IT’S often said the spirit of Dylan Thomas is never far from a crowded pub or an opened bottle of whiskey. Yet an Abergavenny man has taken things a step further and claimed he met the ghost of the Welsh poet in a New York City bar.

“I’ve always felt death has no dominion for larger-than-life characters such as Dylan Thomas,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “And the fact that the Swansea boy’s ghost sat down for a few jars and a catch-up with me and the boys proves my point.”

Turnip explained that his meeting with the ghost of the late writer was not, as one might guess, accidental, but arranged by the late singer Lou Reed.

Turnip told the Chronicle, “After we had parachuted from Tom Cruise’s private jet into the Atlantic and were being smuggled onto Ellis Island by Brooklyn Benny and Freddy the Fish in their speedboat, I had a vision where the Statue of Liberty was talking to me with the face and voice of The Velvet Underground frontman.

“I asked the others after the event if they had experienced anything out of the ordinary, but they were too busy gazing at the Manhattan skyline with their mouths open to notice anything untoward. Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul may be my mates, but they’re not a sensitive like me. My mind is attuned to the higher vibrations and that’s why I probably picked up the message from Lou Reed.

“Anyhow, after we had a quick chat about the woeful state of modern music, Lou told me that he knew I was in the States on a special mission to find a pot of fairy gold.

“‘I appreciate you’re a rock god Lou. But how the hell did you know that!’ I said.

“‘I’m the eyes and ears of this city, as well as its unofficial poet,’ said Lou. ‘You hang around enough bars, drink enough drinks, meet enough people, you become a sponge for all sorts.’

“He added, ‘There’s always been a lot talk coming from Queens about a chosen one sent by the fairies to heal the world. The legend has it that he’d hail from a country named after a big marine mammal.’

“He said, ‘I think in the past, others like Dylan Thomas were in NYC on the same quest, but sadly the drink got the better of him and he failed. It looks like you’re the last hope of the free world Johnny, and I’m here to help.

“‘All respect Lou,’ I said. ‘It’s not blanket distortion and a three-chord runaround I need. How can you help? It’s paranormal powers that will benefit me most, not guitar tuition.’”

Turnip added, “Lou just kind of smiled wryly, closed his eyes, and then his, or should I say the Statue of Liberty’s head did a 360 rotation like the girl in the Exorcist movie. When it had done a full circle, he opened his stone eyes and said, ‘I’ve consulted with the funding fathers!’

“‘Don’t you mean founding’ I said.

“‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ Snarled Lou. ‘You think possessing big stone statues don’t come at a cost?’

“‘Fair enough!’ I replied. ‘Please continue.’

“‘This city will swallow you and your dreams whole if you let it!’ Said Lou. ‘The trick is to do what you gotta do and do what you can.’

“‘Fair enough!’ I said, not knowing what the hell he was on about.

“‘You know when I was a young guy in High School, do you believe I wanted to play football for the coach?’ Barked Lou suddenly.

“‘Not really!’ I said tentatively, not sure how to deal with Lou’s darkening mood.

“‘I wish I was born a thousand years ago. I wish that I’d sailed the darkened seas,’ Lou screamed in staccato fashion for no good reason.

“‘Easy now tiger!’ I said. ‘Let’s not get off track. You said you would help me find Potato Creek Johnny’s fabled pot of fairy gold. Any idea where to look first?’

“‘How the hell should I know!’ Bellowed Lou. ‘I’m not Welsh! You got the wrong Velvet! If it was me, I’d just go to the nearest bar, drink some whiskey, and wait for something weird to happen. And trust me, in this city that won’t take long.’

“'Sounds like a plan!’ I said cheerfully.

"’Thanks Lou!’

“‘No problem Johnny. If you need me, find someone to play the opening chords of ‘Sweet Jane’ properly and I’ll be there. Now, I gotta run. I’ve got a meeting with Mozart to discuss what harmonics you need to calm an angel. Good luck and watch out for Charley’s girl.’

“And with that, he was gone and the Statue of Liberty returned to being little more than a famous chunk of carved copper, unseeing and unknowing, but carrying the hopes of us all.”

Turnip explained that after Cruise sorted it with the Ellis Island authorities to dock the boat and catch a free ferry into Manhattan, they were heading to a hotel in a yellow cab and marvelling at how big and unreal everything looked when Cruise suggested they catch a drink at a nearby bar.

Turnip explained, “Tyke suddenly got all excited and squealed, ‘I know the perfect place!’ He shouted at the driver, ‘Head to Hudson Street and the White Horse Tavern. We got some of Dylan Thomas’s fellow countrymen here looking to wet their whistle.’”

Turnip said, “I’m not sure if Tyke was trying to do a Welsh accent or not but he sounded like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins and I could see Big Tony’s fists clench involuntarily.”

Turnip explained that as the four of them walked through the doors of New York City’s second oldest bar and the drinking den where Dylan drank his final dram in 1953, they were profoundly disappointed.

“I was expecting something dingy and atmospheric, full of shadows, characters, cigarette smoke, and a slight air of danger, but it was like most modern bars, a bit crap, over-lit, and full of botox, mobile phones and poncey food,” explained Turnip.

“Yet when I locked eyes with the life-size portrait of Dylan Thomas behind the bar of the tavern looking all confrontational, angry, and sullen I knew we were in the right place.

“This was confirmed shortly after when the painting came to life, and the old soak motioned for me to join him for a few, or possibly a session!”

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.