jim Morrison. Trouble is, the road of excess doesn’t always lead to the palace of wisdom, and the Lizard King went mad bingeing on the pot and subsequently died.

“Rumour has it that the pot was stolen from his Paris apartment by a shadowy figure who took it back to Hollywood and sold it to a secret society. I had a feeling that leprechauns could be involved, but apart from that, I had no idea where the pot was now located.”

Turnip added, “Fortunately, my mate Tyke is a heavy hitter in Hollywood and also a high-ranking scientologist. Your readers would know him by his stage name - Tom Cruise!

“Anyhow, on our flight from New York to Hollywood in Tyke’s Black Hawk, he filled us in on everything he knows about the legend of Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold.

"He explained, ‘Johnny! It’s no secret! We’ve been using fairy magic in the movie business for generations. Everyone from the studio executives down to the directors, the thespians, and the technical crew were using what the old-timers often refer to as the ‘special pot’ throughout the 1920s to the 1960s. It was a golden age, but then the well dried up, and now we know why. This Puck guy stole it!’”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after making a few calls to some of his contacts in the upper echelons of Scientology, Tyke had a possible lead that could help him and the boys in their quest.

“Apparently, one of the Grandmasters, or whatever they call them in Scientology, warned Tyke that he was getting involved in some very serious stuff, but Tyke being Tyke just said into his headset, really loud in that dramatic way of his, so everyone else in the chopper could hear, ‘Don’t try to talk me down from this one Ron. JT and his friends need my help, and I’m not the kind of guy who abandons my pals in time of need. We’ve got a chance to do something special here, and leprechauns don’t scare me none. No! You listen to me, Ron! I’m sick of bending the knee, it’s time to make a stand!’ And with that, Tyke ripped off his headset and screamed, ’Show me the money!’ Over and over again until he started choking and brought up something nasty.

“After he had calmed down and stopped hyperventilating,Tyke told us that the shadowy figure who had stolen the pot was Greensleeves, the boss leprechaun who had sent his Shamrock Boys to teach me, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul a lesson in a rat-infested New York alleyway.

“The very thought of those diminutive, bushy-bearded, and smug bastards, gloating and singing their stupid songs as they pawed my ancestor’s pot with their filthy sausage fingers was almost too much to bear. I was becoming incredibly agitated.

“In a strained and strangulated voice that sounded a bit like a darts commentator after necking a bottle of brandy, I turned to Tyke and said,‘You telling Greensleeves and his mob have got my ancestor’s pot?’

“‘That’s exactly what I’m saying, Johnny!’ Said Tyke, as if we were in a Hollywood action movie.

“He added, ‘There was never any secret society. It was just a red herring to throw people off the scent. Greensleeves took the pot of gold because he knew the power it possessed. Obviously, the leprechauns cannot use it themselves because their hearts are dark and their ways are foul, and they have no way of utilising its magic. But they don’t want it to fall into the hands of those capable of using its power for good. Such as you, Johnny.’

“At this point, Tyke paused for dramatic effect, before adding, 'The chosen one!’

“There followed an embarrassed silence broken only by the sound of Puerto Rico Paul sniggering, before I asked in a quite unexpected and pompous tone, ‘Where can we find this Greensleeves?’

“Tyke replied, ‘The word is, you don’t find Greensleeves, he finds you!’

“‘What is he. Some sort of glorified debt collector!’ Smirked, Puerto Rico Paul from the backseat of the chopper.

“‘No!’ I snarled. ‘He’s just a leprechaun. A creature of myth and an extremely uncool one at that. He wears a green jacket, a silly hat, sad little flannel shorts and women’s tights. And if that wasn’t enough he has buckles on his shiny black shoes, the sort of beard even the most deranged and clueless millennial hipster would think twice about sporting, and the ruddy complexion of a seasoned whiskey drinker. I see nothing to fear here but plenty to scoff at! We’ve bested these aggressive little underlings before and we’ll do it again, in the name of freedom, magic, the tylwyth teg, and a world where…..’

“At this point, my motivational speech ran out of steam because my mind went strangely blank, and I had the familiar feeling of everything under the sun seeming a bit pointless and staged. "Thankfully, a seasoned professional at filling awkward silences, Tyke roared, ‘Damned right! Let’s kick some leprechaun ass!’

“And with that, he yanked hard on his joystick, the chopper veered dramatically upwards, and we headed for the Hollywood Hills!”

The Manifest Trials and Tribulations of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon