ROADS will close, pedals will be pushed, pedestrians will protest, motorists will moan, and hordes of cycling enthusiasts will squeeze both portly and famished looking frames into lycra and parade through the byways and highways of Abergavenny in a carnival of flash, dash, and stunning panache.

Yes indeed! It’s almost Velothon time again, but your average Joe doesn’t want to know what Z-list celebrities are taking part in this endurance epic of grunt and groan, or the diverse and many benefits this celebration of the bike bestows upon the local community. No! The question on Abergavenny’s lip is, ‘What roads will be closed, when, and for how long?’

Past experience proves that the Velothon have always incredibly vague about road closures. But this year the organization which charges individuals £69 to race on our borough’s roads, has upped the ante.

They’ve been considerate enough to pop a leaflet through local resident’s doors detailing the road closures for Sunday, July 8, but here’s the rub. The ‘Route and Access Overview’ as they mysteriously describe it, is for the Caerphilly area only. Which admittedly is handy if you’re planning on visiting that town’s lovely castle for the day but about as much use as a chocolate teapot if you want to know how the Velothon is going to mess up your weekend!

Abergavenny everyman Johnny Turnip was incandescent with rage at this appalling oversight and dazzling display of incompetence.

“What is this nonsense! Amateur hour at the Big Top!” Bellowed Turnip. “It’s almost like they’re taking the Michael. I’ve never been a big fan of the Velothon but I’m not swallowing this. It’s a moral outrage!”

The hot potato that is the Velothon has proven a real bone of contention with a lot of locals over the years. Many residents feel the cyclists are akin to an unwelcome plague. Some have even claimed they feel like prisoners in their own homes when the event is on because they can’t use their cars. Local heresay has it that in 2017 a handful of residents nearly left their homes on foot during the road closures, but decided against it because walking might have been seen as an affront to their dignity.

Self-confessed petrol-head, Mr Turnip, told the Chronicle, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a semi-professional runner, and I rarely use the car as a means of transport, but I do enjoy pimping my ride and using it to show off. At the moment I can be seen rolling every Sunday in a gold-plated golf-buggy with the numberplate ‘bellend 1.’ The peeps love to see Johnny out in his cruiser and I get mad love from all ends of the borough. So it’s really breaking my heart that on July 8 I ain’t gonna be able to roll like I normally do. And it’s all thanks to these bloody cyclists and their damnable road closures.”