Abergavenny man reunites magician with his monster

FROM Romeo and Juliet to Kim and Kanye, great love stories rarely end well.

You could say it was written in the stars or call it a simple twist of fate, but romance and tragedy often go hand in hand.

Just ask Jay Gatsby or Mark Antony.

However, Abergavenny man Johnny Turnip claims he has busted the mould, shaken the stereotype, lifted the curse and bucked the trend when it comes to epic tales of doomed love.

“Basically, when I reunited the ghost of Aleister Crowley with his lost lizard love, I righted a huge wrong. It was great to see the magician and his monster together again. Those two were proper in love and should never have been separated!” Explained semi-professional time traveller Johnny Turnip.

The accidental time lord told the Chronicle that after summoning the spirit of the dead magician, once dubbed “the most wickedest man alive” by the tabloids, he was surprised to find Crowley was quite amicable and reasonable.

“We were a bit nervous during the occult ceremony in the tower at Talybont Reservoir!” Explained Turnip.

“I was expecting the ‘Great Beast 666’ himself to turn up. So the fact he didn’t suddenly manifest in front of us with horns, red eyes, and speaking in a guttural snarl, was in a sense, a bit disappointing.

“Instead we got a fat, bald, and softly spoken man in a black dressing gown. He didn’t appear like a decent spirit should either. Reality didn’t distort, cats didn’t hiss, and Big Tony’s eyeballs didn’t disappear into the back of his head. He just walked through the door of the tower and introduced himself by saying, ‘You can call me Al!’”

Turnip explained that after a long and pleasant conversation where Crowley had hinted he wasn’t so much dead but simultaneously existing in other realities, Turnip revealed all he knew about Crowley’s imprisoned wife Thelma and child Little Will.

“When it dawned on him that they had been imprisoned in a watery solitude all the years by Ronnie Darker, Crowley went off on one a bit!

“He started ranting about third-rate acolytes and how he would see to it that Darker burned with the heat of a thousand suns.

“You wouldn’t think someone who had been dead for nearly a century could get that animated, but boy was he mad!

“He started pacing furiously, frothing at the mouth like a wild dog, and then to our disbelief got on all fours and began howling with rage.

“It was quite something. After he had calmed down somewhat, I took the liberty of patting him on the head, and trying to soothe him by saying reassuringly, ‘There, there. It’s all in the past now. Breathe and let it all go. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.’

“‘He’s dead!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul scathingly. ‘How’s that supposed to work!’

“‘Don’t be so pedantic Paul!’ I snapped. ‘Life and death! It’s two sides of the same coin. Even the dead need a fresh start from time to time.’

“‘Isn’t dying a bit of a dead end?’ Snapped Paul, who was getting his cocky head on.

“‘Unbelievable!’ I said. ‘The spirit of the most famous notorious magician of the 20th century stands before you and yet still you doubt! Still you refuse to believe and insist on clinging stubbornly to your conditioning and left-brain way of thinking!’

“‘Easy JT!’ He said. ‘I was just winding you up. I’m just finding it hard to see how the dead can benefit from the sort of Chinese fortune cookie wisdom you’d find on Facebook.’

“‘Enough!’ Bellowed Crowley. ‘We must conquer life by living it to the full, and then we can go to meet death with a certain prestige. Having said that, I am struggling how three such as you managed to summon one such as I. Nevertheless I thank you for finding Thelma and the boy. Now stand aside and watch a master at work.’”

Turnip told the Chronicle that no sooner had he spoke than Crowley spread his arms wide, held his head back and started reciting something in latin, but which could have just as easily been absolute gibberish.

“Whatever it was, it was pretty awesome!” Explained Turnip. “The boarded-up windows, bricks and roof of the water tower thing we were in just sort of blew off, until we were just left suspended on the floor with the magic circle drawn on it.

“The floor we were on then flew to the centre of the reservoir and came to a stop, and that’s when Crowley began to levitate, and forks of lightning began to strike him and sort of use him as a conductor rod. He reminded me a bit of Emperor Palpatine in Star Wars, but a fat version. Nevertheless, it was great to see a real maestro at work.”

Turnip added, “As he rode the lightning with his head thrown back and kept talking in tongues, his outstretched hands began to coax the water of the reservoir towards him, and amazingly enough drops of water began to pull away from the main body and began to form an intricate and winding staircase that led to the bottom of the floor we were floating on.

“As me and the boys looked on in disbelief, a graceful figure in a simple dress began to appear from the water and ascend the staircase. She would have been a real beauty if she didn’t have the head of a toad, but I had to admit she was a pretty good looking toad.

“I knew then it was Crowley’s long lost love Thelma, and as she reached the top of the staircase and Crowley finally stopped levitating and his feet touched the ground, he whispered, ‘My love! I thought I’d lost you forever.’

“‘Never!’ She said. ‘No element, passing centuries, or works of god or man can divide such as we. The secrets of creation bind us in divine matrimony.’”

Turnip explained, “As pillow talk it was pretty out there, but it’s always nice to see long lost lovers reunited. Even if one of them is a monster and the other a magician.

“I didn’t say anything, but I could see a stray tear escape Big Tony’s eye, and Puerto Rico Paul began to softly sing Morrissey’s ‘Happy Lovers at Last United.’

“What can I say, we’re all old romantics at heart!

“Anyhow! After Crowley and Thelma had finally finished embracing and whispering sweet nothings in one another’s ears, and Puerto Rico Paul shouted ‘Get a room’ in a good-natured way, the magician turned to us and said, ‘Turnip. I thank you and am in your debt. The spirit of destiny hangs heavy on you, and I can see our paths will cross again. Until then I bid you farewell. “Thelma and I now go to free Little Will and together we shall journey into the Golden Dawn.’”

Turnip said, “Before I could even begin to ask Crowley if he knew anything about starting out in the time-travelling game, he uttered, ‘As it is and shall be.’ And disappeared in an almighty blinding flash that temporarily blinded us.

“Whatever voodoo he was using was pretty powerful stuff. Because when out sight was restored, we were back in the water tower and it was like nothing had ever happened.

“‘Well that was pretty trippy!’ Said Big Tony. Before adding, ‘What next!’

“‘Next will take care of itself, Tone!’ I said. ‘It’s time to go home and get some shut eye. I think we’ve all had far too much to dream for one day!’”

To be continued……