AN Abergavenny man who claims he and his friends were attacked by a horde of kung-fu fighting robots has explained it was no laughing matter!

“At first, you might think watching a bunch of robots pretending to be Bruce Lee would be a bit of a laugh,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“A bit like people who have no sense of rhythm trying to dance when they’d had a few. But when you realise these robots are doing all those weird flying kicks to disable and kill you, then things get serious and fast.”

Turnip told the Chronicle he was travelling cross-country to Deadwood with his mates and a centaur called Keith when AI clown Peter Paleface and his gang of kung-fu robots caught up with them.

“We’d been riding for hours by that point!” Explained Turnip. “The initial exuberance of galloping along on Kentucky thoroughbreds had soon got boring, and as our horses slowed to a canter, we began to get a little bored.

“It was a bit like being on the carousel at the fair as a kid. A lot of fun during the first surge of adrenaline, but it soon pales, and you just want to get off and do something better, like go on the dodgems or eat some candy floss.”

Turnip added, “As we cantered along bored out of our minds through the desert scrubland and Puerto Rico Paul tried to lift our spirits by singing Home on the Range in the style of Simon LeBon, we noticed Keith was cocking his head to one side, and his nostrils began twitching.

“Being half-horse, he spooks quite easily, and at first we thought it was Paul’s singing or possibly aftershave that was making him a little edgy, but soon we all began to notice a distant shape on the horizon and heard a weird humming noise.

“What in Chiron’s hooves is that?” Keith bellowed like Jason Statham in that movie where he has to single-handedly fight that massive whale.

“‘I can’t see anything!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul all stroppy and put out. He had always hated being interrupted mid-song.

“‘I see it!’ Said Big Tony. ‘It looks like something out of a Mad Max movie.

“’That’s no movie!” Said Keith as he stomped his hooves and spat on the ground. ‘That’s a nightmare from a future still to be written, and it’s heading in our direction.’

“‘Speak sense horse man!’ I commanded more abruptly than I meant to.

“‘What hunts us is not human!” Said Keith

“‘Well, to be fair mate, neither are you.’ Snarked Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘Silence human!’ Snapped Keith. ‘I have a beating heart, an eternal soul, and an unmistakable scent. The things coming our way have neither. They are a creation of circuits, algorithms, and repetitive patterns. In their world, no sun rises or sets; there is just the nauseating and unnerving sheen of artificial light.’

“‘You telling me Peter Paleface and his cronies have tracked us down!’ I screamed for effect.

“‘If that’s what this machine and its minions call themselves. Then yes. They are here, and they are hungry!’ Said Keith.

“Wondering for an instance how a robot could ever be hungry, I quickly replied, ‘Then we have no time to waste. We need to get the hell out of dodge.’

“Keith just looked at me like I was French, tossed his head, which, lacking a mane, just looked comical rather than theatrical, and neighed, “A centaur does not run. A centaur stands. These horses that carry you feel the same. We will ride out and meet this enemy head-on.’

“‘At last!’ Bellowed Bog Tony. ‘A horse after my own heart.’”

Turnip added, “Before we knew what was what, out of nowhere Tyke had begun reciting the Charge of the Light Brigade by Tennyson. We listened in mild contempt as he went all Hollywood and intoned, “Half a league, half a league, Half a league onward. All in the valley of death rode the six hundred. Forward, the Light Brigade! Charge for the guns! Into the valley of death rode the six hundred.’

“As Tyke took a deep breath and prepared to continue, Puerto Rico Paul piped up with, ‘But there’s only four of us and a centaur, not six hundred.’

“‘Enough!’ Snorted Keith. ‘We go, and we go now. Avance!’ He neighed. And where he went, the horses followed.”

Turnip explained that as they galloped furiously to meet the AI threat he noticed that the clown Peter Paleface was leading about a hundred robots who were all driving what looked to be desert buggies, but were in fact heavily modified tuk-tuks.

“We only recognised what they were, because a few years ago the police in Abergavenny had purchased some electric tuk-tuks to patrol the town and fight crime in.

“It was a source of massive hilarity at the time watching them cruise around in their auto-rickshaws like a low-budget Batman, but these metal-heads were riding souped-up petrol guzzling tuk-tuks, and the fact that they were robots made them look a lot more intimidating than a cop in a go-cart. In fact they looked even more sinister than plod on a pony.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after Keith ordered the horses to stop, the tuk-tuks began circling them as Peter Paleface pulled to a grinding halt and began leering at them.

“I forgot how annoying the clown was!” explained Turnip. “He was like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Jeff Goldblum with just a hint of seasoned crack addict thrown in for bad measure. He just sat in his tuk-tuk, which was painted gold and emblazoned with the words, ‘The Boss, ’ and kept smirking at us like some sort of gothic cat who was into coding and hacking people’s social media accounts.”

Turnip added, “Once the tuk-tuks had completely surrounded us and came to a halt. These huge robots all got out and started busting these synchronised kung-fu moves as Paleface just sat there grinning like an anorexic Jabba the Hutt.

“It was like watching something out of The Terminator, to be honest, and as Peter Paleface clicked his fingers, they began to approach on all sides, chanting ‘Do or die! AI never lies!’ In a weird electronic voice like some sort of bizarre Sansei John Kreese collective.”

Turnip said, “I know robots can't technically feel anger, but these machines looked pretty worked up as they punched and kicked the air and drew ever closer. As we all adopted our fighting stances and Keith pulled out his shotgun, we knew this was probably the end of the road. It looked like the bots, greed heads, and grey suits had won. We’d probably never find Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of gold and bring magic back to the world. Still, we could die a good death and maybe give the singularity something tough to chew on before it put us in the ground!”

To be continued…..