SULKY moods and unexpected hissy fits are something we usually associate with hormonal teenagers and Gen Z, but according to one Abergavenny man, even supernatural creatures are not immune to wild mood swings.

“I’d always imagined unicorns, dragons, and centaurs to be kind of wise creatures who don’t fall apart at the seams when the going gets tough, or throw tantrums just because they can’t get their own way,” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Look at Aslan in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. He’s a talking lion, but he also has a certain gravitas. He’s cool, calm, and collected, and doesn’t have psychotic meltdowns when the odds are stacked against him.

“He wouldn’t start roaring at the heavens just because he couldn’t get his own way and start stomping around the place like a wounded bull. But in my experience, centaurs are a different kettle of fish. They’re highly strung creatures who are both unpredictable and prone to what I’d call hormonal rage!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he ended up in the unusual, some would say, unbelievable situation of spending time with a centaur, after he brought some Mustangs in the Mojave Desert from a Kentucky horse dealer.

“This Captain KFC fella told us that Keith the centaur was coming along for the ride to make sure the horses were well looked after. At first, it was kind of weird being around a centaur, especially because it looked and talked like Jason Statham, but the mind adapts, and pretty soon we forgot Keith had horse’s legs and he was like one of the boys.”

Turnip added, “After Tyke wrote Captain KFC an IOU note for half a million, the man from Kentucky jumped in his cargo plane and cleared off, but not before warning us he’d break every bone in our bodies if any harm came to his beasts.

“As Captain KFC took to the skies, Keith spent the time constantly smirking at us and making sure we all saw he was carrying a shotgun on his shoulder.

“‘I thought centaurs were supposed to carry bow and arrows and not 12 gauges!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul, genuinely confused.

“‘Well, you thought wrong!” Snarled Keith as he began stamping his one foot and flaring his nostrils involuntarily. ‘You gotta move with the times! What do you think this is, Ancient Greece?’

“‘Calm down, you moody mare!’ Quipped Paul. ‘I was only horsing around!’

“We could tell straight away that Keith didn’t have much of a sense of humour by the way he instantly reared up and pumped the shotgun a few times before levelling it at Paul and screaming, ‘You centaurphobic bastard. You think it’s funny being half-horse and half-man? You think I haven’t had my fill of all the usual jokes about being hung like a horse and being a great ride? It gets exhausting, and one more word out of any of you and I’m filling you with holes. We’ll see how funny you find that!’

“‘Easy now, boy!’ Said Paul, who has never appreciated the line between enough and more than enough. ‘Once we settle you in the stable, I’ll get you a sugar cube to munch on!’”

Turnip added, “In response, Keith let out a terrifying neigh, but before he could pull the trigger on the shotgun, Big Tony stepped in and knocked Puerto Rico Paul spark out. He quickly turned to Keith, knelt, and said, ‘Apologies for my dim-witted and loose-lipped friend, my lord. He’s never spent anytime around horses, let alone centaurs. The ways of the four-legged ones are alien to him. Trust me, my lord, it’s an honour and a privilege to be in your company, and I will pledge both my word and my honour on him not stepping out of line or speaking out of turn again.’”

Turnip explained, “I don’t mind admitting I was quite taken aback by Big Tony’s embarrassing and sycophantic little display. As I watched him petting the Mustangs in awe, it dawned on me that this must be like a dream come true for Tony, whose only friend for a large part of his youth was mountain ponies.

“The big man was used to nags, but now he was getting the chance to ride a thoroughbred. Not only that, he was also in the presence of a creature that looked like a cross between a Grand National-winning racehorse and Jason Statham. It was like all the big oaf’s Christmases had come at once.”

Turnip added, “As Paul began to regain consciousness and Keith looked admiringly at Tony, I heard him neigh, ’So what do they call you, my two-legged friend?’

“‘Big Tony!’

“‘Very well, mate. I’ll call you little Anthony.’ Said Keith, and as Big Tony bowed, I could see he was in total awe of this horse with the head of a man and in danger of debasing himself.

“But what could I do? We needed Keith on our side, and we needed his horses. Without them, we’d never get out of the desert alive and make it to Deadwood.

“I decided to knock this emerging bromance on the head before it got too bestial. ‘Ok people!’ I said, even though Keith was technically a beast. ‘I think we got off on the wrong hoof, I mean foot. Let’s call a truce and work as a team. Because teamwork makes the dream work!’

“As everyone, including Paul, who was now awake and holding the side of his face accusingly, looked at me like I’d just stepped off the Disney shuttle in a princess dress, Keith eventually broke the silence by grunting, ‘I ain’t gotta a problem with that. But the bitch might!’

“And as he pointed at a gobsmacked Puerto Rio Paul, who was struggling to voice his anger through a possibly fractured jaw, I knew things could soon escalate, unless I made some sort of speech.

“‘OK, everyone!’ I said as I stood on a rock to make myself look bigger and more important. ‘We’re all on the same side. So this fighting between the mortals and the myths ends now. We’ve got a rogue AI clown on our tail, and if we don’t find the pot of fairy gold before that bastard son of a thousand singularities catches up with us, then the world of man and magic is over, and the dawn of the microchip will be upon us.

“If we can’t put aside our difference for one last ride into the unknown, for glory, for magic, for myth, for destiny, for the final reckoning and for the sheer hell of it, then we may as well bury our heads in the sand now and wait for someone to stick a fork in our butts and turn us over, because we’re done!’

“‘So what say you friends? Do we ride into the valley of the unknown, united and fierce? Or do we let our differences divide and destroy us?’”

Turnip added, “As Keith and the four Mustangs all reared up and neighed their approval and Tone and Paul nodded their head in acquiescence, I knew in my heart of hearts the final battle would be decided, as often was the case in days of old, by both humanity and horse. It was time to saddle up!”

To be continued…..