AN Abergavenny man’s arrival in America has got off to an unusual start. After bizarre claims that he met US President Donald Trump in the Heavens as he fell from Tom Cruise’s private jet, the Welsh adventurer is now convinced that the Statue of Liberty spoke to him as he entered New York.

“I’m not one to make things up!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “But my arrival in America has coincided with some industrial strength crazy. I mean, it was unsettling enough that the Statue of Liberty came alive and talked to me in the first place, but the fact that it did it so with the face and voice of Lou Reed just blew my mind! Talk about taking a walk on the wild side!

"This was high-grade Jason and the Argonauts levels of weirdness. It just validated to me how, myself, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul are on a mission that has stakes that go far beyond the fate of the world, we’re talking cosmic-style happenings here bud! The fact that Lou Reed chose to personally get involved means this ain’t no teddy bear picnic, we’re fighting for the soul of the universe. What’s more, one of the coolest guys to ever pick up a guitar and sing a song has chosen to back our play!”

Turnip explained that the unusual incident involving the iconic statue being possessed and animated by the spirit of the late, great Velvet Underground rocker, came about after he and the boys were forced to jump from Tom Cruise’s plane as it began malfunctioning somewhere over the Atlantic.

“Talk about bad luck!” Turnip told the Chronicle. “When Tyke agreed to smuggle us into the States to look for Potato Creek Johnny’s fabled pot of fairy god, we thought the gods were finally looking on our endeavours with kindness. We got that wrong!”

Turnip said, “We were chilling in the jacuzzi, sipping our brandies, smoking out cigars, and enjoying the big dollar life, when all of a sudden Tyke comes dashing in all frantic and alarmed like a dachshund on bonfire night. Turns out the plane was all out of juice and we heading into the big blue.”

Turnip added, “As you can imagine, if me and the boys hadn’t been so intoxicated we might have panicked a little.

“Yet at that point, the tiresome task of putting on parachutes and jumping from the plane with an excitable Tyke seemed more like a drag than anything, but what choice did we have?”

Turnip revealed that after free-falling from the skies and getting distracted by the face of US President Donald Trump appearing in the clouds and talking to him, he was snapped from the surreal slumber of his vision by the voice of Cruise yelling for him to pull the handle on his parachute or the impact of the sea would smash him to pieces!

“Tyke is a thespian, so everything is always 110mph with him in terms of drama,” explained Turnip. “I just uttered, ‘Take a chill pill loser!’ Jacked the handle, or whatever you call it, and shot back up into the sky and began to float serenely towards the water as calm as an angel, instead of falling like a lost soul."

Turnip added, “As we all made our way towards the ocean, we noticed that the plane was still in the sky and didn’t look in any sign of trouble. This didn’t escape Puerto Rico Paul's laser-like powers of observation.

“‘What the hell’s going on here Tyke!’ He shouted across to the little fella who was looking a bit red-faced as he hung suspended like a dummy.

“‘You said the plane was a goner and we had no choice but to jump!’ Paul added.

“Tyke just looked all sort of sheepish before trying to win us over with that toothy smile of his and said, ‘C’mon on guys. How else could I get you to enter the States in style? If I asked you to jump would you have done so if you didn’t think your lives depended on it?’

“All of a sudden I heard an almighty roar and a voice bellowing, ’Tyke you tosser! I’m going to end you for this!’ I looked up and saw a red-faced Big Tony with his fists clenched trying to do a sort of downward run through the space between him and Tyke. It’s not easy to move fast in a parachute and it was kind of pitiful to watch Tone’s impotent rage burn itself outside as he continued to float gently downwards while bellowing like a bull.

Tyke just said, ‘Look guys it’s all good!’ And pointed to a black and red speedboat that seemed to be tracking our descent. ‘As soon as we land, Brooklyn Benny is going to haul us out of the water and take us to Ellis Island. From there we’ll catch the ferry to Manhattan and we’ll be sipping Long Island iced teas in a rooftop bar before sundown. The pilot will meet us with the half-mil in the suitcase you left on the plane and I’ll even treat you to a Club Steak if that helps Tone?’”

Turnip added, “I could see the fat fella warming to the idea of forgiving Tyke and living large off his dime, so he just grunted and looked away like a sulky dog, which in Tone’s world means you are forgiven.

“Meanwhile, just before we hit the water, Tyke yelled, ‘Don’t hate the player! Hate the game!’ Puerto Rico Paul screamed, ‘Her name is Rio!’ And I just closed my eyes and hoped for the best.

“As it turned out, as soon as we entered the icy cold water, we were dragged out by Brooklyn Benny and a guy called Freddy the Fish.

“Freddy swam around cutting our parachutes which were threatening to drag us under and Brooklyn Benny pulled us on board a boat which was strangely enough called ‘The Subconscious.’

“‘Cool name for a boat!’ Said Paul as he slipped onto the boat like a happy eel.

“‘Yeah, whatever wise guy!’ Said Brooklyn Benny in a tone and manner that seemed to suggest, ‘If you have the audacity to address me again I’ll slice you from neck to navel.’

“Instinctively knowing the difference between a barking dog and a silent killer, Puerto Rico Paul fell into a wary silence. Even when his nose began to bleed, he manfully didn’t cause a fuss, just held his head back and tried not to cry.

“After we were all given a towel to dry off with and some orange jumpsuits to wear, Brooklyn Benny looked at Tyke, who seemed to visibly shrink under his glare, and said, ‘No more theatrics ok? We need to get these chumps to the island. Me and Freddy got a piece of business to attend to and we don’t need no smart-talking Brits rocking the boat.

“‘Sure thing guys!’ Said Tyke. Before looking back at us and mouthing mischievously , ‘I’m still dangerous.’”

“As we sped through the water, Tyke tried to put on the Mission Impossible theme on his Bluetooth speaker thing, but a stern look from Brooklyn Benny was enough for him to instantly switch it off.

“And as we boated on, beating against the current, while our thoughts were dragged like flotsam and jetsam into the past, I caught my first glimpse of the Statue of Liberty.

“‘The unconquerable gatekeeper and torch bearer of the new world’ Murmured Puerto Rico Paul in the wide-eyed awe of a British kid raised on a steady diet of American movies and microwave meals.

“And with that first sight of that green goddess with her weird crown and arm aloft as if in greeting, something deep inside me that was forever free, hopeful, and eternal soared. It was not long after I saw her wink and heard the unmistakable drawl of Lou Reed say, ‘Hello bitches!’

The Manifest Trials And Tribulations Of Johnny Turnip is now available on Amazon.