AN Abergavenny man has made the unusual claim that he has declared war on Artificial Intelligence and will “unite the supernatural tribes” in “the end days conflict against the machines!”

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that after meeting the singularity embodied in the form of crazed clown Peter Paleface, he realised what he had to do.

“I don’t take the act of declaring war on anything with a microchip lightly,” explained Turnip. “But when Peter Paleface ruthlessly decapitated the defenceless leprechaun right in front of us, I knew it was the thin edge of the wedge and I had to take direct action.”

Turnip explained that after “he and the boys” were taken captive by secret service types and taken to Hangar 18, where a gothic-looking clown dramatically shouted at them and offered them a cool million dollars each to abandon their quest to find Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold and bring magic back to the world, he knew something wasn’t quite right.

“The thing is,” said Turnip. “I remember asking myself at the time, ‘If this clown was so all-powerful, why did it fear fairy magic so much and why was it trying to bribe us to quit our quest and go home? Why not just kill us?’

“As I pondered these questions, I noticed Tyke had adopted the locust position with his eyes closed and was softly humming, so I knew he was planning some Mission Impossible type move to bust us out of the steel cage. I just needed to keep Peter Paleface talking until the time was right to make our play.”

Turnip said that as he softly taunted the clown about being nothing more than a collection of random data and a feeble construction of plagiarism and prompts, things took a turn for the worse when the leprechaun was dragged into the hangar, screaming for mercy.

“It took me surprise to see a leprechaun so vulnerable and scared. Usually, they’re cocky hot-heads with plenty of brass and bluster, but this poor little fella had obviously been tortured and was a little the worse for wear.

“The men in black balaclavas threw him to the ground in front of Peter Paleface, who looked down with a sneer and snarled, ‘Oh look! A creature of myth and magic!’

“The clown then just looked at us with his deathly white face and beady black eyes and said, ‘Shall I show you how the magic of the old world compares with the might of the machines?’

“As Tyke continued humming and Puerto Rico Paul looked away in disgust. Big Tony started yelling about the clown facing him like a man, but Paleface wasn’t interested. He was just handed a lethal-looking sword by one of the men in black balaclavas, and as the leprechaun was on his knees and pleading for mercy, the clown just brought the sword down in a terrible arc and took the little fella’s head clean off.

“As the leprechaun's head, with eyes that would see no more sunsets and a mouth that would consume no more whiskey, rolled to a stop in front of the bars that imprisoned us, I felt a sudden kinship with the little bastards that I had never felt before.

“Yes, leprachauns were a mouthy and moody lot, who had a habit of casual violence and singing out of tune, but, as the blood pumping out of the decapitated fella’s body like a hellish fountain now testified, they had a beating heart and walked their days in the shadow of death. Unlike this AI clown, who was a man-made construct of zeros and ones.

“To make matters worse, the clown started pointing at the butchered leprechaun before covering his black lipsticked mouth with one hand, as if to smother a giggle, before taunting us with the words, ‘Now do you imbeciles finally see? I have power! I have purpose! And I have a ruthless practicality and effortless efficiency that will conquer the world. I am the giggling despair at the end of all things. Because only when the laughter stops do clowns become the stuff of nightmares.’”

Turnip added, “In a moment of blinding clarity, I realised the real enemy wasn’t the leprechauns but the machine masquerading as a clown in front of me.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that as he gazed into the digital abyss of Peter Paleface’s soulless eyes, he knew exactly what he had to do.

“Much like Aslan in the ‘Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,’ I had to muster the supernatural creatures of myth to prevent the machine from taking over.

“The fairies, the leprechauns, the goblins, the shapeshifters, the mermaids, the elves, the centaurs, and all the other weird creatures that walk or slither under the sun will have to put aside their differences and flock together under my banner to defeat the singularity.

“Once I have the gold, they will come, and together we will defeat the evil queen that is AI! But first, I needed to bust out of jail and find Potato Creek Johnny’s magic pot!”

Turnip explained that after Peter Paleface announced he would leave Turnip and his friends to think on his kind offer, he “turned on his spindly clown goth legs and walked away like a camp spider!”

Turnip added, “As soon as he left, Tyke opened his eyes, stopped humming, and jumped to his feet. By this time, the leprachaun’s body had stopped twitching and ejaculating blood everywhere, so we could finally think straight.

“Tyke looked at me with that Hollywood glint in his eye and said, ‘Listen carefully JT. I’ve got a plan to get us out of this hell-hole, but it won’t be easy. I need Puerto Rico Paul to start making a noise and saying he’s ready to make a deal!’

“‘Why me!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul, looking all affronted at having to play the part of the gimp who broke first and sold his mates down the river.

“‘Because it’s only plausible if it comes from you!’ Replied Tyke. ‘Big Tony would rather die than sell out his principles, and since birth, JT has been a man on a mission. It has to be you Paul! You are a loyal friend, but you also have a craving for the big-dollar life. And your belief in this quest isn’t as strong as the others. AI can sense when someone’s moral compass is prone to breaking down.

“‘Up yours Cruise!’ Shouted Puerto Rico Paul. ‘What does a Hollywood has-been know about being staunch or standing fast. I’ve been with these boys through thick and thin, and my integrity has never, and I mean, never, been in doubt. I’m from the street, not some LA mansion, and if anyone’s selling anyone out, it’ll be a little jumped-up weasel like you. This ain’t a movie pal, and you ain’t no star. Things are about to get real, and we’ll see who starts squealing like a little bitch when clown guy starts waving his big sword around.’

“‘You think you got what it takes to dance with me? I’ll take you to the edge and past it!’ Shouted Tyke, going all action star on us before adding for effect, ‘You can’t handle the truth!’

“As me and Big Tony made eyes at each other over their squabbling heads, I realised a different approach was needed. Stepping in between the two hormonal hussies, I called an end to their bitch fest by saying, ‘C’mon, you dickheads! There’s a clown with a big sword waiting somewhere out there to chop off our heads, and all you two wanna do is lock horns in an alpha male contest. As they say in the SAS, fail to prepare, prepare to fail.’

“‘That’s the motto of the scouts, dickhead!’ Snarled Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘I think you’ll find it’s Benjamin Franklin,’ Said Tyke.

“But before we could properly get into the argument, the lights went out and everything went dark!”

To be continued…….