AS all ufologists and diligent conspiracy theorists know, there have long been rumours about a hangar located at Wright Patterson Air Force Base near Dayton, Ohio, that is said to contain parts of crashed UFOs and alien bodies, including the wreckage from the notorious Roswell incident of 1947.

Although theories surrounding Hangar 18 have been circulating since the 1970s, to date, there has never been a credible eyewitness to substantiate the outlandish claims of what exists within its fierce and foreboding confines - until now!

“It was wall-to-wall weirdness being banged up in there!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“As a man who lived in Powys for the best part of four years, I’m no stranger to the vile, unsettling and bizarre, but seeing dead ETs strewn about the place like teddy bears with their stuffing ripped out was tough on the eye and the stomach.

“There were alien bodies everywhere, but only one UFO. And the weird thing is, it was the size of a toy! You could hold it in your hand. Apparently, the boffins there had spent decades trying to work out how the aliens made it big enough for them to travel in, but if you ask me, they were wasting their time. The aliens were obviously using a form of supercharged quantum that the men in white coat’s logical and primitive minds could never grasp. I worked it out straight away, though. But I’m what you’d call a lateral thinker.”

Turnip told The Chronicle that alongside his pals Big Tony, Puerto Rico Paul, and Tom Cruise, he was taken to Hangar 18 by some “weird American secret service types.”

“I’m not saying they were the men in black, but I’m not saying they weren’t! Explained Turnip.

“The first thing we knew about the was when Tyke was piloting us to the Hollywood Hills from New York in his Black Hawk. This great shadow blotted out the sky above us, and Tyke said, ‘Uh oh! Houston. We have a problem.’

“‘What the hell is it!’ Screamed Puerto Rico Paul, who has always been uneasy when he’s above cloud level.

“‘It’s a Northrop B-2 Spirit!’ Said Tyke. ‘Or as you non-aviator types would call it, a stealth bomber!’

“‘I’ve never been tailed by a subsonic flying wing with a two-man crew before!’ Muttered Tyke to himself, before adding, ‘I know I’m good, but can I possibly outmanoeuvre this bad boy in a Black Hawk? The stealth bomber packs a top speed of 630 mph; meanwhile, this chopper tanks out at 222 mph. The law of averages suggests I’ll lose and badly. But I am a maverick who doesn’t do average. Plus, I am dangerous!’”

Turnip added, “As Tyke shook his head slowly and pondered his greatness, he turned to me and the boys and said, ‘Any idea who the chumps tailing us good be?’

“‘My only thought is that it could be the leprechauns!’ I said, before pondering, ‘But would their feet reach the pedals?’

“Lost in a world of his own, Tyke just winked at me and said, ‘Whoever’s flying that thing, I’l take them right into the danger zone. Hang on boys. I’m about to become the itch these pumpkin eaters can’t scratch.”

“And with that, the bottom literally dropped out of things as we began to plummet downwards at an alarming velocity.

“‘Hot damn!’ Said Cruise as we began to finally stabilise, the radar shows that the boys in the bomber are sticking to my butt every step of the way. I can’t shake ‘em. And it gets worse. I’m picking up a couple of F-22 Raptors heading this way. Whatever’s hunting you boys, it means business! We need to switch to plan B.’

“‘What’s Plan B?’ Asked Big Tony.

“‘Bombast, big balls and bluff!’ Said Tyke. ‘They got the tech and weaponry, but we got the one thing money can’t buy.’

“‘What’s that?’ Said Big Tony, genuinely baffled.

“‘Me! Of course!’ Said Tyke. ‘Hollywood’s last great leading man, who has a smile to die for and who also does his own stunts. Haven’t you seen any of the Mission Impossible films, fellas? I’ve been in a lot tougher jams than this and I’ve come out on top!’

“‘But that’s the movies!’ Said an incredulous Puerto Rico Paul. ‘You’re not actually Ethan Hawke!’

“‘And thank god for that!’ Exclaimed Tyke. ‘Ethan is a terrible thespian and a disgrace to the profession. He doesn’t deserve the name Ethan. ‘Training Day’ is the only decent thing he’s been in, and that’s because Denzel Washington carried him for the duration.’

“Sensing Puerto Rico Paul’s confusion. I said, ‘I think what Paul means to say, Tyke, is, you’re not Ethan Hunt and this is real life, not an action film.’

“‘My life is an action film!’ Roared Tyke. ‘There’s a part of me that’s tempted to fly alongside that stealth bomber, launch myself out of the chopper and straight into their cockpit where I’d beat up the pilots, who are probably Russian, take control of the bomber, shoot down the Raptors, fly you boys to LA and then thrash you at pool while drinking you under the table. And then at the end of the night I’d go home with the hottest chick in the place who has fallen hopelessly in love with me, even though she knows guys like me are riddled with personality disorders and are incapable of commitment.’”

Turnip explained, “As Tyke, seemingly oblivious to the fact we were now being followed by a stealth bomber and two fighter jets, launched into a tuneless rendition of ‘You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling,’ I just looked at the boys and shrugged my shoulders. When you’re sky high with a Hollywood A-Lister flying the chopper, anything goes!’

“Yet before I could ask Puerto Rico Paul if he had any codeine, a voice with a Russian accent came over the radio. ‘Mr Cruise and Mr Turnip and friends. This is Rumpelstiltskin Leader Two requesting you accompany us to Dayton, Ohio, where an interested party wishes to make your acquaintance.

“‘Wait a minute!’ Said Tyke, who had suddenly switched to a state of high alert. ‘Where we heading to in Dayton?’

“’The big boss man said take you to Wright Patterson Air Force,’ Explained the disembodied voice.

“‘I knew it! Cried Tyke. ‘They’re taking us to Hangar 18! Strap yourselves in fellas! This could be our most impossible mission yet!’”

To be continued.....