Abergavenny man claims he has summoned the spirit of Aleister Crowley

THE notorious occultist Aleister Crowley had the sort of reputation that outlived his death.

Known during his lifetime as a magician, prophet and writer, Crowley founded the religion of Thelema and was a member of the esoteric Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn.

Yet the English eccentric was also dogged by controversy.

As something of a pantomime villain who delighted in calling himself “The Great Beast” Crowley was affectionately known by the tabloids as the “wickedest man alive.”

There are also rumours he worked for the British Secret Service as a spy.

However, his legacy and influence as “a pioneer of consciousness research” and influential occultist has cast a long shadow over popular culture, and now an Abergavenny man claims he has summoned the spirit of Crowley in a bizarre ceremony.

Semi-professional time-traveller Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle, “We got the idea from Puerto Rico Paul’s mum. In her prime she was known as the Witch of Tudor Street, and apparently knew how to talk to those beyond the veil.

“It’s not the sort of skill they value at the job centre, but me and the boys have always been impressed by anyone who can communicate with the dead, and so when the opportunity arose to put the Witch of Tudor Street’s skills to the test we couldn’t resist.”

Turnip explained that after crashing into the Mon & Brec canal and coming face to face with a small human/toad hybrid that turned out to be the lovechild of Aleister Crowley and an ancient Egyptian Queen named Thelma, he knew that he had a mission to fulfil.

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Aleister’s lovechild, was like his mother, in that he had a head of a toad and a body of a human. His name was Little Will, and he had been imprisoned in the canal by a magician called Ronnie Darker. The same magician had also confined Thelma to the Talybont Reservoir way back in 1947 to spite Crowley.

Turnip added, “Crowley never found his captive mistress or lovechild and died brokenhearted. Thelma and Little Will have been trapped underwater since. “And after I fell into the canal and the little toad man pleaded with me to take a message to his mother, how could I say no?”

Turnip explained that after enlisting the help of Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony, they headed to Talybont to liberate the ancient Egyptian monarch and reunite her with her son.

“Little Will’s instructions about how to get in touch with his mum were a bit vague. He said something about going there at midnight and saying something along the lines of, ‘Hello Queen Toad. A weary wanderer seeks an audience with you.’

“However, I knew from past experience of dealing with supernatural entities, you’ve got to be a bit more precise than that, so I decided to pick Puerto Rico Paul mum’s brains for info, and as it turns out the old witch was in one of her more approachable and chatty moods.

“Not only did she fill us in about the background behind the two captive toads and Crowley’s involvement, but she also told us that the best way to get in touch with Thelma and free her was to summon the spirit of the dead magician and get him to lift the spell of containment that Ronnie Darker had cast.

“Pauline explained that these dead magicians knew their stuff and no-one alive today has the skills to break or make those kind of spells anymore. So our only hope was to call on Crowley.

“Fortunately, the Witch of Tudor Street gave us a crash course on how to summon up the spirits of old occultists, and it turns out it was surprisingly simple.”

Turnip explained that after arriving at the old reservoir in Big Tony’s van by the light of a full moon, they set to work.

“Obviously we needed a safe place to carry out the dark arts and so we broke into that little water tower thing they have sticking out of the reservoir on the side nearest to the road.

“As it turns out, it was perfect for our purposes. It was cold, damp, windowless, and had a very Victorian vibe. We set out the candles, lit the incense, drew the circle and made the offering, which was actually a glass of red wine. Apparently Crowley was a bit of a connoisseur when it came to the grape, and as it happened Big Tony had half a bottle of Jacob Creek’s in his van left over from Christmas, so we were good to go.

“We weren’t happy about sitting in a circle and holding hands. It felt like we were in one of those new age men groups, but Pauline had explained it was essential for us to have both a physical and mental link while we were doing the summoning.

“As we let our minds go blank, I began to chant the incantation. The witch had told me it was never wise to demand a spirit, particularly a spirit of the magnitude of Crowley, to appear like a show pony. Instead, you were supposed to invite them to appear in a courteous and humble fashion.

“So I said, ‘Evening, Mr Crowley. Sorry to bother you in the afterlife. But I know exactly what Ronnie Darker did with Queen Toad and your bastard. I know where they are imprisoned and have been tasked with freeing them. The thing is I need the help of a great magician such as yourself. Obviously, it’ll be in your interest to be reunited with Thelma and Little Will again, so if you’re not too busy and could spare five minutes, it would be great if you could swing by to do a little magic and lift the spell of confinement.’”

Turnip explained, “After waiting for about five minutes, nothing much happened except for a weird whooshing noise that sounded like glass breaking. “At first we thought it was a sign from beyond the grave, but it turned out it was just Big Tony getting a Ring Doorbell Camera notification on his phone.

“After another five minutes of pleading with the ether for a sign, we were about to pack up and call it a day, when we heard footsteps on the metal bridge leading to the the tower.

“As the footsteps came to a stop, we collectively turned our heads to the door, and as it creaked open a fat man with a huge bald head and wearing a black robe walked in and gazed at us furiously with these big intense eyes.

“Trying to disguise my shock, I said, ‘Mr Crowley, I presume?’ To which he replied with a smile, ‘You can call me Al!’”