A local astrologer who has just written a new book on star signs and how to understand them is confidently predicting his new magnum opus will be a bestseller.

‘Star Struck! An Idiot’s Guide To Astrology’ was written by a character called Earl Elderflower who describes himself as “Monmouthshire’s last true soothsayer.”

Unfortunately, the Earl cannot speak a word of English and can only write and communicate in what he calls the “language of the ancients” or as most people now know it - Greek.

The Earl’s new book was translated by Chronicle reporter Tim Butters who is fluent in classical languages such as Chinese, Sanskrit, Latin, Arabic, and of course Greek.

Promotion material for the book reads, “It doesn’t matter if you’re a pig farming alcoholic or a cross-dressing Olympian, you are who you are and you cannot escape your destiny.

He’s not as fat as Russell Grant but he’s twice as talented and wears better jumpers. Ladies and gentlemen allow us to introduce the most talented and perhaps the most famous semi-professional astrologer in the world - Earl Elderflower.

The Earl of Fortune has done many horoscope readings for a whole host of famous people including Kate Middleton, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, and Pat from EastEnders. They just haven’t seen them yet - except East End Pat who was part of a coach party booking that the Earl took when he was working as a gypsy sage off the end of Clacton Pier.

Come now dear reader, pay the pennies, walk on in, and allow the Earl to draw the mystic veil which obscures the future aside.

In the sacred realm which lies within this book, you’ll find out exactly what the stars have in store for you this coming year. The Earl’s predictions really are 100 percent foolproof! Now walk this way.”

Butters confesses he was skeptical about getting involved in such a project and explained, “To me, astrologers are a little like a snake-oil salesman. A lot of huff and puff and very little substance. But to be honest the Earl was willing to pay handsomely for a translator and a man’s gotta eat.”

The book reveals in lurid detail, all the peaks and troughs that 2019 will have in store for each and every star sign.

Semi-professional long-distance runner Johnny Turnip has long been a fan of the Earl’s readings and explained, “The Earl is an old family friend of the Turnips. He’ used to date my nan Annie ‘horror-show.’ As a child, I never heard him speak more than four words in English and those were,

“Never lie to a gypsy.” But I always knew there was something otherworldly about him. It’s the way he carries himself and the fact he always insists on wearing a velvet cape and sword in public.

Turnip added, “Make no mistake about it when it comes to the Earl I’m a true believer. The man has the God-given talent of necromancy and the second-sight, and it’s so great to finally read what this great mind has to say about the cosmos and our role in it.

“However I would advise anyone thinking of buying this future classic, that like most geniuses cut from a similar cloth, such as Gordon Ramsay and Danny Dyer, Elderflower swears like a drunken sailor in a storm, so his teachings are not for the faint-hearted or those of a delicate disposition.

“But that’s because he’s the people’s prophet. Time is but a plaything for the Earl and something he can travel through like a hot knife through butter.”

Is Turnip talking absolute tripe or is Elderflower the real deal? You can judge for yourself and download a copy of ‘Star Struck! An Idiot’s Guide To Astrology With Earl Elderflower’ from Amazon.

A small percentage of all proceeds from the book will be donated to the bookies and breweries of South Wales.