A local athlete mistakenly believed that yesterday’s decision by MCC to declare a climate emergency meant the world was going to blow up in a matter of hours.

Semi-professional endurance athlete Johnny Turnip was trimming the lawn with his petrol mower when a friend got in touch to tell him that Monmouthshire County Council had declared a climate emergency.

In a blind panic Turnip said that upon hearing the words ‘declared’ and ‘emergency’ he felt he had only a few hours left to get his affairs in order before the whole gig went up in flames, so he cracked open a can of Stella and began to build a bonfire out of plastic bottles, old tyres, and laminate flooring to see out the end of the world in style.

After furiously swigging back the lager, fanning the flames, and messaging everyone he knew to say ‘ciao for now,’ Turnip was informed by a friend that the council were simply using inflammatory language to make a grand gesture and that the rock we call earth would carry on spinning for a little while longer yet, seemingly impervious to any emergency it was apparently in.

Turnip explained, “I couldn’t believe it. I felt a right plum. I honestly felt that the council would be a little bit more responsible than that. To my mind you can’t declare an emergency out of the blue and not expect to frighten old ladies and highly-strung creative types such as myself. What are they playing at? I know it’s fashionable to bang on about the environment and make such high-minded announcements, but to declare an emergency on a Thursday afternoon? Honestly! What good does that serve man, beast, or Turnip. Besides which, you can’t declare an emergency and then just go home after the meeting like nothing's happened. I wonder what it’ll be next with this bunch of drama queens? An announcement that the earth is flat so be careful you don’t fall off the edge?”