FOLLOWING in the footsteps of Albert Einstein, an Abergavenny man has claimed that reality is timeless and believes his experience in the Mojave Desert with Jim Morrison proves it.

“It may be hard for lesser minds to grapple with the idea that the past, present and future are happening all at once, but for me it’s a walk in the park,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Of course, time exists, but the way our minds experience it is false. The passing of time is an illusion. It’s a simultaneous event. Now I know there are a lot of blockheads who will struggle with the concept of block theory, but that’s their problem. My eyes are opened, and following my awakening in the wilderness, I now envisage my future as more of a semi-professional time traveller than a paranormal investigator.”

Turnip added, “However, my career change will have to wait. I need to get on with the business of finding Potato Creek Johnny’s pot of fairy gold and saving the world.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after bumping into the lead singer of The Doors in the Mojave Desert, he realised he was in a place where time had no meaning.

“Jim Morrison had travelled from 1966, and I had obviously come from 2025, and we met in what less scientific minds would probably call a wormhole. Anyhow, as nice as it was chatting to the Lizard King, I needed to get back to the boys and fulfil my mission, and so The Doors frontman summed forth a sailboat made entirely out of crystal for me to travel in,” explained Turnip.

“It was pretty mind-blowing, and when I asked him, he didn’t know. He just smiled, shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘With peyote, all things are possible!’

“Anyhow, as I climbed into the Crystal Ship, I asked Jim if he was coming and he said, ‘No man, I think I’m gonna wander in endless night for a bit longer. It’s good for the soul.’

“‘Suit yourself!’ I said. And as I waved him goodbye and the ship began making its slow voyage through the sands of time, I had a thought and bellowed, ‘Stay away from Paris, dude, and always use showers!’

“‘I’m not sure if he heard me or not because he was busy trying to visualise a house made of hyacinths, but it was good to meet an actual rock legend, but more importantly, now that the peyote was wearing off, it was good to be getting out of the desert.”

Turnip explained that as he charted his course through the American night, he began to get a little sleepy.

“I was manning the helm, and my hands started to slip off the wheel. The colour was beginning to drain out of the world, and I could feel myself losing consciousness. It probably wasn’t the best idea to nod off while sailing a ship made of crystal through the desert, but I was past caring. My fate was in the lap of the gods, so I just fell to the floor and crashed.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that as soon as he fell, he didn’t stop falling.

“I fell through the bottom of the ship, through the desert sands and through what I can only describe as time itself. It was kind of like thick treacle and tasted like centuries. Everything that has ever been or ever will flashed through my mind in the space of a second, and it left me feeling pretty strung out, I can tell you. And then it all went dark until I found myself in the presence of what can only be described as a supernova that was singing songs by Wham.

“The sound of something infinitely cosmic doing bad renditions of George Michael songs brought me to my senses pretty sharpish, and before I could gather my wits, I was back in the desert, the sun was coming up, and I was walking alongside the boys.

“‘Have I been anywhere?’ I asked as we were all carried along by the momentum of some unseen force.

“Puerto Rico Paul, who was smoking a fag furiously, just looked straight ahead with a thousand-yard stare as he said, ‘That peyote packed a punch. We’ve all been somewhere.’

“‘I don’t think we should talk about it anymore.’ Said Big Tony, who sounded on the verge of tears.

“Meanwhile, Tyke, who was strutting along with a great big grin on his chops, said, ‘You Brits. A few quality psychedelics and it’s all Lucy in the sky with diamonds and visits to the dark side of the moon. You gotta roll with the punches out here dudes. We took a trip, and now we’ve returned. No big thing.’

“As we walked and mused on the wisdom of Tyke’s drug-soaked spiel, we suddenly saw a road up ahead and knew our liberation from our psychedelic desert adventure was at hand.

“‘That’s a sight for sore eyes!’ Bellowed Tyke in that all-American way of his. ‘If I’m not mistaken, that’s Interstate 15, which will take us straight to Los Angeles and to the pot!’”

“‘Yippie Yi Kay cowboys,’ Said Puerto Rico Paul with all the enthusiasm of a fish left to rot in the sun.

“‘C’mon, guys! Heads up!’ Bellowed Tyke. ‘All we need is to hitch a ride, and we’ll be in Hollywood by sundown.’

“‘Sure!’ Said Paul in a mockery of an American accent. ‘We’ll just ask any passing serial killer if they’ve got any apple pie and cream we can have before they torture us and bury our bodies in the desert.’

“‘Snap out of it Paul!’ Said Tyke. ‘Don’t let the residues of a bad trip bring you down. Hitching is a way out of life out here. Between making movies, I do it all the time. You never know what characters you’re gonna meet. It’s good source material.’”

Turnip explained, “As soon as we left the sand and hit the tarmac, Tyke stuck his thumb out because he was the most clean-cut and approachable member of the group.

“After ten cars passed, some of which threw empty beer cans at our heads, we knew we were in it for the duration. We’d almost given up hope, and then a long black limousine, the sort you can imagine Satan being chauffeured around in, stopped, and we would soon come to wish it hadn’t.”

To be continued….