AN Abergavenny man has made the outlandish claim that he spent the night with the ghost of a great American author in New York’s Plaza Hotel.

“I’m not what you call a big reader by any means!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“I’m more of a doer than a thinker. So writers don’t impress me much. They spend too much time indoors on their own when they could be out drinking with the boys.

“Big Tony, on the other hand, loves his James Patterson but even he didn’t recognise the ghost of the writer who kept bothering us in the middle of the night like a bad dose of piles.”

Turnip added, “As it turns out, he’s something of a famous name in the literary world and had a lot to say about the fairy gold we’d come to America to find.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after they had fought off the leprechauns in a running street battle they had jumped in a cab and headed to the Plaza on the advice of the Oracle on the Island of No Return, who had told them, ‘Head to the Plaza in Central Park South and ask for Angel Eyes if you want to find Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold.’

And so they did!

Turnip explained, “We had a bit of trouble at reception when, upon hearing our accents, the lady behind the desk asked if we’d ever been to the States before?

With a grin, Puerto Rico Paul replied, ‘I’ve been in some right states love.’ And went to light a fag, which Big Tony quickly ripped from his mouth with a firm, ‘Behave!’”

Turnip added, “To her credit, the lady behind the desk, who, according to her name badge, was called Zelda, was keen to help, but our dishevelled look, tracksuits and collective aroma of stale alcohol and cigarettes were probably making her doubt that we could afford to buy a cocktail in that place, let alone rent a room.

“She looked hopefully at us and asked, ‘Are you guys in a band?’

“Puerto Rico Paul, who takes his Simon LeBon tribute act extremely seriously, just sneered and said, ‘Have you ever heard of Duran Duran?’

“‘Zelda just gulped and said nervously, ‘I think so.’

“Paul replied , ‘Then you should know I’m the closest to the godlike genius of Simon LeBon that you’ll ever meet. My version of Hungry Like The Wolf has been acclaimed as a courageous take on a New Romantic classic by none other than Tony Hadley from Spandau Ballet, who incidentally, I was once lucky enough to join as a support act for his legendary 2002 tour of the South Wales Working Men's clubs.’

“He then gestured dismissively at me and Tone and said, ‘These boys have zero musical talent. In a perfect world, they would be my roadies. As the bastard child of Paul McCartney, and I mean that in a very literal sense, I have exquisite harmony and perfect chord progression running through my veins. My rise to the stage was sadly handicapped by an unsupportive mother and growing up in an impoverished culture that mocked ambition, talent, and noticeable good looks.

“‘So, in answer to your question. No! I’m not in a band. Sadly, due to heavy substance abuse, which incapacitated me throughout my twenties, I never met my John Lennon or Keith Richards and later had to settle for fulfilling my artistic ambitions as a one-man show.

“‘Saying that, I have no doubt I’m still by far the greatest vocalist to ever take to the stage and sing accompanied only by pre-recorded backing tracks.’”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “After he had finished speaking, Paul simply closed his eyes and began fiercely humming ‘You Are My World’ by The Communards while hugging himself and rocking furiously.

“Me and Big Tony were well used to Puerto Rico Paul going off on one of his neurotic rants, but you could see Zelda was a little taken aback by his psychotic episode.

“She just kind of blushed and looked downwards at her desk. I could see she was thinking that if we weren’t in a band, how did we have the sort of cash to pay for a place like this?

“Not wanting her to think we were a gang of chancers off the street who couldn’t be trusted. I just winked at her, placed the suitcase containing half-mil in used dollars that my buddy Tom Cruise had given us, before opening it slightly to let her have a look at all that dosh.

“You could tell by the way she nervously looked in the direction of the security guard that she was quietly impressed.

“ I just nodded my head at her like a real player does when their true identity is revealed, leaned into her ear, and whispered reassuringly, ‘As you can see, money is no object for us. With all this wealth at our disposal, we could act like proper Flash Harries, but that’s never been our style. Between you and me, we’re on a secret mission to find my great ancestor’s fabled pot of fairy gold and heal the world.

“‘Obviously, the less attention we attract, the better. Your President has already sent a mob of leprechauns to take us out of the game, but when you play with Turnip, you'd better be prepared to play for the big stakes.’

“I then added for effect, because she looked like the sort of girl who would listen to REO Speedwagon, ‘When you’re under the gun, you take it on the run!’”

Turnip said, “The colour sort of drained from her face when she finally realised the pivotal role me and the boys had to play in the history of the world, but that’s ok, we get that a lot.

“She was visibly struggling to find her voice, so I helped her out by saying, ‘So as you can see, we’re men of means who are on a mission. So any rooms you’ve got, we’ll pay handsomely for the privilege.’

“Quickly looking at her computer, she replied, ‘At the present time, we only have the Great Gatsby Suite available. The only problem is, it only has one bed, albeit a king-size one.’

“’That’s ok!’ I said. ‘Paul and Tony will take it in turns on the couch. They rarely sleep anyhow.’

“We told her we wanted it for at least two nights and were hit with a bill for nigh on six grand, but that was alright, we could do with a little luxury and taste of the high life.’

“‘As we waited for the bell boy to show us our rooms, Puerto Rico Paul, who had recovered from his mental turn, asked Zelda, ’Does it come with a butler!’

“‘No! Sweetheart, it doesn’t!’ Said a strange voice behind us, which added, ‘But it does come with a ghost!’ And that’s when we turned around and saw the Cuban cigar-smoking drag queen we would come to know as Angel Eyes.”

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.